In this very special episode, Marcus and Deanna summarize all of Season 5, review the entire series, and also break down all of the mischief and mayhem of the first-ever Holy Bible Convention! Which character is getting their very own spinoff series? What has Marcus been keeping in his suitcase? Who would win the Holy Bible Hunger Games? We answer all of those questions, plus reveal the weirdest names of both the season and the series!

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This season and series finale features the most long-awaited death scene ever! But first, Moses just has to give one final speech. He individually blesses all 12 tribes of Israel – well, almost all 12 – with heavy sandals, baby lions, toxic masculinity, and an encouragement to fight dirty. Moses then ascends to yet another badly named mountain and is just starting to enjoy the vista when God finally punches his ticket and buries him in an unmarked grave. (Deuteronomy 33:1-34:12)

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Dust off your cowboy hats, warm up your accordion, and get ready to swing – it’s a musical episode! Moses opens his final song with a catchy banjo tune, then yields the stage to an operatic performance from Joshua. We also hear from a crowd favorite timbral band, Zipporah and her two sons, and a very special musical guest star! Not to be outdone, God himself takes the stage with an 80s-inspired banger before reminding Moses that now it’s really, really time for him to go die on Mount Nebo. (Deuteronomy 32:1-52)

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Moses tells the assembled crowd that their relationship with God is totally exclusive, whether they like it or not – and it’s going to involve open-heart surgery, whether they like it or not! He then announces that it’s his birthday, and because he can’t “go out and come in” like he used to (ahem), he’s officially going to pass the torch to Joshua. At the inauguration ceremony, God springs one last surprise on Moses: He has to write a catchy banjo tune to finally help the Israelites remember that God will smite all of their sorry asses if they worship other gods. (Deuteronomy 29:9-31:30)

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God continues quizzing Moses, starting with a set of laws that combine food taxes with storytelling. But when a crowd gathers outside and demands a few last words of wisdom from their favorite prophet, Moses obliges with gusto. He first encourages them to cover a set of public monuments with graffiti, then lists out a horrifying set of consequences that will ensue if they don’t follow all of God’s laws. But if the Israelites do manage to get it right, not only will they avoid mildew, leg boils, and cannibalism, they’ll also get some truly divine baskets! (Deuteronomy 26:1-29:8)

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God himself drops by Moses’s house to give him a pop quiz about some laws, a surprising number of which involve stoning children, destroying other nations, and keeping oxen and donkeys away from each other. God also reminisces about this crazy house party he had one time, which apparently involved adulterous people falling off the roof and women having their hands cut off for grabbing his junk. At least we finally find out what circumcision is for! (Deuteronomy 21:10–25:19)

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Moses gets by with a little help from his friends in this episode, as Joshua, Caleb, and Mummy Joseph drop by to check on everyone’s favorite doomed prophet. Moses takes the opportunity to spew out a few more laws (among other things), reminding everyone that they need to stop all the soothsaying and horse trading and start killing every living thing in Canaan. All is going swimmingly until Moses forgets to include Joshua in his plan of succession. (Deuteronomy 16:18–21:9)

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Another episode, another drunken litany of reminders from Moses. As he shuffles home after the party, he talks about a blessing MacGuffin, burn books, and God’s very important convenience store – and don’t forget to bring God some gaudy trinkets when you visit! Along the way, the Israelites absolutely cannot eat any camels or show the slightest interest in investigating non-God religions. They can, however, elect to have their ears nailed to a door if they’d like to remain enslaved after 7 years. (Deuteronomy 11:26–16:17)

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Moses somehow increases the pace on his rapid-fire carrot-and-stick reminders – one moment he’s waxing poetic about an awesome new theme park in Canaan, and the next moment he’s threatening to release a swarm of hornets if the Israelites don’t do as God says. While berating the head of the Hebrew Complaint Brigade, Moses describes a special kind of circumcision that may stop their complaining for good. As part of this tirade, Moses drops the bombshell that God doesn’t actually like the Israelites all that much and has never gotten over the whole golden calf thing. (Deuteronomy 7:12–11:25)

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Moses continues his “tell not show” retirement party speech, and his bitterness at being excluded from the Canaan party really comes out. He follows up this rant with a litany of reminders focusing on God’s strict rules for not worshipping idols, which include a surprisingly large loophole for unicorns. As he transitions to a post-party chat with incumbent prophet Joshua, it’s clear that he takes a dim view of the new guy’s abilities, prompting him to repeat the 10 Commandments word for word and insist that the Israelites literally staple the laws to their foreheads. (Deuteronomy 3:23–7:11)

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