Wrath of Pod

The rock people are back this week in the character of Micah, who may or may not be hiding a spicy secret about his real dad. Micah steals money from his mom, fesses up, makes some idols, and hires a “priest” to live in his house on the basis of absolutely no actual qualifications for that job. Meanwhile, a group of genetically identical Dans try to find a good place to live, and they steal the idols, the priest, and some children on the way there. If you’re wondering what any of this has to do with freeing the Israelites from slavery, well, your guess is as good as ours! (Judges 17-18)

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A de-aged Arnold Schwarzenegger is back as Samson for a second week of arson, murder, and donkey jawbones. He first tries to get back with his wife via goat, then gives the Philistines the Firefox treatment when he’s rebuffed. But Samson’s fate is sealed after he says “hey there” to Delilah. She puts up with his bondage kink for just long enough to learn the secret of his strength, and the Philistines take both his hair and his eyeballs. Samson gets a dramatic last laugh with God’s approval. (Judges 15-16)

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God continues to finance his kitchen renovations by selling the Israelites into slavery yet again. Manoah and his wife are told by a truly wonderful angel that their son Samson will start to deliver the Israelites from slavery, as long as she follows all of the Surgeon General’s warnings and he never cuts his hair. After being imbued with sparkly God powers, Samson tears a lion in half, tells a terrible riddle, and gets married and then un-married in the same day. But who cares about any of that – just listen to Marcus’s spot-on impression of this week’s special guest star! (Judges 13-14)

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The Philistines experience a major case of buyer’s remorse over stealing the Ark, as city after city falls prey to God’s vengeance, which comes in the form of (very gross) tumors and rats. They finally just send the ark back, with added (very gross) bling to sweeten the deal. Then, Samuel gives fashion advice and encourages the Israelites to stop worshipping other gods, and God shows off his new “confusing thunder” attack. The episode ends with the return of the Hebrew Complaint Brigade, who whine that they need Samuel to make them a king. (1 Samuel 5-8)

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Jephthah is first thrown out of his father’s house to live that Robin Hood lifestyle, then is bribed back with the promise of power when the Israelites really, really need his help to get out of their latest slavery thing. He makes a completely stupid promise to sacrifice the first thing to come out of his house in exchange for victory, apparently forgetting that people who he likes live there. God could probably have prevented that whole thing but he’s still distracted by his kitchen renovations. Then, members of the tribe of Ephraim illustrate the deadly consequences of having a speech impediment. (Judges 11-12)

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Abimelech takes over the city of Shechem with a savvy ad campaign. He then murders his other 69 brothers (nice), leaving only the youngest, an aspiring young spoken-word poet with a thing for tree metaphors. In response to this power grab, Gaal gets drunk and promises to take back the city. He sobers up just in time to get his ass kicked by Abimelech, who in turn has his skull smashed in by a (gasp!) female character. In a shocking turn of events, God draws a line in the sand and refuses to deliver the Israelites from their latest round of slavery, immediately after which he promises to deliver the Israelites from their latest round of slavery. (Judges 9-10)

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Gideon is back this week, and he starts by launching his assault on a camp of Midianites on acid. Too bad that they’re all so scared by his trumpets and torches that they don’t stick around for the rap battle. Gideon’s trip to the drive-through to get his army some snacks doesn’t go well, so he threatens thorny revenge on a very erect tower. Although the Israelites ask him to become their king, he refuses, instead choosing to spend his time cooking in his golden apron and fathering 70 children. (Judges 7:9-8:35)

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As God once again sells the Israelites into slavery, he falls hard for this week’s judge and savior, Gideon. An angel brings Gideon this news and then uses some flaming BBQ to convince him to do some major renovations on his dad’s altar to Baal. But Gideon keeps asking for signs that God is truly on his side. He’s eventually convinced by a soggy fleece. Gideon then gets his army battle-ready by telling the scaredy-cats to go home and making the rest drink water doggy-style. (Judges 6:1-7:8)

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Once again, the Israelites have gotten their sorry idol-worshipping asses sold to another nation as punishment. But this time, they’re saved by women! First, Deborah the prophetess shoves a reluctant Israelite commander onto the battlefield to fight the Canaanite army, headed by a testosterone junkie named Sisera. Sisera escapes from the battle and seeks refuge with Jael, who first screws up his drink order and then stabs him through the head. We wrap up with a weird musical number about Sisera’s mom. (Judges 4-5)

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The Holy Bible Show pivots to its new Kings of Canaan spin-off and wastes no time before launching into more battles, cryogenically frozen legacy characters, and lots of weird names! Even the angel is back as the Israelites deal with the remnants of the land’s inhabitants (who probably are actually rock people) and with their own absolutely insatiable desire to serve any god but God. In retaliation, God repeatedly sells them into slavery and then sends judges to violently redeem them, leading to lots of bad Yelp reviews and at least one very gruesome stabbing. (Judges 1-3)

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