"...and a Ziploc full of old bones." It's the week before winter break. How you holdin' up? Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the near-dead Capitals, the actually dead Avs, the adventure-bound Wild, and our various plans and schemes to keep these NHLers entertained until the final bell rings to signal the start of vacay. Pray for us. This episode was recorded on December 11, 2022..

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Timecodes: (03:36) #ALLCAPS | (27:25) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:06:28) Winter Break

"Un-thwartable." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are hurtling headfirst toward the holiday season (read: acquainting themselves with this year's Goop Gift Guide). Plus: distinct kicking motions discourse, a whole week of Geno-versaries, and a reminder that we were HAPPY to let our baby goalies go, actually, because we LOVE them and wanted them to THRIVE. So. This episode was recorded on November 27, 2022.

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Timecodes: (3:26) A Very Hockey Goopsmas | (21:57) #ALLCAPS | (57:01) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Go to therapy, Bowser." Our Washington Capitals are delivering comedy, tragedy, and injury, but hockey continues to be none of the screaming eagle's goddamn business. Also on Eva, Rave, and Kelly's docket this week: windbreakers, Dylan vs. Connor, the purple prose of Josh Yohe, and the hockey team of Genovia. This episode was recorded on November 17, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
Yohe: As the Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin rivalry nears its end, it still matters (The Athletic, November 2022)

Timecodes: (03:47) T-Shirt Dress Up | (08:47) #ALLCAPS | (49:09) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:01:23) International Relations

"A middle school play called 'The Locker Room.'" Low expectations have the NHL standings looking like Opposite Day, but one thing Rave, Eva, and Kelly can depend on is applying astrological fixes to team morale problems. And maybe throwing in a lovable cranky iron man for good measure. This episode was recorded on October 30, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
How Phil Kessel - of all players - got to the brink of becoming the ironman (theScore, October 2022)

Timecodes: (2:47) Who Is Good? | (13:22) #ALLCAPS | (37:05) Elsewhere in the NHL

"We've betrayed our live organist." Sometimes being an adult means looking a reporter dead in the eye to answer “No” when asked if your team has any redeeming qualities. Other times, it means casting hockey players in flirty sexy spooky Halloween horror movie scenarios. But no matter what, being an adult means positioning your dumpster fire so that it doesn’t spread to other dumpsters - and by that metric, Kelly, Eva, and Rave are grown as hell. This episode was recorded on October 16, 2022.

Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that! Thanks. We love you.

Bonus reading:
NHL Hope-O-Meter: Ranking fans’ optimism for all 32 teams (The Athletic, October 2022)

Timecodes: (05:22) #ALLCAPS | (27:29) Elsewhere in the NHL | (01:10:27) Casting Couch: Spooky Season

"Extant bitches will thrive." Like TJ Oshie introducing Dylan Strome to the Caps polycule, Eva, Kelly, and Rave are re-introducing each other to the hot goss from the NHL offseason. (But not the Avs' Cup celebrations, because like the Avs, once we get started on that one we're not gonna stop.) Plus: Divining what's in store for a few teams based on classic novel plotlines. This episode was recorded on October 2, 2022.

Listen to an extended version of the Novel Plots game (and support us!) on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that.

Bonus reading:
Inside the Capitals’ locker room: Who sits where? How did they end up there? (The Athletic, September 2022)

Drama Behind Scenes With Jets Is a Bigger Problem Than Most Realize (NHL Trade Talk, May 2022)

Report: Patrik Laine Revealed Reason for Leaving Winnipeg - Rude Treatment in Locker Room (NoVa Caps, January 2021)

Timecodes: (3:00) Capitals check-in | (25:21) The Kraken’s mascot | (32:30) We need to talk about Winnipeg | (46:22) Recent retirees | (55:00) Additional thoughts: Caps’ rookies, Eva’s Red Wings, Geno’s hot bitch summer | (1:04:20) Novel Plots

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"Sailor suited to high heaven." The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, and what a Stanley Cup win it was. Eva, Kelly, and Rave recap Games 2-6 and the team's deeply compelling narratives in all the sumptuous detail they deserve. This episode was recorded on June 29, 2022.

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Timecodes: (02:47) Animal Husbandry | (12:19) SCF: Game 2 | (17:59) Games 3 & 4 | (29:08) Games 5 & 6 | (1:11:21) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Swarovski Pwingy." Our dear Professor Kelly is back atop the host's throne to lead Rave and Eva through the latest in Stanley Cup catfighting (affectionate) and updates from the NHL coach swap meet. This episode was recorded on June 16, 2022.

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Timecodes: (02:30) Rangers, Avs, etc. | (37:41) Final: Game 1 | (46:07) Hockstrology | (1:06:06) Elsewhere in the NHL

"Why do you even HAVE that cursed amulet??" Rave and Eva (with cameos from Kelly!) recap a week full of meetings: the Oilers met the end of the line, NHL coaches met a buncha new boys at the combine, Hockey Twitter met the Sex Spreadsheet, and Rave met medical marijuana. You can imagine the shenanigans that ensued. This episode was recorded on June 7, 2022.

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Timecodes: (03:29) Absolutely Pompoozled | (15:03) Avs-Oilers | (41:05) Rangers-Lightning | (47:46) Elsewhere in the NHL | (1:01:12) The Sex Spreadsheet