Unmaking Me with Melanie Welch MD

Happy Valentine's Day! However you feel about Valentine's Day, it is a good reminder that practicing showing love for ourselves is the key to a happy, fulfilling life. 

Practicing Loving Ourselves in 9 Steps:

1. Get to know yourself. Really reflect on what you need and want. 

2. Cultivate unconditional self-worth.

3. Do something that feels good just because it feels good.

4. Give love

5. Focus on the journey and not the destination

6. Set healthy boundaries

7. Feel love

8. Self-love is a practice of showing up for ourselves in small ways every day. 

9. Surround yourself with people who love you and you love them back. 

Show some love by sharing this episode with someone you care about. I'd love to hear what you think, I'm @melaniewelch md on Instagram. 

Today's Tool for Transformation is the song "Special" by Lizzo. Have a listen and really feel the message Lizzo is sending. 

Resources from this episode:

TedxTalk Dr. Adia Gooden, Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EirlZ7fy3bE

Boundary Boss, Terri Cole https://www.terricole.com/

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” -Jim Rohn

What was the last experience of awe you had? How did it feel in your body?

There is fascinating research to show that awe is a transformative emotion, it connects us to each other and makes us happier and healthier. What's so cool about this is that awe isn't just found when we have an experience like seeing the vastness of the Grand Canyon or the vibrant beauty of a Van Gogh painting. It's found in everyday moments: observing a child learning something new, hearing the first few notes of your favorite song on the radio, the pattern of the clouds on your drive home from work.

We can cultivate awe in our lives, and the key is paying attention. I'd love it if you would share with me your experiences of awe, big and small. I'm on Instagram @melaniewelchmd.  If you know someone who might enjoy this episode, please click “share link” on the podcast and send it by text today. If you liked this episode, subscribe for more like it.

Today's take home messages:

1. Experiencing awe makes us happier, healthier and more connected. 

2. Awe is found in everyday moments.

3. We can cultivate awe, it starts with paying attention.

Resources for this episode:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/awe/definition#how-cultivate-awe

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/dacherkeltner/docs/shiota.2007.pdf

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/whats_the_most_common_source_of_awe

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/03/well/live/awe-wonder-dacher-keltner.html

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/awe

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/622175/awe-by-dacher-keltner/

Have you felt lonely over the last few years? I have. 

There is strong evidence to show that the most important element of our lives that leads to health and longevity is social connection. And on the flip side, loneliness is dangerous for our health. 

In this episode I discuss some of the evidence in this area, and more importantly, discuss what we can do to build meaningful connections in our lives. This is such a special episode because you shared your stories and ideas with me for what you do to build and maintain social connection. 

Please share this episode with someone who might benefit and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review. Let's continue the conversation on Instagram, I'm @melaniewelchmd.

Resources for this episode:

UCLA Loneliness Scale: https://fetzer.org/sites/default/files/images/stories/pdf/selfmeasures/Self_Measures_for_Loneliness_and_Interpersonal_Problems_UCLA_LONELINESS.pdf

Harvard Study of Adult Development https://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org/

The Good Life Book https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Good-Life/Robert-Waldinger/9781982166694

https://nap.nationalacademies.org/catalog/25663/social-isolation-and-loneliness-in-older-adults-opportunities-for-the

Loneliness and risk of dementia https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/75/7/1414/5133324

Loneliness and mortality https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1745691614568352

https://journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316

Loneliness and risk of Cardiovascular disease https://heart.bmj.com/content/102/13/1009

Loneliness and Depression https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(20)30383-7/fulltext

Loneliness Internationally https://www.kff.org/report-section/loneliness-and-social-isolation-in-the-united-states-the-united-kingdom-and-japan-an-international-survey-section-1/

Harvard report on loneliness (pandemic impact) https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/loneliness-in-america

Eisenhower matrix https://todoist.com/productivity-methods/eisenhower-matrix

Take home messages:

1. Social connection is the key to living a long and healthy life. 

2. Quality not quantity of relationships is what matters. 

3.  Meaningful connection takes effort over time. 

4. Find ways to stay connected over time by checking in regularly, using tools like texts or group chats, but also prioritize more meaningful in-person experiences. One idea would be to invite a friend to try something new together.

Are you wondering how to find your life's purpose? In this episode, I speak with Dr. Kim Alexander about how to follow pleasure to find our purpose, honouring our mistakes to create self-compassion, and how being guided by our values can simplify our lives. She shares so many gems of wisdom with me on these and other topics, you will not want to miss this transformative episode. 

Dr. Alexander is an Obstetrician/Gynecologist who focuses on Sexual Health, and Vulvar Health. You can sign up for her newsletter at https://www.drkimalexander.com/, and connect with her on Instagram and Twitter where she is @drkimalexander. 

Today's tool for transformation is the song "Perdido" by Sarah Vaughan. Do yourself a favor and have a listen to this one. If you're anything like me, you won't be able to stop yourself from dancing!

Today's Takeaways: 

1.  Every person has inherent worth and dignity. Try to reflect on where you can live with this in mind. 

2. In a relationship, (any relationship, for example with kids), use the framework, "This is what I need. What do you need? " as a way to get everyone's needs met.

3. Our life purpose is to seek pleasure. Pleasure is worship. 

4. Find out what you can reduce in your life to learn rest. Make space to make space. 

5. Replace your "I shoulds" with "I wants."

6. Self-compassion is honoring your mistakes. Learn the three part apology to make amends.

7. Let go of judgment of others. Don't yuck somebody else's yum.

8. Different people have different values. Let your values guide your choices. 

9. Remember the spoon theory (https://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/features/spoon-theory) How many spoons do you have today? 

10.  If somebody's best is not contributing to your pleasure or connection with you, and if they don't share the same values, they may not be the right person to have in your inner circle. 

11. Reflect on, what is your task for the next phase of your life?

Do you find yourself mindlessly scrolling on your phone after a long day? Smartphones are amazingly powerful tools, and they are designed to keep our attention. Emerging evidence is showing us some of the negatives of smartphone use. So what do we do about it? In this episode I discuss some tools and strategies for decreasing mindless cell phone use, and also address what often really drives us. 

Let me know if this resonates. I would love your feedback on this topic, and on any other potential podcast topics that interest you. Please share with someone who might benefit, and don't forget to rate, review and subscribe. Connect with me further on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/melaniewelchmd/.

Resources for this episode:

Brain health https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7366948/

Multitasking https://www.apa.org/topics/research/multitasking

Reading on a smartphone https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-05605-0

Impact of phones on depression https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5970452/

Mobile phones and memory https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29324924/

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/24/well/mind/putting-down-your-phone-may-help-you-live-longer.html

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/jan/18/modern-world-bad-for-brain-daniel-j-levitin-organized-mind-information-overload

https://www.becomingminimalist.com/break-your-cell-phone-habit/

Are you considering making a change in your life, big or small?  On this episode we discuss evidence-based strategies for successfully making life changes. One of the key elements, according to behavioral scientist Katy Milkman, is identifying our individual barriers to change and addressing those. 

I would love to hear from you about whether this episode resonates to you. Are there pieces missing from the change conversation? Connect with me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/melanieisathree/ to share your experience. If you know someone who may benefit from this episode, please share the link with them, and thank you for rating, reviewing and subscribing to the podcast. 

Resources:

Work of Katy Milkman https://www.katymilkman.com/

Transtheoretical Model of Behaviour Change https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10170434/

Are you experiencing “should-itis” this time of year? Holidays and times of transition can be a real trigger to feeling like we “should” be doing things a certain way.

This episode gives us all some tools and strategies to reflect on some ways you can shift those “shoulds” to make room for experiences that bring joy and pleasure.  If you have competed the exercises from my Me in 2023 Challenge, designed to  prepare all of us to start 2023 with ourselves on our own priority  lists,  send me a DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/melanieisathree/ so I can enter you for a prize. 

Resources:

https://www.agoodplacetherapy.com/the-blog/should-statements

https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/

Are you always giving to others and finding that there is no time and energy left for you? It's time to put yourself on your own "To do" list. This episode is the second week of my Me in 2023 Challenge, designed to prepare all of us to start 2023 with ourselves on our own priority lists.

In this episode we discuss Tim Ferriss' Past Year Review https://tim.blog/2021/12/27/past-year-review/, with a tweak from me, to review the things that gave us joy and happiness this past year, and build more of those into 2023 before we have a chance to fill our calendars with obligations. 

Let me know on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/melanieisathree/ how this experience was for you. What insights did you gain?

I will be with you live at 12:00 PST/3:00 EST on Instagram Dec. 23 and for our grand finale Dec. 30, or you can catch up on next week's podcast. I will be giving out a self-care themed prize to to one of you who completes the challenge!

Are you a person who puts your time and energy into caring for others and has little time for yourself? Are you ready to start to put your needs on your own priority list? In this episode, we discuss the benefits of rest and unscheduled time,  and make a plan for how to build it into our lives, starting with three short sessions this week. We also practice a tool that we can use to find the feeling of peace in our everyday lives. 

 Are you always giving to others and finding that there is no time and energy left for you? Me too. And I have heard from so many people who are finding this is worse than ever right now. It’s time to put yourself on your own “To do” list. Let’s do this together so we can start 2023 with a plan to care for ourselves. I am so excited to share with you the Me in 2023 Challenge. I will be with you live at 12:00 PST/3:00 EST on Instagram @melanieisathree https://www.instagram.com/melanieisathree/ Dec.16, Dec. 23 and for our grand finale Dec. 30 to share a plan to start 2023 with you on your own priority list. I will be giving out a self-care themed prize to to one of you who completes the challenge! Can’t wait to start 2023 off with you! 

Resources from this episode:

-https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/

-https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/

Do you know how shame feels in your body and what to do about that very uncomfortable feeling? Understanding the role shame plays in our lives is critical to building connections with others. Shame is different from guilt and embarrassment. Once we know how it impacts us, we can begin to notice it and change the way we react. 

Today's Tool for Transformation is to draw how shame feels in your body. You can use an outline of a body like this one, https://coloringonly.com/pages/person-outline-coloring-page/, or just draw whatever comes to mind when you think of shame and how it feels in your body. Listen to this episode for how this activity will help. 

Are you always giving to others and finding that there is no time and energy left for you? Me too. And I have heard from so many people who are finding this is worse than ever right now.

It’s time to put yourself on your own “To do” list. Let’s do this together so we can start 2023 with a plan to care for ourselves.

I am so excited to share with you the Me in 2023 Challenge, launching on December 9!

I will be with you live at 12:00 PST/3:00 EST on Instagram Dec. 9, Dec.16, Dec. 23 and for our grand finale Dec. 30 to share a plan to start 2023 with you on your own priority list.

I will be giving out a self-care themed prize to to one of you who completes the challenge!

Can’t wait to start 2023 off with you!

Resources from this episode:

https://positivepsychology.com/shame-resilience-theory/#what-is-shame-resilience-theory

https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/

https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-scientific-underpinnings-and-impacts-of-shame/