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A huge challenge in defining your role as a stepparent is trying to figure out when that role actually begins. 

When you become a parent, there's a clear before-and-after sequence. One day there wasn't a kid around. The next day, BAM. You're a parent. Even adoptive parents and foster parents experience this. 

As a stepparent, not so much. Becoming a stepparent is the opposite of a clear sequence. No one says "I'm now a stepparent!" after they've been on a couple dates with someone who has kids. I never called myself a stepmom until after Dan and I got married. Which was ridiculous; if I wasn't a stepparent by then — at 4 years in and living together — what was I?

But while there may not be a clear starting point for the moment you become a stepparent, one thing that stepparents and biological parents have in common is this: there is no end point. Your role is always evolving, always growing and changing. You'll always learn more, you'll always find better approaches, you'll have good days and rough days and in-between days.

In the meantime, don’t stress too much about defining your relationship or wondering if you’re a “real” stepparent yet. It’s okay not to have those answers right away. And if you want more reassurance about that, go check out my workshop on redefining the stepparenting role. It’s free to paid Substack subscribers, but you can unlock access with a free trial too. xo

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