Let’s all acknowledge that at some point, every idea gets Hot Lixxed. No matter how shocking, how disruptive, how abhorrent to the societal norms of the time, Hot Lixx is the ultimate destination for all human creative capital. Given enough time, and probably less than you think, someone will find a way to sand the rough edges off of any idea, encapsulate it in plastic, fill that shell with cheap Chinese microchips and sell it back to you. You’ll buy it and give it to your kids, because you spend too much time at work. Just  don’t Bing it in front of them.

This week we watched a commercial for a toy guitar called Hot Lixx. We resented it greatly.

John Hurst hosts and gets a Hot Keyz. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and builds a theoretical computer.

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The internet is a strange place. If the Super Mario Brothers movie came out now, we would have likely never seen that version in the wild. We would, rightfully, decreed how incorrect and bad that movie was. A stain on something so familiar and loved by many! But the movie is a treasure in its own right; a monument to Hollywood’s hubris over all other “insignificant” mediums and a team of set designers having one hell of a Hot Girl Summer. It is not really a Mario movie, but it’s wild and weird and represents a decade steeped in its kitsch pop culture that can only be imitated these days. It’s the type of train wreck that happens to make an art installation in the process. The original artist has hung their head in shame and fled the scene, but we are still here to appreciate it in its unchanging manner. Wondering. Contemplating. Media consuming.

We have lost the path from our original horror, but one can only wish we could peek behind the curtain and be horrified anew. We can not know the timelines we have been swayed from. We can only imagine what that previous, wretched Sonic model is doing. We know it exists. We know its waiting. Biding. Also media consuming

It will have its time to shine again. And he will choose when.

Aaron hosts this week and boy is he hungry for some thighs. John co-hosts this week and wants to see Sonic put in all the classics. ALL OF THEM.

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After suffering through last week’s Israeli coffee machine cleaning video, John decides to strike back in the best way he knows how – 80s hair metal. RATT busts up a dinner party, but is that meal podcast safe?

This week we watched the RATT “Round and Round” music video, which was probably directed by Peter Jackson.

John Hurst hosts and enters a promo code. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and rips some string cheese.

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How do you describe a yogurt to someone who has never experienced it? How can  you explain that the gelatinous blob before them is actually a carefully cultivated bacterial culture? If that’s hard, imagine how to sell them Gogurt. If THAT’s hard, imagine explaining to a child what TCBY really stands for. Best to just let them think it’s funny tasting ice cream.

We watched this cleaning video for a device called BeanZ. How about it.

Aaron Littleton hosts this week and laments commentary tracks. John Hurst co-hosts and tends to the krill vats.

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Imagine a lush prehistoric forest. Your hunting group has been tracking a mega-Elk all day to no avail. Your stone-tipped spears, cumbersome at the best of times, have proven ineffective against the swift foe. You take a moment of respite by a cool stream, proto-human lungs gasping from the day’s exertion. Winter is around the corner and you desperately need to bring back sustenance for the tribe. What will you do?

There! Off in the distance! A salami tree. Nature’s perfect food. You smile.  You can pick all that you need to carry back to the camp and there’s no need to even kill them. Or…is there?

This week we watched a video that dares to answer that question.

John Hurst hosts and does a Yoda impression. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and makes it rain.

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Misato Katsuragi whirls to face Gendo Ikari. “Sir, the angel is approaching Tokyo 3! Should we deploy the Evas?”

Even the harsh lighting of the computer screens seems oppressed by the silent darkness. After a long moment, a soft mushing sound can be heard from the Commander’s chair.

“Sir…are you eating vienna sausages?”

Gendo’s eyes are red. “Indeed,” he mumbles through another mouthful.

This week we watched a man named Reed eat some vienna sausages. OK.

Aaron Littleton hosts and finishes the can. John Hurst co-hosts and takes it to Terminal Dogma.

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Hey there! This week, due to everything shifting the wrong way, we were unable to record a normal episode! But we have technology in our pockets and a boring road ahead of us, so we recorded THIS for you instead! Come order a large imported catfish meal and enjoy!

Neither Aaron and John are the host this week. Your host is the UNCARING, OPEN ROAD. HUG ITS ASPHALT EMBRACE.

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Mark Zuckerberg swivels in his chair to face the picture window behind him. So close that he can hear the deep bass thumping, a Captain Jack concert has been hastily assembled. He can see the stage even from here. “Too close,” he whispers to himself. “Far, far too close. I’m slipping.” Idly, his hand brushes against a framed photo, worn with age. The captain smiles at him from the past, a knowing grin. Power is in his every tooth. Crewman Zuckerberg shudders.

This week we watched Captain Jack performing…Captain Jack. Live. Somewhere. For someone. A great mystery.

John Hurst hosts and spins the big wheel. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and patrols the moat.

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Deep under the Pentagon, there is a door. An armed guard stands at this door, ever watchful. Should you present the proper credentials, you will be allowed beyond. Inside is a brightly lit and sterile elevator. Should you take that elevator down as  far as it goes you may find yourself in a large, open space underground. To the naked eye, it may look like an indoor football field. But to the nation’s top military commanders, it looks like the training grounds for America’s elite freedom strike force. Enemies of America: Are you ready for some football?

This week we watched the weirdly long music video for Hank Williams Jr.’s “Are You Ready for Some Football” and we can confirm that we are not.

Aaron Littleton hosts and joins the tribe. John Hurst co-hosts and has a full name.

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