Wreckoning

Six questions:

1. “You have a lover, a man who is everything to you. He lives apart from you, but within walking distance. One day you decide to visit him. You have two paths you can take to get to his home. One is a short but boring path that will get you there quickly. The other is a long but scenic path with many beautiful sites that will take longer. Which do you take?”

2. “Along the path you come across rose bushes. The roses come in two colors -- red and white. You decide you want to pick some roses for your lover. You are allowed to pick twenty roses of any combination of red or white. How many red and how many white roses do you pick?”

3. “You arrive at your lover’s home and knock on the door. A family member opens the door. Do you ask to be let in so you can go to his room to see him, or do you ask the family member to bring him to the door?”

4. “You go up to his bedroom and he is not there. You want to leave the roses in his room. Do you leave them on his windowsill or on his bed?"

5. “Your lover returns and you two spend the night together making sweet sweet sex. You both fall asleep and in the morning you wake up first. You lean over to his side of the bed to see if he is awake. Is he awake or still sleeping?”

6. “It’s the end of the day and time for you to say goodbye to your lover and go home. As before, you are presented with two paths to get home -- a long but scenic path and a short but boring path. Which path do you take?”

“The way he handles the hot girls in my office is nothing short of amazing.”

“How so?”

“Girls will go up to him and say ‘Good morning, Joe!’, and Joe will bark back ‘You’re crazy don’t even talk to me!'”

“Wow. Nuclear neg.”

“If a girl says ‘Hi’ to him, he’ll say ‘Don’t kiss me, I have a girlfriend.’ If she gets too far into his personal space, he’ll scold her: ‘Don’t touch me! You’re not my girlfriend.'”

“And the girls find this charming?”

“You wouldn’t believe it."

Children’s games that you should play with women you intend to bang:

1. The Repeating Game.

2. Tag.

3. Stop Touching Me.

4. Simon Says.

5. Sidewalk Cracks.

6. Thumb Wrestling.

If she punches you after losing, she’s D.T.F.

Here are some actions and lines you can use when a woman has challenged you - and revealed her blossoming attraction for you.

You have to be a bit of an actor to pull some of these off, but seduction is, in its essence, the art of acting... The key to many of these is a bemused or neutral facial expression. Body language should be slow and deliberate, bordering on instilling discomfort.

- Arch eyebrows. Stare at her for three seconds. Look away.

- Look her over with neutral expression, draw in lips, slowly nod head, and exhale “yeeeeeeeahhh.....”

- Sarcastically, “Wow, so cold, so cold. mmhmmm.”

- “Goooooddamnit.” Act disappointed, shake head, frown. “I thought you were different.”

- “Hmm,” *pause pause pause* “you’re off to a good start, I see.”

- “Just what I needed tonight.” Smirk a little here. “A ballbuster.”

- Stare, cock head, blank face. “Charming.”

- “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

- Smile broadly and phonily. “All right! This is fun!” Raise your glass to her, like a toast.

- “I thought I was the biggest bitch here.” To be used sparingly on especially hot women with serious bitch complexes.

- Exhale loudly and slowly. Put your drink on the bar. Turn to face her. Relax arms and clasp your hands together.

- “Your games are for children.”

- Straight face, “I’m glad I got to know you.” Excuse yourself politely from her company.

- “I bet you say that to all the men who secretly make you a little nervous. Like a schoolgirl.”

- Furrow your brow, cock head, like your examining a zit on her face. “You’re.... weirdly fascinating.”

- “Thanks for not making this too easy/polite/friendly.”

- “It’s a good thing I met you. Nice girls bore me.”

- “I’ve got a question. Does this normally work for you?”

- “Well.” Raise your glass to her. Smile. Nod in appreciation. “Just what I expected.”

- “I’ve heard about girls like you.” Wait for a reply. “Nothing good, I’m afraid.”

- “C+.” She will ask what you’re talking about. “Your flirting skills. Not bad, room for improvement if you apply yourself.”

- Make a fake pained expression.

- Appear befuddled. “Your question seems silly to me.”

- “I’ve gotta hand it to you. I was expecting a sane, boring girl.”

- “Never-mind.”

- “Hold that thought.” Drink, talk to the bartender or a friend, or just stare at the wall. She will expect you to return to the conversation. You won’t.

- Duct tape her mouth. “That’s better.”

One of the above is a joke.

GIRL: what do you think of feminism?

You.

– great for my sex life!

– child’s play.

– it’s like religion. makes people feel good.

– great! girls buy me drinks now.

– dunno. never ate one.

– fucking LOVE it. premarital sex for the win!

– you mean lesbianism?

– i don’t.

– love it. i’d be married if it wasn’t for feminism.

– it’s bursting with fruit flavor.

– you’ll have to ask my grandma.

– it’s cute!

***

GIRL: what do you think of feminists?

You:

– they’re sexy underneath.

– beautiful on the inside.

– so smart! guys love that about girls. yup, being totally serious here.

– they ask weird questions.

– love chicks who rock the pit hair. shows they’re secure in their masculinity.

– so cute!

– best divorcees in the world.

– love 'em. most of them are secretly giggling little schoolgirls once you get to know them.

– i’d tell you but then you’d have to buy me a drink.

***

GIRL: are you a feminist?

YOU:

– i wish, but i was born with a penis.

– that’s what my doctor says.

– when it’s convenient.

– for you, any time sweet cheeks.

– are you flirting with me?

– i’m not wearing any underwear, so, yeah.

A big mistake I see a lot of men making -- besides an inability to recognize a shit test when it is leveled at them -- is sounding spiteful in response. The critical distinction to make when volleying a shit test is to avoid confusing sneering umbrage for cocky indifference. The line is surprisingly thin... Be the latter.

Good rule of thumb: if your reply to a shit test would sound like it is coming from a man who cares that his feelings were bruised, don’t say it.

You’ll note three things in my response. 

1) I didn’t back off from my initial assertion. Nothing kills tingles faster than defensiveness or apologia. 

2) I continued the ruse under the assumption that my insidious neg was actually a compliment.

3) I added the qualifier “usually” as a means of keeping her hamster in full throttle spin mode.

Negs often can be as simple as one-word descriptions that are as easily interpreted as unflattering observations as they are as compliments; and therein lies their effectiveness...

"modest.

strict.

humble.

wallflower.

unassuming.

strait-laced.

serious.

responsible.

introverted.

conservative.

upright.

polite.

proper.

good person.

moral.

respectable.

hard-headed.

nonconformist.

don’t care about other people’s opinions.

fastidious.

overeager.

excited to be here.

innocent.

out of her element.

guarded.

social butterfly.

above it all.

queen bee.

march to her own drummer.

individualist.

social/fashion/party maven.

netflix kind of girl.

calm.

low-key.

put up a facade for the crowd.

judgmental.

keep to herself.

energized by the scene.

natural performer.

happiest person here.

brooding.

good friend qualities.

easy to approach.

careful.

tentative."

You’ll also note that a lot of these unnervingly ambiguous observations focus on a girl’s presumed inability to cut loose and have some fun. They are designed, in other words, to eradicate anti-slut defenses and persuade her to open up... to you, the fearless judger of her feminine worth.

Pre-selection comes in many flavors. 

1. Be seen in the company of beautiful women.

2. Embed references to women in stories about yourself. 

3. Allude to competitor women attracted to you, but without bragging.

Classic D.H.V. – demonstration of higher value.

Don’t call back right away.

Never buy better gifts for her.

Dress better than her on random days.

Take frequent leaves of absence. Preferably international.

Drag your feet about introducing her to your friends and family.

Never give her spare keys to your place.

Don’t live together.

Subtly acknowledge other girls flirting with you.

Don’t ask questions about her.

Get drunk without her.

Cancel dates.

Show flashes of anger.

Occasionally be emotionally distant.

Muse wistfully about past lovers.

Never take her on dinner dates before you’ve had sex with her.

Never agree to meet her friends before you’ve had sex with her.

Never spend more than the price of a few high alcohol content drinks on her before you’ve had sex with her.

Never do her a favor before you’ve had sex with her.

Always try to get her to do you a favor before you’ve had sex with her. COMPLIANCE TESTS. These are the male version of shit tests.

Never introduce her to anyone you know before you’ve had sex with her, unless its former hot girlfriends or friends who happen to be hot girls.

When you receive texts and phone calls in her company, never tell her who they’re from.

Password protect EVERYTHING.

Do not have a Facebook profile. If you do, it is filled with pics of you and an assortment of hot chicks – No exceptions.

On the morning of a first or second date with her, send her this cryptic text message: “Change of plans.”

When at her place, eat all her food, leave the seat up, change her TV channels, and torture her cat. Act like it’s your second home.

Do all of the above and you will be a god to her.

When she sees you as a god, she is:

– less likely to stray.

– more likely to do anal.

– less likely to bitch and moan.

– more likely to wear lingerie every day of the week.

– less likely to dump or divorce you.

– more likely to forgive your cheating.

– less likely to make demands of you.

– more likely to cater to your needs.

Does that sound good to you?

“You’re very brave to come over to talk with me.”

***

“Your flirting is charming.”

***

“As we’re sitting here talking I can tell you seem really happy.”

***

“Wow! Don’t get too excited.”

***

“Hmm. Your hands are shaking.”

***

“Hope I didn’t make you wait too long.”

***

“Your answers tell me that you are drawn to men who break your heart.”

***

“You have a quirky personality. I have a friend -- he’s been single a while; I guess he’s picky -- who would totally get you.”

***

“You’re not like most women. You seem like you want to know about me more than you want to talk about yourself.”

***

“Your eyes are dancing.”

***

“I have a confession to make. I forgot your name.”

***

“A lot of girls in this city come on too strong with men. I’m glad you can talk with me without getting weird.”

***

“This is a pleasant surprise. You’re winning me over.”

***