Would you snort pollen for fame? These two idiots might. Learn about Phishermen, webs of truth, jars of apple of pie and the titanic of tears. Matt wants to become a reptile and crawl on peoples' roofs. He also speculates that seafood is cursed with ocean magic. Do you put medicine in your food? If you rewind bad times, do they become good times? Find out in this week's episode.

Greg boasts his superior taste buds and Matt wants to abort other peoples' babies. The two deride Elizabeth Warren for being a dork politician. We discover that Matt's music taste hasn't evolved since adolesence and find further proof that Greg is a vampire. Learn how to make fun of your friends for not cleaning their houses. Matt wants to get sober rockstars back to their degenerate lifestyles and Greg speculates that kale lovers are all into BDSM. When will Gaby finally leave Matt? Wait, there's a really innocuous acronym for FAGGOT and a really lewd acronym for PDF? Listen to the episode to get privy to all the modern slang.

This week, the guys debate what is the more sensitive term: midget or little person? Matt quotes Austin Powers against Greg's wishes and the two guess porn searches for people with ordinary taste. Learn all about the kind gestures that schizos routinely make. Was it Matt or Greg that took someone's virginity after slow dancing to "Everybody Hurts" in high school? Remember, women are from Venus and men are from Planet Dumbass. We'll check in next week to see if Matt's spoken with the man in the mirror.

It's been a busy week for Matt and Greg. Matt had teeth pulled and technical difficulties compromised 6 of the last 8 recorded hours of Tortured For Profit. Enjoy a brief oddball episode where the guys debate body hair and shaved heads on women and stupidly endorse cigarette smoking while offending a bunch of people.

After recording a couple of sessions that produced botched audio, the guys find luck in their third try. Matt's mouth is a hurt factory and he requests a dainty pistol to shoot out his aching tooth. He encourages Greg to go on Dr. Phil because of his schizophrenic visions. What's worse, Kid Rock or "Kid A"? Who would win a rap battle: MLK or Malcolm X? You might learn how to put on a pair of jeans without stubbing your toe but that's about it.

Another week of Greg's reality superseding everyone else's. Another jock jam stuck in Matt's head. Matt lampoons Greg again for his doll-like demeanor and his British accent comes out sounding Jamaican. In honor of Easter, the day of this recording, Matt suggests he would've been a foe of that self-righteous hippie do-gooder Jesus. Hear about 9/11 folklore, jocks in the woods, and the real meaning behind the Red Hat Society. Scat Matt makes a brief return and Greg debuts a snippet from his new band that Matt names Debra. Is Matt a cutter? Should liberals own AK-47's? Don't finger a hole full of dead insects on our behalf.

After lamenting their lack of acclaim because of their hermit lifestyles, Matt shocks Greg with his perplexing new look: guyliner. Matt hopes to elevate his "feed your inner boy" inspirational slogan to a self-help course for men. The two explore Gaby's dark side and Greg's rejection of hashtags. Matt suggests committing "ideacide" against conservatives and showcases his style of "next level preaching."  Will Matt befriend all the vapid celebrities that Greg would deny lunch with? What are you queer for?

Greg finally watches a clip of The Office and is predictably unimpressed. Matt imagines Greg as an old-timey gangster seeking revenge on his dad for boyhood whoopings. Matt wants to enter a gas chamber because of his lower back pain and offers live commentary to Seal's relatable hit single "Crazy". The two discuss toxic masculinity and do their best impersonation of Rocky's infamous motivational speech to his son. Is Greg's acceptance of unfair circumstances a sign of maturity? It doesn't matter anyways as Matt predicts Greg will be murdered in every life he lives. Enjoy reactions to winter storms and their shitty names.

The gang revisits their shortlived powder phase. Does cocaine cure constipation? Is God's body made of skin tags? Get an update on the zits behind Matt's ear and learn about your "Cicada Rhythm" .. You've heard of sushi, but do you know about shoe-shi? Matt pleas for comfort and security after barely working the last 12 years. Greg continues to alienate himself from The Office-watching masses by explaining why listening to interesting music is the superior life experience. There's a half-hearted tribute to Matt and Gaby's joyless dog and Greg's awkwardly growing facial hair gets likened to Wooly Willy.

Their most twisted episode yet? Greg pays a brief real life visit to Matt and Gaby, and they are joined by their friend and fellow maniac Drew. Matt needs to see an orthodontist because his neighbors' texts are stuck inside him. Drew recalls the time Matt got fired for threatening an old manager's life and proposes skinning tattooed hipsters alive to display their skin art. Greg's preference of black families over white in Family Feud prompts Matt to call for the extermination of the white race. Enjoy uncomfortable PSA's about creeps, set to the tune of old school hip-hop on cable television. And for Christ's sake, can someone get Matt a pair of skin Umbros?