"REEKS of Barzal." Eva, Kelly, and Rave welcome you to 2023 in all its cringe splendor! In addition to the Caps' week of foreplay leading up to Nicke and Tom's one-goal return game, we saw Trevor Zegras shoplifting sticks mid-shift, Jordan Eberle penning an earnest ode to Islanders hockey, AND the Bruins doing the absolute most for the Winter Classic. Can everyone please calm down. This episode was recorded on January 9, 2023.

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Timecodes: (02:41) Arranged Marriage UK | (14:21) #ALLCAPS | (46:33) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Canadian Hogwarts. For clowns." A certain brick-shithouse-built Russian has been busy this month making history or whatever, so Eva, Rave, and Kelly are ready to wrap up 2022 with their own contributions to the hockey canon, namely: jokes, jabs, and japes. This episode was recorded on December 28, 2022.

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Timecodes: (2:46) We’re All In Hell | (11:14) #ALLCAPS | (47:14) Elsewhere in the NHL

"...and a Ziploc full of old bones." It's the week before winter break. How you holdin' up? Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the near-dead Capitals, the actually dead Avs, the adventure-bound Wild, and our various plans and schemes to keep these NHLers entertained until the final bell rings to signal the start of vacay. Pray for us. This episode was recorded on December 11, 2022..

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Timecodes: (03:36) #ALLCAPS | (27:25) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:06:28) Winter Break

"Un-thwartable." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are hurtling headfirst toward the holiday season (read: acquainting themselves with this year's Goop Gift Guide). Plus: distinct kicking motions discourse, a whole week of Geno-versaries, and a reminder that we were HAPPY to let our baby goalies go, actually, because we LOVE them and wanted them to THRIVE. So. This episode was recorded on November 27, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Timecodes: (3:26) A Very Hockey Goopsmas | (21:57) #ALLCAPS | (57:01) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Go to therapy, Bowser." Our Washington Capitals are delivering comedy, tragedy, and injury, but hockey continues to be none of the screaming eagle's goddamn business. Also on Eva, Rave, and Kelly's docket this week: windbreakers, Dylan vs. Connor, the purple prose of Josh Yohe, and the hockey team of Genovia. This episode was recorded on November 17, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
Yohe: As the Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin rivalry nears its end, it still matters (The Athletic, November 2022)

Timecodes: (03:47) T-Shirt Dress Up | (08:47) #ALLCAPS | (49:09) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:01:23) International Relations

"A middle school play called 'The Locker Room.'" Low expectations have the NHL standings looking like Opposite Day, but one thing Rave, Eva, and Kelly can depend on is applying astrological fixes to team morale problems. And maybe throwing in a lovable cranky iron man for good measure. This episode was recorded on October 30, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
How Phil Kessel - of all players - got to the brink of becoming the ironman (theScore, October 2022)

Timecodes: (2:47) Who Is Good? | (13:22) #ALLCAPS | (37:05) Elsewhere in the NHL

"We've betrayed our live organist." Sometimes being an adult means looking a reporter dead in the eye to answer “No” when asked if your team has any redeeming qualities. Other times, it means casting hockey players in flirty sexy spooky Halloween horror movie scenarios. But no matter what, being an adult means positioning your dumpster fire so that it doesn’t spread to other dumpsters - and by that metric, Kelly, Eva, and Rave are grown as hell. This episode was recorded on October 16, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
NHL Hope-O-Meter: Ranking fans’ optimism for all 32 teams (The Athletic, October 2022)

Timecodes: (05:22) #ALLCAPS | (27:29) Elsewhere in the NHL | (01:10:27) Casting Couch: Spooky Season

"Extant bitches will thrive." Like TJ Oshie introducing Dylan Strome to the Caps polycule, Eva, Kelly, and Rave are re-introducing each other to the hot goss from the NHL offseason. (But not the Avs' Cup celebrations, because like the Avs, once we get started on that one we're not gonna stop.) Plus: Divining what's in store for a few teams based on classic novel plotlines. This episode was recorded on October 2, 2022.

Listen to an extended version of the Novel Plots game (and support us!) on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that.

Bonus reading:
Inside the Capitals’ locker room: Who sits where? How did they end up there? (The Athletic, September 2022)

Drama Behind Scenes With Jets Is a Bigger Problem Than Most Realize (NHL Trade Talk, May 2022)

Report: Patrik Laine Revealed Reason for Leaving Winnipeg - Rude Treatment in Locker Room (NoVa Caps, January 2021)

Timecodes: (3:00) Capitals check-in | (25:21) The Kraken’s mascot | (32:30) We need to talk about Winnipeg | (46:22) Recent retirees | (55:00) Additional thoughts: Caps’ rookies, Eva’s Red Wings, Geno’s hot bitch summer | (1:04:20) Novel Plots

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"Sailor suited to high heaven." The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, and what a Stanley Cup win it was. Eva, Kelly, and Rave recap Games 2-6 and the team's deeply compelling narratives in all the sumptuous detail they deserve. This episode was recorded on June 29, 2022.

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Timecodes: (02:47) Animal Husbandry | (12:19) SCF: Game 2 | (17:59) Games 3 & 4 | (29:08) Games 5 & 6 | (1:11:21) Elsewhere in the NHL