Jacob freaks out about seeing Esau again and immediately ranks his household by their human-shield potential. God overdoes his attempts to lift Jacob’s spirits by staging an all-night wrestling match. Several dozen clotheslines later, Jacob is left with a broken hip and new name, Israel. Luckily for The Artist Formerly Known As Jacob, Esau turns out to be chill, and brotherly love prevails. Unluckily, his only daughter, Dina, catches the eye of a douchebag rapist. Dina’s brothers insist that the price for her hand in marriage is one metric ton of foreskin. After Circumcision Day comes Judgment Day, as the brothers get medieval on every man in the city, who are too busy holding ice to their groins to defend themselves. We wrap up with a Sesame Street special where Esau demonstrates the power of genetic inheritance. (​​Genesis 32:4-36:43)

On his way to Haran, Jacob uses a random stone as a pillow and has trippy dreams with distinct Led Zeppelin vibes. Speaking of stones, Jacob lifts a huge one with just his erection and then signs a seven-year employment contract in exchange for marrying the boss’s daughter, Rachel. Unfortunately, her father Laban enforces a strict “first-out-of-womb, first-into-wedlock” rule by tagging in Rachel’s crazy-eyed older sister Leah on the wedding night. Laban then insists that Jacob’s employment benefit of marrying Rachel needs another seven more years to vest. After fathering twelve children with four different women, Jacob gets revenge by painting his father-in-law’s goats, and Rachel scoops all the family heirlooms into a duffel bag on her way out the door. Just before fists are thrown, a stoned God drops by to mellow everyone out, man. (Genesis 28:10-32:3)

Rebecca gets pregnant with some “special help” from God. It’s twins! The first, Esau, has an unfortunate resemblance to Elmo crossed with Hellboy. His awful luck continues when he trades his birthright for some off-brand baked beans from his mild-mannered brother, Jacob. Jacob gets pressured into wearing goatskin to steal a magic one-use-only blessing from Esau, then gets the hell out of Dodge before Esau can take his revenge. Also, Isaac tries out the “my wife is my sister” trick (again), Esau gets married three times, and God munches popcorn in his pajamas. It’s in tents…and intense (sorry not sorry)! (Genesis 25:19-28:9)

After Sarah dies, Abraham pushes his HR policies to breaking point to recruit his oldest servant into getting a wife for Isaac. After surpassing the lowest bar imaginable, and impressed by some new bling, Rebekah returns with the servant and finds Isaac “meditating” in a field. It’s a match made in heaven…until he insists that their first time is inside his dead mom’s tent. The awkwardness continues as Isaac and Ishmael reunite for Abraham’s funeral and God gets sloppy drunk and botches the eulogy. (Genesis 23:1-25:18)

Sarah laughs at God and Abraham talks back. But God’s taking it easy this week by destroying only two cities instead of the whole world. We see first-hand why Sodom and Gomorrah were in God’s crosshairs. Lot and his family escape to a cave where his daughters bring incest back in a big way. Abraham finally gets in on that trend with a huge reveal: His wife is also his half-sister!? At least they finally have the child they’ve been promised, who stirs up some perilous sibling rivalry and then is nearly stabbed to death by his father. (Genesis 18:1-22:24)

Abram pretends that his wife is his sister so she can sleep with the Pharaoh. God isn’t impressed by this trick, so it’s time for a plague. God avoids math by getting Abram to count the stars to figure out his total number of descendents. Speaking of descendents, Abram has a baby with Sarai’s maid, leading to cat-fighting chaos in the family tent. Then, everyone gets circumcised. It’s a lot! (Genesis 12:1–17:27)

In a shocking twist, God hits ctrl-z on the whole world by using a lot of water. Noah receives oddly detailed instructions on building an ark and quickly learns the stinky consequences of living on a boat with hundreds of animals. Noah then eats some of the animals he “saved” before getting super-drunk on homemade wine and cursing out his son, who is unfortunately named Ham. (Genesis 6:9-11:32)

It’s the pilot episode! God wiggles his arms a lot and magics up the world. Later we meet a guy who would totally rat you out in middle school, a woman who used to be a rib, and a smooth-talking snake who’s all about the apples. Too bad God has one very specific rule about that one tree…which everyone breaks. Sibling murder and incest follow! (Genesis 1:1-6:8)