Video Death Loop

Your neighbor has left for the weekend. You offered to house sit and they’re ecstatic to have such a friendly neighbor willing to do it for free. But you have an ulterior motive. You know they’re using the Pizza-Tron 5000 XL Microwave, with extra room for maximum flakyness on the dough. You know it’s next to the window and easily viewable from your own house. And you know that the window is going to be open because you’re the one opening windows now.

You know all this because it’s time. It’s time to frisbee that pizza. It’s now or never. The devil’s work ain’t going to do itself now, is it?

John Hurst is your host this week and he is not going to leave this dusty crossroads without a deal. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he is still quite full, thank you.

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Twelve issues of animals! Twelve of them! Can you name them all?

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and That’s the promise of Zoobooks where you are going to learn about these specific animals or die trying. If you survive, you get a cool tiger poster, thee centerpiece to any elementary school child’s room. If you don’t, well, your parents got 6 more sweet issues about camels to sift through. And this new copy of Lamborghini Tigerposter’s new licensed game to play they got for your birthday. Hey, he looks way older than he should be on this title screen. Weird. Ah well. Animals!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s got a list of animals he will at least try to learn about. John Hurst is your co-host and he’s trying to find the rare actually legal Video CD.

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o/~ AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH! HOOKED ON A FEELING! This baby is dancing! And it is called a meme! Though we didn’t know it yet! And some other words right here!”

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say about this. It’s a baby. it’s dancing. It was on a hit TV show for an episode and people talked about it. Now we’re talking about it. On loop. Forever. Or until the episode ends. Maybe not! Maybe we’re still talking about it right now. As you’re listening to this episode. Don’t tell the Welch’s Corporation. Definitely don’t tell the Welch Corporation.

John Hurst is your host this week and he is looking for his Black & Decker hair care hardware. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s looking for a way to get that free jam!

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Melrose Place! It’s a place near Beverly Hills, 90210! It has people! Sexy people! Do they know the people from the show ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’? Let’s hope not, if that want to survive to the next season! Always stopping the music and re-assuring the audience that maybe they won’t die in a horrible firey accident at the end of the episode. All this as the smooth soft rock starts and stops with their sick, pillow-soft solos. Is that Melrose Place? We’re not sure! But we’re pretty sure Ford sponsors it. Come listen to us watch people turning and looking sexy!

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There’s something strange about pest control companies. Something a little unhinged. Maybe it’s the destruction of thousands of tiny little vermin and bugs every day that breaks a person. Maybe it’s entering house upon house looking for every fault. Maybe it’s the smell of all those chemicals mixed together, just wafting around in his truck. But every battle hardened pest control company evolves to gain two things in their lifetime: 1) A friggin’ bop of a commercial jingle and 2) A nephew who just installed Blender for the first time. If they don’t, are they really a pest control company? Nay, I say. They are mere impostors without these elements. Come back to my home when you have a commercial jingle in the Billboard Top 100! Or if you want to throw a party while I’m not there! Either is okay!

John Hurst is your host this week and he is jealous of the sizzle of Aaron’s fajitas and now wishes he ordered them! Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s perfectly satisfied with the sizzle level of his fajitas.

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When the hell are we getting back from those messages? Did we ever leave? Did we get those 80s and 90s toys they were about to talk to us about! Did we ever achieve the ultimate in fantasy weaponry? We don’t know because we’re trapped in a claymation hell going bump in the night with a sentient fire hydrant that is torturing a poor dog who just happens to be around. And the man plays his guitar. The crew in the poodle skirts watch. ABC starts taking notes. It’s got some good ideas for bumpers, whether kids want them or not. You going to watch Sonic the Hedgehog or not, kid? Oh you will. Just after these messages. After. These. Messages.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s never going to get the Start button on his copy of Windows 95. John Hurst is your co-host and the last hope for the Chicago Bulls in the mid-90s?!?

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Oh, you think it’s just going to be a nostalgia trip through commercial land. They always think that. One minute you’re watching the Bubble Tape Commercial on a streaming site of your choice and the next minute you’re buying it at your gas station and remembering that chalky taste that never quite goes away. As you chew threw the six feet of partially digestible chewing material, you suddenly get a revelation of how the world works all around you. Angels roar from the heavens and get splat by cars. System of a Down lyrics play. You find out about sanctified bones and what can be made from them from now until eternity. And where you can buy them. It’s all connected. And now so are you.

Welcome to our podcast. Welcome to Video Death Loop. Enjoy your nostalgia.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s been vaccinated and feels pretty good! Aaron Littleton is your co- host this week and he too has been vaccinated but feels bad! Go get vaccinated!

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You’re at the hottest restaurant in town. You think. You’re not sure if your friend who swears by the place said it was on the first or second floor but you’re there. A decision has to be made. Surely, if they’re in the same building, they’re both equally good, right? You make a decision. It’s the first floor you go. There’s no server that you see. You see a bunch of tables. Some blueberries without a plate to call home. People on the floor begging for the dear lords above to bless them with a pittance of chicken soup for their soul. Others are tapping with brooms harshly on the ceiling. Yelling. Rioting. The turmoil is infection. You know you’re in the right place. You grab a broom. It’s time to get those scraps.

Also, you’re never going to trust a damn video book trailer ever again.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and 5 AM is much too late to enter that late night diner. John Hurst is your co-host and the forbidden hash brown toppings beckon.

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Your abs need a shape! Any shape! And you need to find the perfect way to do nothing while doing that! What if I said I had that and can still make you terrified to do small menial tasks while doing so? Then I have the Hawaii Chair just for you! Imagine a chair with barely the usefulness of sitting down. Now imagine if it was spinning like a carnival ride the entire time. It can be yours if you want! All you need is to go back to 2008 and tell yourself about it! And then, if your past self doesn’t say “No” immediately, you’re basically there! Get with the future! The past of the future! It’s the Hawaii Chair!

John Hurst is your co-host this week and he’s got a devious trap for Mr. Bond involving the Hawaii Chair. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s been upgraded with the most recent version of the co-host software used by podcasters everywhere!

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You are Tom Green. You just put a mouse in your mouth. It’s the third time you’ve done it this week for three different movies. You think this one is for some movie called Road Trip, but you’re not quite sure. You’re mixing up the movie plots. You would be mixing up the lines, but you don’t have any; the director just gave you a big blank check and say “Be Tom Green”. And you are! You’re great at being Tom Green! Maybe even the best of it! But that mouse is in your mouth and maybe you don’t feel like you’re the best Tom Green a Tom Green can be. You’ll go home and turn on your TV and see more of you on the Music Television and wonder why can’t you be that Tom Green again. So young and so full of spry! Not full of mouse. You take the mouse out of your mouth and pet its furry little head. He’s in the same boat as you. You just get more of the cheese. The director yells “Cut!” and both of you are free. Finally free.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and is in big trouble for his SNL impression. John Hurst is your co-host and he needs a Beer Koozy for his Truly, stat.

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