Wreckoning

“It’s complicated.”

Commit it to memory and deploy liberally.

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GIRL: So are you dating anyone right now? 

YOU: It’s complicated.

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GIRL: Just how many girls have you been with? 

YOU: It’s complicated.

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GIRL: What are you looking for?

YOU: It’s complicated.

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GIRL: Will you buy me a drink?

YOU: It’s complicated.

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GIRL: You’re not going to try to stick it in my ass tonight, are you?

YOU: It’s complicated.

GIRL: *swoon*

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.....”

Man: “Wow....amazing...seriously, that’s amazing!”

Girl: “What? That I have a boyfriend?”

Man: “No, that I’ve barely known you for 5 minutes and you’re already telling me your problems.”

Girl: “l.m.a.o.!”

***

“Whoa, not so fast. We’re just talking here, ok? Don’t get the wrong idea.”

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“You really thought I was hitting on you?”

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“No worries. You’re not my type.”

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“So does my girlfriend.”

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Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

Man: “Hey, my dog can juggle.”

Girl: “What?”

Man: “I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about shit that didn’t matter.”

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“I don’t care.”

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“That’s OK, I’m not the jealous type.”

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“Your parents must be proud.” Same as above.

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“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed. I thought you were a lesbian.”

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“Are you allowed to talk to other men without his permission?”

Examples:

Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.

Snap wet towel at her butt.

Should just barely cross line of genuine pain.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Give her a wrapped box of condoms.

Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.

Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving.

Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.

Turn the light off or unplug her dryer when she’s doing her hair.

Pretend to throw her cat out the window.

A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.

Never miss a chance to turn a serious question into a glib answer.

Pretend to accidentally cut off your finger in the kitchen. Use gobs of ketchup.

Replace her cosmetics with crayons.

Put her panties on her cat. Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.

Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.

Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.

Pull weeds from the yard. Put them in a vase with a sincere love note attached. Act offended if she doesn’t swoon for your weeds. Keep up the pretense for weeks.

Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.

Walk around casually at home with your dick hanging out of your jeans crotch. Call her a perv for noticing.

Turn her shirts inside out.

Put a Baby Ruth in her shoe. “Omg, I think the cat pooped in your shoe.”

Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.

Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.

Warning.

Do not use on fat chicks. They may get the wrong idea.

***

GIRL: “What time is it?”

A good time.

GIRL: “You came in late today.”

Hard drug use.

GIRL: “Which way is it to X?”

You don’t seem like the kind of girl who’d go there.

GIRL: “How are you?”

Irresistible.

GIRL: “Could you watch my laptop for me for a minute?”

Ok, but close your porn windows first. I have a reputation.

GIRL: “What’d you think of movie X?”

All right... ready to hang on my every word?

GIRL: “Are you going to X's party this Friday?”

Yes. You can be happy now.

GIRL: “What do you do?”

You didn’t just ask that.

GIRL: in an elevator, “Could you press 4?”

This is just like in the movies!

GIRL: “My shift is ending soon. Can I close you out?”

Your flirting skills need work.

GIRL: “I think the coffee machine’s broken.”

Tried to put vodka in it again, didn’t ya?

GIRL: “Where’s your car?”

Tijuana.

GIRL: “That sounds like a good idea.”

Hey, it’s me!

GIRL: “It’s a really nice day today.”

Thanks!

GIRL: “That’s a cool hat.”

Flattery will get you everywhere.

GIRL: “Are you waiting in line?”

I’d better be. Otherwise I’m standing around looking good for nothing.

GIRL: “That’ll be $69.75.”

I bet you say that to all the guys.

Just kidding about that last one. Sort of.

***

Flirting with women ties into the whole alpha male philosophy of not taking girls seriously. Treating women’s idle politeness like a sounding board for you to amp up the sexual tension and remind your quarry that you are a highly libidinous, fleshy extension of your turgid cock is good for establishing proper and healthy male-female relations.

When you are flippant with women, they sense that you think you are better than them, and that turns them on. Women love a man who is better than them, but they will accept as a substitute a man who simply thinks he is better than them.

“Excuse me, I have to get to a meeting that’s going to change my life, but I think you’re gonna change it, too. Let me have your number, I’ll call you later and we’ll see if I’m right.”

***

I have a friend who brings his dog to the bar. Inevitably, girls come up, start playing with the dog, and say, “He’s so cute!” What does he say?

“I don’t think he likes you.”

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“It’s not really polite to stare at people like that.”

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“I’m afraid I’m going to have to hit on you. Damnit, this is the last thing I needed today.”

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“Excuse me, may I tell you something?”

Don’t wait for answer. “You were walking by just there with a reeeeeally serious expression on your face.”

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“YOU. Who ARE you?” - breaking rapport, accusing tone, as if she’s not supposed to be there doing whatever she’s doing.

“Oh, uhh, I’m Sally?”

“Well Sally, I saw you from across the room and had to come say hello. I think we’re going to have to have a million babies together.” “omg lol umm no thanks lol”

“Alright, then we’ll start with coffee instead.”

***

“Hey, how do I get to Place?”

“oh, umm I think it’s 2 blocks that way and then turn–”

“lol I don’t actually need directions. I just thought you were cute and wanted to come flirt with you. Who are you?” “omg lol ummm Sally omg”

“I haven’t seen you around here before Sally, you must be - insert cold reed, teasing, etc.”

***

“Hey, how do I get to Place?”

“oh, umm I think it’s 2 blocks that way and then turn–”

“It sounds like you’re just making that up.” Accusation/teasing.

“lol no I just–”

“If you don’t know, you can just say so. Why are you messing with poor lost strangers who just need help? You MONSTER.” teasing, accusing, cold-reading.

“omg!! lol no I’m not I was–”

“No, it’s too late, I hate you now. But I’m willing to let you make it up to me over drinks sometime. You free this weekend?” Push and pull, pushing for the close.

“well I have a boyfriend!”

“That’s okay. We’ll invite him too. Then you can give him made up directions so he gets lost and we can keep flirting.” Pushing for the close: “omg well we’re getting married...”

“Not after we have drinks you won’t be.” a.k.a. pushing for the close.

***

To clarify:

1. None of these lines will magically cause a woman to have sex with you. 

2. Lines like these are effective because they are better than the usual boring drivel and clumsy chit chat that most men resort to when meeting women.

3. A quasi-canned, ready-to-spit opener or opener routine encourages men to talk to women. 

NOT “pickup lines”:

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1. How would you react if your boyfriend gave you an ultimatum?

2. Why do girls check out other girls more than they check out guys?

...

4. You look like the type who would date a starving artist, but marry a doctor.

5. Let’s say you were dating this guy for a while, fell in love with him, and found out months later that he was broke. Would you break up with him?

6. Were you nervous the first time you tried on a bikini? My buddy said he was nervous when he first tried on a suit.

7. There was a study done recently that said that beautiful couples have more daughters and nerdy couples have more sons. Would you say your parents were beautiful or nerdy?

8. Who can keep a secret longer -- guys or girls?

9. Are the best lovers made or born?

...

12. Who has better fashion sense -- girls or gay guys?

13. You look like the type of girl who would leave a club if another girl was wearing the same shirt.

14. I’ve read that men get more jealous from sexual infidelity and women get more jealous from love infidelity. Which one bothers you more?

15. Do you guys believe in reincarnation? If it were true, what kind of person do you think you’d be in your next life? You - point at potential cockblock - ... you look like you’d be a CEO in your next life... and you - point at target - a ballet geek!

My advice to the naturally incurious man:

1. Find an equally incurious girl.

2. Push yourself out of your incurious comfort zone... For instance, instead of taking your girl out to dinner next Saturday like every other herbling, go indoor rock climbing with her. The ensuing rush - kept in check by safety ropes and belays - is nature’s perfect vaginal lube.

3. Learn to LISTEN. Women LOVE LOVE LOVE men who actually listen to them. Listening intently to a woman will make you seem like a curious man... You only need to remember a few keywords to feed back to a girl to wow her as a man who “gets it”.

4. Do new things if for no other reason than that it will give you material to use during a pickup.

5. Be unpredictable.

Curiosity is win-win for men.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the wittiest opener, or the smoothest delivery. If you open your mouth and say something as benign as “Hi” to thirty-eight attractive girls on a single Saturday, you will have rocketed yourself ahead of 99% of men who passed by those same girls and said nothing...

Now add in a little game. You’ve just hurdled 99.9% of men who pass by those girls without muttering a word on that typical, “boring” Saturday...

Opportunity is everywhere for those with the eyes to see.

THE ONLY ADVICE YOU’LL EVER NEED.

1. Chicks dig power.

2. Don’t date.

3. Never pay.

4. Play by your own rules.

5. He who hesitates, masturbates.

6. Better to pursue lots of women until you find one willing to go all the way right away than to waste a month on a tease.

7. Women want to be seduced.

8. Hot sexy babes want to fuck someone... why not you?

Don’t answer all of a girl’s questions, especially when it feels like you are being interrogated.

***

The best reason to learn game is that it is a shortcut to a woman’s pussy and heart.

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When the revelation that there is nothing after this life but the illimitable black void is grasped, hedonism is the only logical answer.

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Remember Maxim #14: Never Make It Easy For A Girl.

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Sometimes a girl will drop a stinky bait. Don’t bite! She wants to chase you around the lake forever.

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Never tell a girl you are looking for a relationship... Also, “Whoa, not so fast tiger!” can be funny and stimulating to her vagina.

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Slap your girl’s ass in public once in a while, hard.

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When you are with your girl and another alpha male is the center of attention, the best thing you can do is casually and briefly acknowledge his talents and otherwise ignore him.

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Remember Maxim #15: Your girl will thank you for your steadfast devotion to your belief in yourself.

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When your girl buys you something or gets you a present, don’t immediately buy her something in return... Tit-for-tat kills the sexy fun vibe.

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Speaking of gifts, the best players I know buy their girls NOTHING. And their girls love them with everything they have.

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As a birthday gift for your girl, a grape seed oil massage beats a tennis bracelet EVERY TIME.

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If you want to save money, doing things for a girl is always better than buying things for her.

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Fucking a girl right is worth more than a $20,000 engagement ring. I am not kidding.