In this episode I talk about how my story had me without sex for almost 2.5 years. I talk about why that happened, and why I chose to go so long without.  I share what it is that had me be intimate with someone after such a long time, and what that looked like. I talk about fucking and making love, and what I find to be the difference between the two after going so long without the touch of a woman. 

I would like to believe that I was not ready to be with someone during that time, but the truth is that I was so scared of being rejected I didn't even try.  I think that if someone had found me attractive, or wanted me in that way, I would not had been able to see it.  I was walking with my head facing the ground while holding my heart in my hand.  I never looked up long enough to entertain the idea that I was wanted. After my divorce, that part of me went silent, I guess. 

I think the reason I even recorded this podcast is because it happened. Not only did it happen, but I am not ashamed, bothered, or have given it any destructive meaning. I never questioned why it wasn't there.  It was just something that wasn't happening. Why I went this long without sex motivates me to shed another layer with you and record it within a weekend nugget. 

As I reflect now,  I recall wanting to be touched, to be wanted sexually. Yet, It wasn't till someone reached out and made the first move that I was even awake to the possibility.  Awake to feeling sexy, appreciated and wanted.

In so many ways, this time away from being touched has given me access to something far greater than being held. I find myself not apologizing for what I want now, and being  more transparent in sharing what I need. I find myself not thinking about someone else first, as I have for so many years. Which may sound selfish to some, and I am okay with that. Being first is so foreign to me that I embrace whatever judgement comes with it. 

To be so present that I can place myself first, has been a gift. It has given me the confidence to know and share who I am. It has reminded me that if I am not happy, how could I make someone else happy. 

So, wherever you are. I hope this episode reminds you of how important it is to embrace your process, however it reveals itself to you. To share your story to whomever will listen, and to always place yourself first before anyone else. You are that important.