Having seen the death and destruction visited on his neighbors by the Israelite army, local king Balak tries a different tactic, hiring Certified Hedge Wizard Balaam to curse the Israelites. God repeatedly trolls Balaam on his way to this new job with contradictory FaceTime calls, invisible angels, and a talking donkey. God finally lets Balaam get on with it, but then literally puts his own words in Balaam’s mouth, leading to a musical pronouncement of Israel’s awesomeness. Balak tries rebooting the cursing ceremony but in response, Balaam predicts that Balak’s people are next in line for destruction. We cap off the episode with the dire consequences of listening to your girlfriend about which God to worship, which may include being impaled by a javelin-throwing priest. (Numbers 22:2–25:9)

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God starts off this week’s episode with a recipe for the world’s most disgusting sports drink, followed immediately by a terrible eulogy for poor Miriam, who was just never able to shake that bad case of racism-induced leprosy. Then the Hebrew Complaint Brigade whines about the lack of water, leading a frustrated Moses to ignore God’s instructions about how he wants his rock to be treated. This is a bad enough offense that both Moses and Aaron are blacklisted from entering the promised land, and then Aaron freezes to death on top of a very suggestively named mountain. The drama continues with Israelites first being barred from entering the Cheese Kingdom and then utterly kicking the asses of three different nations. Plus the latest in home remedies: Bites from fiery serpents can be cured by looking at a snake statue! (Numbers 19:1–22:1)

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The Israelites’ addiction to complaining continues, with Korah and his followers whining about how Moses and Aaron have too much power. God first threatens to wipe everyone out, but settles for running a competition that ends with an earthquake. That still isn’t enough, because the next day features more complaining about God killing yesterday’s complainers. This time, God actually starts to wipe everyone out, and Moses and Aaron have to tag-team some burning incense through the crowd to stop him. In a last-ditch effort to get everyone to finally shut up, God makes all 12 tribes show off their rods to see which one is up to the task. (Numbers 16:1–18:32)

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The Israelites try their hand at spycraft this week, sending people to scout out the land of Canaan. They steal some mutant grapes and bring back reports of giant people and tiny horses, which scares everyone so much that they wish they were still enslaved. God snaps, threatening to wipe everyone out. After Moses talks him down, God settles on some sneaky revenge against the whiners, who have to walk in circles in the desert for 40 years until the next generation of nepo babies is ready to inherit Canaan. But if you thought God was vindictive and petty, watch out for the Sabbath Police, who stone a guy just for picking up sticks. (Numbers 13:1–15:41)

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God is back and sassier than ever in this week’s episode! He starts off as we’ve come to expect, focusing excessively on the importance of nightlights and musical instruments. But once the Israelites start whining about how the food was better in Egypt (seriously?!), he lays down the punishment in a big way, sending them enough plague-riddled quail to choke a three-humped camel. He next turns his wrath on Miriam and Aaron for insulting Zipporah and slagging off his main man Moses, finally serving up a punishment that fits the crime. Plus we meet some hippie elders and get an explanation of why meteorology is suddenly a really important profession. (Numbers 8:1–12:16)

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If you were hoping for a big battle scene this week after last week’s army muster, well, too bad! Instead of marching his awesome new army into battle, God continues to coach the tribe of Levi in interior decoration and puts in place some very unusual (and badly named) rituals for getting past the velvet rope to his club. He then throws a fun date night idea into the mix: All you need is a suspicious spouse, a measure of barley, and an inkstand full of blood. The episode wraps with a showy parade of 12 identical offerings for the Tabernacle and cuts off just as God is about to say something interesting for once. (Numbers 4:21–7:89)

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True to its name, Season 4: Numbers opens with lots and lots of numbers, as God gets jittery about the neighbors and conscripts all men over 20 into his army. The costume department rises to the challenge with a terrific collection of tribe-specific uniform designs, which will of course never be made available in the official show shop. The Levites are exempt from army service, partly because God realizes that he can trade them for all of the firstborns (and a stack of cash), but also because denim is a terrible material for combat fatigues. God then adds some more actions to his list of things that will get you killed for no good reason, including getting too close to the Tabernacle and looking at spoons when you’re not supposed to. (Numbers 1:1–4:20)

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Marcus and Deanna review Season 3: Leviticus! Will God finally let Moses take a day off? What kind of punishment is appropriate for using stupid corporate expressions? What happens when sexy fan fiction meets a classic country tune? We discuss all this and more, plus the winner of the season-wide Weirdest Name competition and some exciting updates about the Holy Bible Show convention!

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In this final episode of the season, God brain-dumps the last of his laws while practicing his best flight-attendant voice and wearing his best pair of jeans. We hear that priests must marry virgins, can’t have any physical defects, and a bunch of other cringy, retrograde stuff that we’ve come to expect from this out-of-touch boomer. He also makes up some holidays centering on unleavened bread, trumpets, and self-loathing. At least we get to see an actual stoning after someone curses up a storm. God is also careful to point out all the cannibalism and anxiety disorders he will inflict on the Israelites if they don’t follow his many, many, many laws. (Leviticus chapters 21 to 27)

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God’s call-in radio show pivots to cooking tips this episode, revealing his preferences for hooves, cud, fins, scales, and grasshoppers. Then God shows his germophobic side, laying down some rules about how to handle sores on your beard or when your bedsheets get icky – and the makeup department’s work on all of the diseased extras is not for the faint of heart! Aaron presides over a special ceremony that will remove all of the uncleanliness and sin from the community by gambling on a pair of goats. God also gives strict warnings against touching lizards, fortune-telling, and raving at a demon’s club. (Leviticus chapters 11 to 20)

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