Shit, man, do you think we're trapped in here?  

No way. I can see the shadow right there.   

What is that, a line?  

Looks like.  

Okay, so we're in two dimensional space. I can't figure out how to get out, though.  

Shit, man, do you think we're trapped in here?  

No way. I can see the shadow right there.   

What is that, a square?  

Looks like.  

Okay, so we're in three dimensional space. I can't figure out how to get out, though.  

Shit, man, do you think we're trapped in here?  

No way. I can see the shadow right there.   

What is that, a cube?  

Looks like.  

Okay, so we're in four dimensional space. I can't figure out how to get out, though.  

Shit, man, do you think we're trapped in here?  

No way. I can see the shadow right there.   

What is that, a tesseract?  

Looks like.  

Okay, so we're in fifth dimensional space. I can't figure out how to get out, though.  

Shit, man, do you think we're trapped in here?  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S02E06 — tWiStEd 

Adventure Time S02E15 — The Real You 

Adventure Time S02E16 — Guardians of Sunshine  

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You awaken to the midday sun, rays clawing at your drooping ears. Pierced and straining against their bejeweled hoops and studs, the light throws twinkles against the chamber wall. Sensing you're awake, the computer opens the blinds and reveals San Francisco sprawling far below you.   

You are a bridge officer on a goblin starship, and the best you can do is a studio apartment.  

You wince as you climb out of bed, your cheeks still furious from the spanking you received the day before. You check your fiancé and note that she was also set ablaze. Time to prepare a poultice.  

Your normally emerald skin is pale in the morning sun. Without a strong ruler, San Francisco has been in chaos. Just last night, your friend was pinned under a table during shore leave. You managed to escape before the riot got worse, but you wonder if you'll ever see him again.   

There have been rumors of a new king, a silent ruler who passes whispered riddles to Gummy, the royal secretary. Can this hope be trusted? If the stories are true, will this endless age of madness that began just two days ago finally be over?   

This is the worst timeline.  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S02E05 — Non-Sequitur 

Adventure Time S02E13 — The Pods 

Adventure Time S02E14 — The Silent King  

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You ever have that embarrassing moment where you're meeting your significant other's parents for the first time and you've spent the entire day cleaning the house and getting things straightened up (despite your roommates not even trying to help, I'm looking at you, Harry, you sack, stop playing your clarinet and just vacuum something for once in your life, have you ever considered that maybe this is why you're still an ensign?) and ready to go and look nice so that they won't think that you're the kind of person who lives in a dirty hovel — even though you absolutely are, hey, no judgement here — and they arrive and things are going pretty good but then they take one look at your goblin butler and think (out loud! which is kind of rude) "hey that's a tasty looking treat right there, let me take a bite of that fresh ham!" and you have to say no but you don't want to have to say no because you really want to impress them?  

Also, Nate and I wrote a song for this one. Actually, Nate wrote it, I just produced it. He's the musical genius with the angelic voice, I just have fingers and an expensive hunk of wood with metal on it.  

## HOT FOR NEELIX  

Neelix stop cooking 

Neelix it smells bad 

Don't wanna be barfin' all night! 

Maybe I should replicate my lunch today 

Neelix needs to see me in his room  

I think of all the bad food that I've been fixed 

But then I've never seen no soup that looks like this! 

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad 

I'm hot for Neelix 

Got it bad, so bad, I'm hot for Neelix  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S02E04 — Elogium 

Adventure Time S02E11 — The Chamber of Frozen Blades 

Adventure Time S02E12 — Her Parents  

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I'm writing this on November 9, 2020, two days after Joe Biden was elected the next President of the USA. I just read a press release from the campaign describing who they're going to have on their pandemic task force and what their plan for it is going to be. It's the kind of thing that I used to take for granted as a long list of highly qualified people — boring, the background noise of a functioning government. I got really, really excited to see coherent, competent planning and a list of names of people who can actually help things. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck all of the people who enabled him these last four years. And if you supported him, you've got some serious reflecting to do. Don't come back until you have.

Anyway, we watched some episodes of some TV shows I guess. I can't really remember. The world is starting to feel a little safer again.

Covered this episode:

Star Trek: Voyager S02E03 — Projects

Adventure Time S02E09 — The Other Tarts

Adventure Time S02E10 — To Cut A Woman's Hair

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I'm a horny crystal god and I shoot sex lasers from my mold-like hair growth. If I murder you sensually enough, I'll earn my Crystal Name and finally be accepted as a Big God by the other rock deities. 'Ol sedimentary has been a real jerk about me, but think it's because he's jealous of how shiny and crystalline I am.  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S02E02 — Initiations 

Adventure Time S02E07 — Power Animals 

Adventure Time S02E08 — Crystals Have Power

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Have you ever met a snail that you wanted to date, 

But a slug that you are, you never got to mate, 

Let me tell ya a story of my situation 

I was talkin' to this pair from the Ooo nation 

A boy and his dog, their names were Finn and Jake 

I moved so fast that the ground began to quake 

I just got inside, drippin', pourin' with juice 

Crashing through the wall of their house in a spruce 

Moaning and yelling, I needed help from the heroes 

I wanted some love but kept coming up zeroes 

I asked for their help, they said "Blah, blah, blah" 

"Snorlock," Jake said, "let me lay down the law," 

And he told me the rules to get slow love, 

I was a little nervous, I needed a shove, 

Found a pretty snail, words we did exchange

I started throwin' bass, she started throwin' back mid range 

But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange 

Then when I asked, "Do you have a man?", she tried to pretend 

She said, "No, I don't, I only have a friend" 

Come on 

I'm not even goin' for it, this is what I'm goin' sing 

You, you got what I need 

But you say he's just a snail 

And you say he's just a snail, oh baby 

You got what I need 

But you say he's just a snail 

But you say he's just a snail, oh baby 

You got what I need 

But you say he's just a snail 

But you say he's just a snail  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S01E16 — The 37s

 Adventure Time S02E05 — Storytelling 

Adventure Time S02E06 — Slow Love  

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Aglio e olio

Serves 4  

This is my recipe for a delicious, breath-destroying dish. It uses an unorthodox pasta cooking technique — starting everything cold with a small volume of water. This will result in very, very starchy pasta water, which helps the cheese and oil emulsify.  

- 1 pound of spaghetti or linguini 

- olive oil 

- garlic, sliced thin 

- red pepper flakes, as many as you want 

- 1/4 cup parsley, minced 

- parmesan  

1. Make sure you don't have to see anyone in person the next day. 

2. If you don't, put the spaghetti and salt into a pot and just cover with water. Bring to a boil, and cook the noodles until almost al dente. 

3. Meanwhile, pour like half a cup of olive oil into the pan and add the garlic. Heat at medium until the garlic is browning but not dark, then turn off the heat and add pepper flakes. 

4. By the time your pasta is done cooking, your garlic will be browned. Add the pasta to the pan along with a few spoonfuls of pasta water. Don't add too much at this point; you can always add more. 

5. Stir and toss the pasta rapidly with the heat on high. If a thick, creamy sauce doesn't come together and you see oil in the pan, add a little more pasta water and keep stirring. 

6. Once your sauce is emulsified, throw in the parsley and eat hot. I like to mix in a little parmesan too.  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S01E15 — Learning Curve 

Adventure Time S02E03 — Loyalty to the King 

Adventure Time S02E04 — Blood Under the Skin  

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Do you think they're ever going to fire any of their photon torpedos? What is a "photon torpedo" anyway? It's just light in torpedo form, right? Photons can't do anything. I mean, they can, like, make a ship cruise through space if it has solar sails, but that's silly nonsense. I want to see a space ship explode because someone shot a tube full of green laser pointers at it. Especially if it's a ship full of goblins. Let that shit just fucking explode, man. I want to do light-based heroism, and sometimes that heroism involves shooting missiles at goblin-filled space ships. I'll be chillin' there on the bridge (like the legend that I am) fuckin' shreddin' on my tool-derived lute while Janeway launches a salvo into the nearest sardine can full of little green aliens. And there's nothing anyone can do about it, especially as I wail on my whammy bar. The most important thing here is that they're photon torpedos, which are about as effective as turning on a bright lightbulb in a room full of people whose eyes are adjusted to the dark. That'll stun 'em for a second, which is all the time you need to stomp, stomp, stomp on them and steal their souls. Then once you're in frog mode, you can talk about how you saw everyone else doing it and there was no way you were just going to sit there and not be a part of this. No way, sister. Not in a blink of a hell's eyeball. An eye, you may be thinking, that you've never seen on me before. And now that you look a little bit closer — hey! What the heck? How long have you had that? Has it been there the whole time? I can't remember if it's a part of your character model or not... But I don't think it is. I don't think that pocket has alwa — is that an eyeball? Did you have a fucking eyeball in there? Yeah man, that's my Hell's Eyeball. Look at it blink. Nah man, I don't want to see a disembodied eyeball stare at me. But it's so cute! No. That's nasty. That's Jeremiah! Jeremiah? Yeah man, you have a name, right? That's his. You named your eyeball Jeremiah? No, it came with the name. I guess someone in hell named it that. Named him that. He's a he. And he's named Jeremiah. Anyway, he's been there the whole time even if you didn't notice it.  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S01E14 — Jetrel 

Adventure Time S02E01 — It Came From the Nightosphere 

Adventure Time S02E02 — The Eyes  

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Look, there's a lot of talk about whether or not the word "basic" is sexist. I'm not here to litigate that. Jake ain't basic. Janeway ain't basic. Finn? He a lil basic, baybee. Tom Paris? Tom Paris is a piping-cold glass of basic spinach purée, poured into a basic bowl and served as a "fancy" (but it B A S I C) side with a basic p-nut butter & jelly sandwich. That man BASIC.  

Now there's nothing wrong with being basic. I'm basic. You're cool but I bet even you have a basic moment or two, right? Like that moment where you let it slip that you actually really dig the pumpkin spice latte and your entire wardrobe consists of leggings. It's fine, I ain't judgin' you! Let People Enjoy Things, right?  

But Paris lives in a future where he has a machine that can make him literally anything he wants. Steak au poivre? Naw baby, hot plain tomato soup. Szechuan dry fried beef? Don't gimme none of that — I want a sandwich! Prinsesstårta? [Drake covering his face; below, Drake pointing at a glass full of green liquid and smiling].  

Anyway, eat some gold and get your grind on. I edited this episode, so if it sounds weird, that's why. Love you forever, boo!  

Covered this episode: 

Star Trek: Voyager S01E13 - Faces

Adventure Time S01E25 - His Hero 

Adventure Time S01E26 - Gut Grinder  

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Space! The final frontier. These are the journeys of the Conversation Parade, brought to you by Pete Durst. Hey, do you want a True Fact (not a rock fact) about Pete Durst? He is the great-great-great-great-great grandson of Fred Durst. Pete would always order a limp biscuit from the replicator in honor of his paternal papa. Fred, of course, is a descendant of the Duke of Nuts, which explains a lot about him if you ask me. Have you met the Duchess? She's... there. Let's not think about her. Don't throw potions, friends. It can lead to bad things, like losing your imagination or having to send messages with racist maps.   

Covered this episode:

Adventure Time S01E23 — Rainy Day Daydream 

Adventure Time S01E24 — What Have You Done?  

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