You Can't Do That

"'Scenes From A Hat' ass." Shocking no one, Eva, Kelly, and Rave cheered as the Carolina Hurricanes stomped on Vegas (and Carter Hart) to win the Stanley Cup, and became fully Jarv-pilled in the process. Also on the docket: Dylan Larkin, PWHL roster supremacy, and - yep, it's that time again - the combine. This episode was recorded on June 16, 2026.

Timecodes: (4:07) Pool Without a Ladder | (9:37) Stanley Cup Finals | (44:41) Elsewhere in the NHL/PWHL

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"Matt! No!!" Is there a worse Cup Finals matchup for this particular podcast than Vegas vs. Carolina? Kelly, Eva, and Rave give this question the sincere deliberation it deserves…but not before checking in on several more compelling topics, including Team Finland, the Montreal Victoire, and Evgeni Malkin. This episode was recorded on June 2, 2026.

Timecodes: (3:06) Summer Camp Catalog | (18:07) Worlds & the PWHL | (41:45) The Stanley Cup Finals

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"Look how muscles he is." The second round of the playoffs has left Rave, Eva, and Kelly perturbed and disappointed tbqh!! Time to choose the lesser of several evils and check in on the relative villainy levels of Jakub Dobeš, John Tortorella, the PWHL's compliment sandwich, and the Canucks' new president(s) of hockey ops. This episode was recorded on May 19, 2026.

Timecodes: (3:22) Glory to the Whelk King | (11:02) Playoffs Round 2 | (46:50) Conf Finals | (1:04:00) Elsewhere in the NHL

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"It galls an old bitch." LLOFFS TIME. Eva, Kelly, and Rave eulogize the first-round fallen and make irresponsible predictions about what’s to come in their usual even-handed, well-informed, and anti-Vegas way. Plus: Kelly weighs in on the latest Leafs news from the suffocating darkness of Canucks Corner. This episode was recorded on May 7, 2026.

Timecodes: (4:36) Baseball Nickname Generator | (11:57) Playoffs Round 1 | (54:50) Playoffs Round 2 | (1:16:57) Elsewhere in the NHL

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"Go die with him!" Kelly, Eva, and Rave are serving up some piping hot copium about the retirement or non-retirement of our load-bearing Russian machine. Grab a glass, friends. Also on the docket: dragging the Leafs organization for filth in the public square, reminiscing about our early love for the Avs, and assessing the first-round playoffs matchups based on criteria we made up a second ago.This episode was recorded on April 15, 2026.

Timecodes: (5:56) Don't Let the Pigeon | (13:40) Caps chat | (20:20) Sid and Ovi...and Geno | (48:23) Playoffs preview | (1:06:30) Leafs exposé!

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"Exhausted AND fatigued." Alexander Ovechkin keeps breaking records but he's got more important things to worry about, and so do Rave, Kelly, and Eva. Things like: All our new Caps babies! And CHILIGATE. And organ transplants. This episode was recorded on March 28, 2026..

Timecodes: (5:06) Most Eligible Bachelors of Atchison, Kansas | (16:17) Caps chat | (53:33) Elsewhere in the NHL

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"Don't hang up!!" Eva, Rave, and Kelly have a lot to process about the fact that TWO load-bearing Washington Capitals were traded away for [what feels like] PENNIES on the dollar. Meanwhile, former Capital Radko Gudas is enemy #1 of the weary ghost of what used to be the Toronto Leafs. Maybe Ricky Rain Frog can cheer everyone up? This episode was recorded on March 15, 2026.

Timecodes: (7:15) Sympathy Weasel | (14:35) Caps chat | (55:04) Elsewhere in the NHL

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"Get PooCrave'd." Of all the dead wives in our motion pictures, Sidney Crosby is the most beautiful and powerful, and Kelly, Eva, and Rave have the funeral wreaths to prove it. But first: the good (PLD is BACK), the bad (the p*wer pl*y, always), and the ugly (Connor McDavid's humiliation ritual). This episode was recorded on March 1, 2026.

Timecodes: (3:41) Our Dead Wife Sidney Crosby
| (17:45) Caps chat | (36:35) Elsewhere in hockey

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"In-house orgies only." NHL hockey? We don't know her. It's Olympics time. Rave, Eva, and Kelly check in on how women's and men's hockey is progressing in Milan, with digressions on veneers, Hilary Knight's courtship, and Time For Kids (and other icons of the '90s). This episode was recorded on February 15, 2026.

Timecodes: (04:26) Olympics women's hockey | (35:32) Olympics men's hockey

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"Mean prudes." Eva, Kelly, and Rave may feel threatened by Nathan MacKinnon’s goal-scoring success but they're not letting it affect their enjoyment of the Caps' [checks notes] TWO consecutive wins last week, the beautiful tear falling down Sidney Crosby's cheek, or William Nylander's indefatigable bitchiness. There are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see, etc. This episode was recorded on February 1, 2026.

Timecodes: (3:52) Many Colored Flags | (9:58) Caps chat | (41:05) Elsewhere in the NHL

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