Two Assholes and a Mic

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This one starts with Slinky’s cheese curds, questionable family photo habits, and a surprisingly long debate over how to pronounce charcuterie before Ian gets into something a little more serious: deciding it’s probably time to move on from his current job once the house situation is finally settled. From there, we talk retirement money, credit-card points, work-life balance, sugar-mama jokes, and why some jobs just aren’t worth the stress. Then Asher wanting to “make potions” somehow launches us into chemistry, Breaking Bad, drugs, and Robby’s idea for padded safe zones where people can go do whatever the hell they want without bothering everyone else. We finish with Japan nostalgia, automated parking garages, Outback versus Tony Roma’s, ancient iTouch navigation, mandatory U-turns, and one road trip memory Robby remembers for very different reasons than Ian does.

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This one starts with Robby fighting his headset, phone, Wi-Fi, heat, and basically every piece of technology he owns before settling into a much better topic: WoW Forever. He hits the current level cap, starts debating whether the future group should roll five undead paladins or actually build a useful team, and realizes he’s already fallen back into old-school questing habits. From there, Ian’s rough workday somehow turns into another space-time rabbit hole involving GPS satellites, gravity changing how fast time passes, mechanical watches, relativity, black holes, photons, and the problem of having to trust scientists because apparently everything is “simple math.” By the end, neither of us understands anything anymore, faster-than-light travel sounds completely made up, Interstellar gets dragged into it, and science officially loses for the day.

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Billy joins us for this one, immediately proves he has absolutely no filter, and somehow the conversation goes straight from Robby’s failing phone into internet videos none of us should have ever seen in the first place. After collectively deciding everyone is better off never Googling certain things, we move into fantasy sports, terrible draft luck, workplace trash talk, and the universal strategy of doing the exact opposite of whatever Robby and Billy recommend. Then things get aggressively military: inappropriate deployment stories, jack-off competitions, “meat-gazing duty,” drug tests, strip searches, MEPS doctors, and Billy casually admitting he once watched more than a hundred dudes pee into cups in a single day. We eventually escape that nightmare and finish with rattlesnakes, copperheads, lawn-mower warfare, broomstick combat, snake trespassing laws, and Billy’s preferred solution to every danger noodle: overwhelming firepower. 

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Sweenis joins us for this one, Robby shows up late, Starlink immediately starts acting like Starlink, and somehow we end up planning where everybody should move once the kids are grown and retirement money can actually do some damage. From there, Robby unveils his last-ditch attempt at a cool hairstyle—the fucking woodpecker—while Sweenis explains why he gave up trying to grow a beard and just grows hair instead. We get into military coins, Ian staying in England, Robby threatening violence against his overheating phone, Step Brothers quotes, and why WoW might finally be fun again now that exploring the world actually matters. Then Sweenis introduces us to the enormous Maine Coon he rescued from the flight line who later ate enough string to become a $4,500 cat, before we close out by discussing the incredible versatility of the word “fuck,” management jobs nobody asked for, and a future where Sweenis moves to Texas and he and Robby simply alternate months at work.

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This one starts with Robby’s decade-old headset finally showing its age before we get into remote-job hunting, whether $60–70K is enough to justify going back to full-time work, Ian’s abandoned shirt-business dreams, and the point where making more money stops being worth giving up your free time. Robby considers going back to the kitchen, we discover the podcast’s greatest power is simply bleeping somebody’s name and making everyone wonder if we were talking about them, and Billy becomes the guy who just says whatever everyone else is thinking. Then a neighbour gets a Sonic pinball machine delivered and somehow that turns into an entire billion-dollar lottery plan: buy every house in the neighbourhood, move all your friends to Texas, make everyone sign NDAs, build a car hangar and grotto, and turn the spare houses into Airbnbs. Naturally, we finish by talking about Hobbit houses and Robby desperately waiting to play an undead paladin. 

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This one starts with Robby’s ancient headset making screeching noises and somehow turns into one of our more brain-melting space conversations. We get into the double-slit experiment, quasars, gravitational lensing, photons that experience billions of years like an instant, and why none of that feels remotely reasonable even when the science supposedly checks out. From there, we drift into faster-than-light travel, quantum physics, warp bubbles, whether we’ll ever live long enough to see any of it, and the idea that somewhere on the other side of the universe there has to be another pair of idiots having this exact same conversation. Then we question whether the universe is actually expanding at all and eventually admit that, at some point, you just have to trust the guy with the glasses and the pocket protector. 

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This one starts a little heavier, with Robby talking about stepping away from the bar for a few weeks to get his head right, reset after a rough stretch, and figure out what he actually wants to do next. That somehow turns into becoming a third-base coach for a softball team, defending Grammy’s right to wander around the bar doing whatever the hell she wants, and then a full dive into World of Warcraft Forever. Robby’s already building characters, planning undead paladins, dragging Ian and Kirsty into a future dungeon group, and generally enjoying the fact that his new computer finally removed the biggest roadblock. We also get another house update, a surprise £3,000 price reduction, UK-versus-US fuel-price maths, and the realization that the bar has gotten so busy that two people behind it on a Wednesday just isn’t enough anymore.

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Robby finally gets the new gaming PC he’s been talking about forever, complete with liquid cooling, enough power to make HOTS behave itself, and a new chair that somehow still manages to piss him off because it requires assembly. From there, we get another house update, praise for a mortgage broker who has gone well beyond what she signed up for, more Starlink cable troubleshooting, and a surprisingly long detour into what “hermetically sealed” actually means. Then it’s streaming setups, Dragon Ball Z Kai, why some sagas last forever, Dyson spheres, possible hidden planets, the Milky Way’s bulge, tens of millions of stars, and the inevitable conclusion that there has to be something else out there. 

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This one comes with a guest. Joe Cheshire jumps in and suddenly we’re swapping old Air Force stories, talking sponsors, Lakenheath, Alaska, Florida, mountains versus beaches, British towns, drunken Bury nights, and the kind of military memories that make you realize none of us have changed that much. Robby also talks bar life, raising kids, empty-nester plans, and why pouring beer is still the superior bartending skill. Then the conversation drifts exactly where you’d expect: AI, artists versus generated images, whether Skynet is inevitable, Terminator, The Matrix, lizard people, conspiracy-theory military instructors, and the fine educational tradition of counting how many times an instructor says “fuck” during class. 

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This one starts later than usual, with no judgment from Ian, before Robby opens up about a rough Willow day, PTSD triggers, leaving work early, and how one conversation at a coffee shop turned into an emotional spiral. From there, the internet continues its war against the podcast, Starlink cables become suspect again, and Ian gives the latest painful house update involving rent charges, indemnity policies, lenders, solicitors, and a buying process that has somehow dragged on for a full year. We also get into motorcycles, dirt bikes, go-karts, childhood riding, people at work watching the podcast reels, Robby hating his own accent, British people hearing “Texan,” and the important clarification that it’s finance ladies, not fine-ass ladies. 

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