You Can't Do That

"A pious suitor for my eldest daughter." This is an episode filled with evil laughter, but to be fair to Eva, Kelly, and Rave, there are quite a lot of things worth laughing evilly about as the playoffs move into the second round. Points of interest include Kuzy's perpetual-motion hate machine, the battle of the Florida Mans, and the phrase "Sean Cody's little rascals." This episode was recorded on May 5, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (3:32) Inspire Me, Bro | (10:19 Capitals vs. Rangers | (20:52) Hurricanes vs. Islanders | (30:43) Panthers vs. Lightning | (37:59) Maple Leafs vs. Bruins | (1:00:10) Jets vs. Avalanche | (1:03:20) Golden Knights vs. Stars | (1:07:02) Oilers vs. Kings | (1:08:35) Canucks vs. Predators

"The pathos is upped." Check in on the playoffs' first round with Kelly, Eva, and Rave! Lots to contend with so far, including Kuzy gaslighting the Canes with a veneer of respectability, Caps messiness (fond), Canucks messiness (anxious), and sweet Mitchell Marner's exquisite suffering. This episode was recorded on April 27, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (3:12) Hurricanes vs. Islanders | (15:11) Golden Knights vs. Stars | (18:24) Capitals vs. Rangers | (28:42) Maple Leafs vs. Bruins | (42:56) Canucks vs. Predators | (52:12) Oilers vs. Kings | (53:23) Jets vs. Avalanche

It's the return of a YCDT tradition: Rave, Eva, and Kelly assess the Stanley Cup Playoffs round one matchups to determine the non-hockey games these teams should actually be playing based on their shared auras, histories, and hopes. To hear the rest of this bonus segment, support us on Patreon!

"Wienerpeg our way to the top." The Caps are teetering on the precipice of doing something SO hilarious. You may listen to this episode after their fate has been sealed - if so, please enjoy this snapshot of Eva, Rave, and Kelly's mental and emotional state in the before times. Also on the ol' outline this week: uncrunchable Nicke, calm collected Cooley, the Yotes' no good very bad ownership, and an ode to scholar-author Lexi LaFleur Brown. This episode was recorded on April 14, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (1:56) Bad Apples | (11:48) Caps chat | (48:38) Elsewhere in the NHL

"He meant what he yelled." Our Washington Capitals remain too stupid to realize that they are dead and Kelly, Rave, and Eva are delighted! What a time we're all having! Topics for discussion include TJ's 1000th, the Pens' existential dread, Kuzy's new nest, Torts' hissy fit, the Larkin-less Red Wings, and a funky little Pittsburgh mystery. This episode was recorded on March 17, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (2:05) League Library | (17:05) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Who to the core." Much occurred while this pod was fighting off illness, so Rave, Kelly, and Eva roll up their sleeves to tackle an agenda that includes the half-life of cocaine, Ted's big fail, Auston's golf...pod?, the Tampa yakuza, and the brief but appreciated heroism of Anthony Manthony. And in the distance, the trade deadline looms...This episode was recorded on March 3, 2024.

Further reading: ”Team Turmoil: A Mystery Owner, Squabbling Management, A Nine-figure Debt And A Rotten Record Have Put The Tampa Bay Lightning, Probably The Worst-run Franchise In Sports, On The Brink Of Ruin” by Lester Munson for Sports Illustrated, March 1998

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (3:11) Good Art vs. Bad Art | (11:03) Caps chat | (43:26) Elsewhere in the NHL

"We have sparkling water money on the line." There's a lot about this year's All Star weekend for Eva, Kelly, and Rave to analyze, including Brock Boeser's "Favorite Boy" award, Kuch's boos, Michael Buble's drug experience, and...those player portraits. You know the ones. Also: Ovi's got his groove back; odes to discontinued jerseys; and an update from Kelly's Canucks corner. This episode was recorded on February 11, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (2:57) Bug Fixes | (10:10) All Star weekend | (46:01) Caps chat | (1:03:15) Elsewhere in the NHL

"The Amazing...Unlawful Confinement." Did you know that like our Washington Capitals, YCDT has a fun little freak tunnel of our own? Kelly, Eva, and Rave are having a grand ol' time in there. Coaching trends are getting analyzed, forcibly-separated bonded pairs are being mourned, improvements to the All Star Game are being suggested (AGAIN. FOREVER). Come hang in the freak tunnel with us!! This episode was recorded on January 18, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (4:05) HIRE US, NHL ALL-STAR GAME | (18:49) Elsewhere in the NHL

"It's bad pedagogy." It's a new year! But like the Washington Capitals, this pod is back on its traditional and beloved bullshit. And we've lots to discuss, including Ethan Bear, the Pens-Caps nursing home derby, leech fears, the return of Dima, hot mic vendettas, broken jaws, classiness, and whether or not we want Dylan Strome to face Connor McDavid at the ASG in front of god and everyone so we can study his micro-expressions in gif form. (Opinion is, in fact, divided.) This episode was recorded on January 7, 2024.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (3:46) Matchmaker | (14:26) Caps chat |(49:10) Elsewhere in the NHL

"No more Kuzy sauce in the pasta room." The Caps are frolicking through this season with a buoyancy that Eva, Rave, and Kelly cannot help but be charmed by: Kuzy sauce? Tom trick? Dallas slut-ery?? C'mon, we're only human. Also on the agenda: hunting for Bear, Jacob Trouba's artistic explorations, Chicago and Detroit warring for Eva's heart, Rod's angry Bod, the Flyers renaissance, and MONEY MONEY MONEY. And WAGs. This episode was recorded on December 10, 2023.

Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey, get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat, and find merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (2:19) He Got That Horse In Him | (8:08) Caps chat | (34:33) Elsewhere in the NHL | (47:26) WAGs sidebar | (57:25) Elsewhere, continued