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Episode 259 – Dr. Bruce Chalmer: When Communication Isn’t the Real Problem in Relationships (or in Society)

What if the root of conflict in our relationships — and in our divided world — isn’t a failure to communicate, but a failure to tolerate discomfort?

In this episode of Derate The Hate, I sit down with couples therapist and author Dr. Bruce Chalmer to explore how anxiety, not poor communication, is often the true barrier to meaningful connection — both in marriages and across ideological divides.

Bruce has worked with couples for nearly 30 years, and his book It’s Not About Communication! challenges everything we think we know about relationship struggles. But what makes this conversation especially powerful is how deeply his insights apply beyond romantic partnerships — to how we engage in tough conversations with those we disagree with.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

✅ Why communication isn’t the root problem in many relationships
✅ How anxiety disrupts connection and meaningful dialogue
✅ Why tolerating discomfort is essential to emotional intimacy
✅ How ideas lead to growth, but ideologies often create rigidity
✅ The impact of confirmation bias on both romantic and political conversations
✅ Why faith in others’ humanity is foundational for bridging divides
✅ How the tools of couples therapy can strengthen civil discourse

We also discuss Bruce’s podcast with his wife Judy, Couples Therapy in Seven Words, where they explore love, faith, and what it means to truly connect in a world that often prioritizes being right over being human.

Key Takeaways:

✅ Emotional connection requires vulnerability, not just technique
✅ Communication “problems” are often anxiety in disguise
✅ Real transformation comes from deep listening and mutual respect
✅ The goal of conversation isn’t to win — it’s to connect
✅ We must create shared space for dialogue, even amid disagreement

Learn more about and connect with Dr. Bruce Chalmer by getting the full show notes at www.DerateTheHate.com

The world is a better place if we are better people. That begins with each of us as individuals. Be kind to one another. Be grateful for all you’ve got. Make every day the day that you want it to be!

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