You Look Nice Today

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama.

Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried.

Then, one night, we heard a cricket.

Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth.

So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California.

Also, we are out of money.

Links:

• California King

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.

Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™.

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:

SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!

SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?

SCAT: Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop!

SCAT: Bomp…zeep…bomp.

SCAT: Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp?

SCAT: Salt PEE nutz!

As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.

So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation.

But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers.

In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you never actually requested.

Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™!

Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012!

Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Panels, Super-Panels, Breakout Sessions, Birds-of-a-Feathers, Hands-On Demonstrations, and Interactive Receptionettes that will lavish you with a literal bag of pro-active informational materials that you can cuddle with…today!

You will learn about:

Register TODAY!

Early Bird Registration: 10 Wampum.

Platinum Sponsors: MeeBow®, Nostalgex®, CDrivers®, NRG Hookerz!®, and Sandy's Fancy Dance-A-Tron®.

Listen. It’s actually very simple.

When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income.

Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most tired franchise.

Mazel Tov!

Also: what’s your theme song; Adam the lion; cloggin’ a drain; seeing yourself in a mirror; grits etc.; Burt Reynolds; peeing on Car 17; splashing is not drowning; pool chairs for everyone bro; browsing TV Guide; Robin Hood of chaises; an original Playstation; The Meerkats and the Laundry Bag; nipples in a crawlspace; ask Quora; the sausage sweats.

TO: Paul Polman, CEO

Dear Mr. Polman,

I hope you can help me.

You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me.

I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years.

Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce.

More specifically, I love to have sex with your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce.

Yes, I am a salsaphile—someone who is stimulated by tomato-based sauces or purées. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR (psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times.

For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine purée and creamy balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were free to begin the next stage of our life together.

Then, disaster.

Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed. The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce staring back up at me.

You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo” with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints from many different people who are definitely not me.

Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once loved so much.

Best regards,

Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz.

Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff; Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash; Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel; generics.