In one of their more offensive episodes, Matt and Greg celebrate Christmas in morose fashion. Expect Christmas carols about a gay Jesus. How does is it feel to be fucked by God? Matt talks about gifts he bought for nonexistent relatives and accuses Jesus of being a shitty gift giver. Remember to get the colored lights that glow you dirty-dabbling squares!

Winter's here and the guys have some advice on how to resist the death of the chill. You can crawl inside an obese person. You can cook exotic winter dishes such as "meat puzzles". Learn about Jewish spellcasting and the classic "cuff n' cuddle" winter sport called BDSM. There's also a PSA against ice melt, "thoughts and vibes" sent to homeless people, and the celebration of the snow art created by a severed head. Stay tuned for a special Christmas treat next Monday.

Tortured For Profit was founded on clever insults and sour attitudes, but this week provides some insight into what brings joy to these lovable lunatics. You've heard of Mancrush Monday, but what about Studcrush Sunday? Learn about self-love and how Jesus died on a cross all for a lousy pair of JNCOs.

Gaby tries hard to keep Matt and Greg in line this week, but the boys derail the conversation with non sequiturs throughout. Matt considers cannibalism and the ultra-wealthy celebrities that allegedly consume humans. Greg hypes up their new country album while forgetting to mention its name. Scat Matt returns to talk about pooping in space. Greg's distaste for bad 90s TV shows prompts Matt to offer unsolicited academic justifications. Can Matt be a regular guy or should he just get those goddamn knuckle tats already? Enjoy meaningless conversation about constructing balloon animals and some Matthew McConaughey impersonations.

A glimpse into the future (this episode recorded in November 2018) looks a lot less grim than this past year. Our most loathed politicians have ceased to exist and with the help of corporate sponsors, Matt and Greg have made Tortured For Profit the biggest comedy show in the business (we know it already is). Do you want to murder every person named Cayden? Okay, then maybe you'll enjoy this episode.

The 35th episode was intended to be about the life of Charles Manson and a celebration of Matt's recent birthday, but the boys had hangovers and couldn't quite stick to the assumed topics. Sure, they celebrate Matt's shortlived stint as a rock n' roll frontman and Greg talks about the time he played Charles Manson music on repeat to an unsuspecting crowd before a friend's wedding ceremony. But, mostly you can expect non-sequiturs about fetish orgies, how to blend in with society as a sore thumb, licensing outsider country rock to Panera Bread, bad inspirational tattoos, "penis palaces" and skin tags. Should Greg get a dangly earring? Should they change the title of their format from "podcast" to "radio show"?

Matt and Greg react to the news of Hollywood scumbag dudes, conduct a spirited debate about gun control, and discuss Mel Gibson's White Jesus horror movies in great detail. Matt gives a lackluster review of Greg's new record after pitching his long-mythologized porno Danger Fuckers.

Matt's initial topic of kneeling for the national anthem is quickly rejected by a very stoned Greg. Though it's the first week without a proper topic, it's their most tripped-out psychedelic episode yet, and you can expect more of the same nonsense. This week, they talk about ISIS beheading Matt, cringeworthy movie quotes, celebrity wife swapping, PSAs for treating women right, and Matt's morose fantasy of jumping in front of a train in a suit made of meat.

Confounded by modern day digital currency like Bitcoin, Matt invents his own currency, Matty Bucks. He reflects on the days when he could afford fast food and proposes winter 2017's hottest new trend, wearing rich men's penises as necklaces. What was intended to be an informative episode on smart investments quickly turns into fantasizing about robbing banks, invading the homes of the wealthy, and (literally) eating the rich. You may not get the advice you seek for your 401K, but you will learn how to dispose of a cadaver in a menacing way. Have a beautiful week!

Matt and Greg relive their glory days of halloween's past. Which one was asked to contribute to an MTV halloween mix? Which one almost got beat up for not playing the Misfits at a halloween DJ gig? They discuss halloween snacks, songs, and inappropriate decorations. Remember mischief night? Greg recalls the night his friends drew penises with weed killer at their high school's famed field hockey field. Matt tries out Pennsylvanian throat-singing and ghosts are sending Greg subliminal messages. Enjoy Matt's politically incorrect pranks ("African-American Knocks") and his plans to light bags of dog shit on his "Blue Lives Matter" neighbor's front stoop. Oh, and if you enjoy aging men speaking intimately about relations with Jesus Christ, look no further than this episode. See you in hell!