Two Assholes and a Mic

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In S2E40, we start with Ian trying to have a sincere heterosexual-life-mate moment before Riverside immediately tries to ruin it with connection issues. From there, Ian talks about the London trip with the family, Asher walking all day without complaining, bumblebees checking out his toy bow and arrow, and the weird balance between letting kids burn off energy versus handing them an iPad. We also get into Slinky getting his nuts taken, Roxy needing approval after barking at everything, brutal Texas heat, and then fully derail into time travel, alternate realities, sacred timelines, whether one country could secretly control time travel, infinite universes, alien civilizations, whether they’d come in peace or murder-death-kill us, the size of the observable universe, black holes, gravity, time, and whether a black hole is really just mass or a tear through spacetime sucking in light. 

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In S2E39, Ian and Robby start off getting into forgotten water, forgotten phone cords, grocery runs, crock-pot spaghetti sauce dreams, and whether pasta cooked directly in sauce would be genius or absolute mush. From there, we talk Robby getting called into work early, the ongoing beard and mustache maintenance saga, Movember plans, shoehorn mustaches, Oscar and his twin brother looking like real-life Hagrids, and Robby accidentally creating a cursed Voldemort soundboard moment. We also get into beard dye, ginger beard energy, ONE Championship knockouts, lip cuts, elbows, mouth injuries, weird body facts, flatworms eating and crapping through the same hole, fish creating sand, old human remains, Spain’s World Cup conversation, soccer versus football versus fútbol, rugby being violent as hell, sumo, and Ian barely making it to the outro before the internet tried to kick him off again. 

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In S1E1, we officially kick off Two Assholes on a Mic with Ian and Robby introducing themselves, explaining how the podcast came together, and immediately proving there was never going to be a strict plan. We talk possible podcast names, the origin of “Kiegel,” British breakfast crimes, Schöfferhofer, Dragon’s Milk tasting like farts, Apple Crown versus Jim Beam Apple, and why most of this show is really just two friends drinking and talking shit. We also get into Ian’s military-kid background, Lakenheath, meeting Kirstie, the legendary “Karasty” Starbucks cup, Misawa memories, drifting in the bongo, Joy’s burger getting thrown into the yard, and Robby’s path from Kodiak to Nellis, Japan, Edwards, and Texas. The episode also touches on Robby meeting Erin, their family, Willow’s medical journey and passing, the fight to change Texas law, Whatnot LEGO streams, retirement, and why this podcast is meant to be a place for venting, laughing, telling stories, and seeing where the conversation goes. 

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In S2E38, we start with a creepy Skype story from Ian’s time in Korea before getting into Robby sleeping thirteen and a half hours, waking up sore but mentally refreshed, and somehow turning that into a theory about humans tossing and turning for survival. From there, we talk Fortnite mobile players being way too good, self-revives, Ian taking Kai and Asher metal detecting, finding absolutely nothing but nails and earthy “steaks,” and the difference between kids who love getting dirty and kids who want nothing to do with it. We also get into Misawa versus Edwards outdoor life, Robby’s increasingly powerful mustache, beard and mustache competitions, Slinky getting stickers stuck in his ear, miniature dachshunds, Neil Armstrong and the moon landing debate, conspiracy rabbit holes, animal control chasing neighborhood goats, whether goats could help Robby defeat the sticker weeds, and why the real problem is keeping them off the vehicles. 

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In S2E37, we accidentally start with the fastest outro-intro combo ever before getting straight into Robby waking up to emergency poop pains and both of us comparing unfortunate shit-yourself stories. From there, we get into payday beers, no-judgment rules, Ian bouncing back from a rough work week, and Robby realizing that working with Hannah may not be the issue as much as his own delayed hearing and processing in a loud bar. We also talk about people being confidently wrong, the weird contradiction of having a strong work ethic but being lazy at home, video game burnout, World of Warcraft achievements, digital gratification, Robby’s old four-wheeler, Ian disappearing mid-recording, and Robby carrying the end of the episode solo with dog updates, Whatnot plugs, no wasp attacks, and a surprisingly peaceful moment watching trees move in the wind. 

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In S2E36, we start off with Robby getting attacked by a wasp seconds into the episode before Ian talks through one of those chaotic adult-life days where everything seems to go wrong at once. From there, we shift into rainy-day nostalgia, kids running around outside, puddles, homemade sailboats, and missing those simple days when getting soaked in the rain was the whole point. We also get into Robby’s casino trip, losing money because the pool was closed, almost winning big, the weird disappointment of lottery payouts, Lisa Frank nails, Trapper Keepers, the Winstar casino, Dallas trip ideas, London show plans, Alaska flights, Space-A and “grey tail” travel, Roxy trying to “vurp” in Robby’s face, Slinky’s stickers, UK school breaks, and the very important seventh-grade mission of establishing dominance. 

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In S2E35, we bring on Christopher Smith, the man responsible for calling Ian a Bag O'Douche in his book, and catch up on retirement life, work-from-home setups, gaming headsets, getting older, getting fatter, getting skinnier, and Chris immediately talking shit about Ian having no AC in the UK. From there, we get into CPAP machines, dry-mouth dragon breathing, brutal electric bills, GLP-1s, portion control, running, whiskey collections, and an old deployment gym story involving Robby, pre-workout, and bathroom destruction that apparently sounded like a mortar attack. We also talk about the “she is autism” story, Ian’s Texas visit, retirement routines, regular bar spots, LEGO Batman, Star Wars: Rebuild the Galaxy, World of Warcraft, Path of Exile, Diablo, GTA, Phasmophobia, Ian’s endless house-buying process, whether he’ll stay in England, Misawa dreams, Florida plans, Halloween houses, weather, climate arguments, flat-earthers, and Chris wrapping it up by saying he misses the boys and wants to catch up more often. 

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In S2E34, we start with Robby’s Slingshot finally getting towed off for repairs and a questionable vet adventure involving Slinky, a fresh stool sample, and front-desk confusion that makes absolutely no sense. From there, we get into another update on Ian’s house paperwork, mortgage deeds, witnesses, surveys, and the painfully slow UK house-buying process. We also talk about God Save the King still sounding weird, giant cicada killer wasps, mud daubers, bumblebees, using leaf blowers to clean dog fur, Chris coming on the podcast, Wing Wednesday, carnivore diet plans, local butchers, steak cuts, tomahawks, THC-A loopholes, Texas needing to just legalize it already, religion staying out of people’s business, and the shocking amount of time Robby spends oiling, brushing, straightening, waxing, and weaponizing that mustache before work. 

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In S2E33, we start off with a slightly cursed intro before getting into Robby’s plan to finally get the Slingshot picked up and looked at, Ian having one of those disconnected “don’t want to deal with anything” days, and a heavier detour into crime stories, scams, and why people can be absolute trash sometimes. From there, we lighten things back up with Robby offering to send over some no-box LEGO sets for the kids, Ian picking up a Batman LEGO set for Kai, and Robby talking about taking a quick Oklahoma “tobacco” trip before spending the night in GTA chasing random players around in a cop car. We also get into GTA roleplay servers, GTA 6 hopes, PlayStation versus Xbox, racing games, Forza, Gran Turismo, streaming games live, building gaming PCs, outdated gaming laptops, and somehow end on a clean run with no spam calls or dog chaos. 

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In S2E32, we start off sweating through another round of Texas garage heat and UK weather talk before Robby gives an update on finally selling the trailer and getting the Slingshot lined up for a tow, repair, and possible sale. From there, Ian drops the big news that the house contract has finally arrived and been signed, which leads into the usual comparison of how painfully slow the UK house-buying process feels compared to the States. We also get into garage cleanouts, weed whacking, property easements, magnolia trees, tattoo ideas, teenage attitude voices, Brooke writing her own stories, Black Mirror, Love, Death & Robots, The Ultimate Fighter, One Piece, Dragon Ball Daima, rewatching The X-Files, childhood sewer-monster trauma, wasp flybys, and why Robby’s tattoos apparently go through seasonal phases like the moon. 

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