Moses somehow increases the pace on his rapid-fire carrot-and-stick reminders – one moment he’s waxing poetic about an awesome new theme park in Canaan, and the next moment he’s threatening to release a swarm of hornets if the Israelites don’t do as God says. While berating the head of the Hebrew Complaint Brigade, Moses describes a special kind of circumcision that may stop their complaining for good. As part of this tirade, Moses drops the bombshell that God doesn’t actually like the Israelites all that much and has never gotten over the whole golden calf thing. (Deuteronomy 7:12–11:25)

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Moses continues his “tell not show” retirement party speech, and his bitterness at being excluded from the Canaan party really comes out. He follows up this rant with a litany of reminders focusing on God’s strict rules for not worshipping idols, which include a surprisingly large loophole for unicorns. As he transitions to a post-party chat with incumbent prophet Joshua, it’s clear that he takes a dim view of the new guy’s abilities, prompting him to repeat the 10 Commandments word for word and insist that the Israelites literally staple the laws to their foreheads. (Deuteronomy 3:23–7:11)

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It’s the season opener for Season 5, “Study of the Dudes”! Moses gives a rambling farewell speech at his retirement party that would put your grandpa to shame, focusing on that one time that everyone got cold feet about going to Canaan and were cursed to wander in the desert for 40 years. He also spills some tea about Og, king of Bashan, who is setting a new standard in bedroom furniture. (Deuteronomy 1:1–3:22)

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Marcus and Deanna review Season 4: Numbers! What exactly was God’s relationship with that rock? How might the noble sport of curling be featured in future battle scenes? Just how many lambs have been silenced so far in all those sacrifices? And of course, we reveal the winner of the season-wide Weirdest Name competition!

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This season finale has it all! God opens with some more misogynist rules, and then quickly pivots to violence, sending the Israelite army out for an epic battle against the Midianites. Led by everyone’s favorite javelin-wielding badass, Phineas, the Israelites utterly destroy their enemies and discover the shocking identity of a traitor (or should we say “trait-hur”?) in their midst. Moses then succumbs to the power of the dark side as he puts a black bucket on his head and goes full Egypt on some innocent women and children. We wrap with not one but five weddings, which are mostly an excuse to get God drunk, show off the costume department’s love for neutral colors, and keep the inheritance within the family. (Numbers 30:2–36:13)

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Moses’s anxiety about dropping dead at any moment peaks as God orders yet another census of the Israelites (which is mostly an excuse to channel his favorite Sesame Street character). Then, in a shocking twist, God changes the laws of inheritance in favor of women. Next, without any warning, God tells Moses that he’s going to be "Aaroned" at the top of a mountain. Rather than immediately putting Moses out of his misery, he makes Moses sweat through the installment of a new prophet and a litany of sacrifice reminders. Tune in next week to find out if Moses makes it through the season finale! (Numbers 25:10–30:1)

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Having seen the death and destruction visited on his neighbors by the Israelite army, local king Balak tries a different tactic, hiring Certified Hedge Wizard Balaam to curse the Israelites. God repeatedly trolls Balaam on his way to this new job with contradictory FaceTime calls, invisible angels, and a talking donkey. God finally lets Balaam get on with it, but then literally puts his own words in Balaam’s mouth, leading to a musical pronouncement of Israel’s awesomeness. Balak tries rebooting the cursing ceremony but in response, Balaam predicts that Balak’s people are next in line for destruction. We cap off the episode with the dire consequences of listening to your girlfriend about which God to worship, which may include being impaled by a javelin-throwing priest. (Numbers 22:2–25:9)

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God starts off this week’s episode with a recipe for the world’s most disgusting sports drink, followed immediately by a terrible eulogy for poor Miriam, who was just never able to shake that bad case of racism-induced leprosy. Then the Hebrew Complaint Brigade whines about the lack of water, leading a frustrated Moses to ignore God’s instructions about how he wants his rock to be treated. This is a bad enough offense that both Moses and Aaron are blacklisted from entering the promised land, and then Aaron freezes to death on top of a very suggestively named mountain. The drama continues with Israelites first being barred from entering the Cheese Kingdom and then utterly kicking the asses of three different nations. Plus the latest in home remedies: Bites from fiery serpents can be cured by looking at a snake statue! (Numbers 19:1–22:1)

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The Israelites’ addiction to complaining continues, with Korah and his followers whining about how Moses and Aaron have too much power. God first threatens to wipe everyone out, but settles for running a competition that ends with an earthquake. That still isn’t enough, because the next day features more complaining about God killing yesterday’s complainers. This time, God actually starts to wipe everyone out, and Moses and Aaron have to tag-team some burning incense through the crowd to stop him. In a last-ditch effort to get everyone to finally shut up, God makes all 12 tribes show off their rods to see which one is up to the task. (Numbers 16:1–18:32)

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The Israelites try their hand at spycraft this week, sending people to scout out the land of Canaan. They steal some mutant grapes and bring back reports of giant people and tiny horses, which scares everyone so much that they wish they were still enslaved. God snaps, threatening to wipe everyone out. After Moses talks him down, God settles on some sneaky revenge against the whiners, who have to walk in circles in the desert for 40 years until the next generation of nepo babies is ready to inherit Canaan. But if you thought God was vindictive and petty, watch out for the Sabbath Police, who stone a guy just for picking up sticks. (Numbers 13:1–15:41)

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