Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership!

Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000.

Very nice!

[silence]

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500!

[silence]

Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries—from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice.

[silence]

You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice.

[silence]

$23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you.

[silence]

No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend!

[silence]

Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!!

Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice.

[silence]

I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice.

[silence]

Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes.

[silence]

Very nice, my friend.

Very. Very. Nice.

[silence]

Thieving Threesome Nabbed

(California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416.

“This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some kind of extremely roomy jumpsuit.”

Also strange, he said, were the items they attempted to steal. A partial list:

One witness, who asked not to be identified, had an up-close view of the incident: “I don’t know how they thought they’d get out of there with all that stuff,” she said. “Sure, they tried to cram some of it into their jumpsuits, but it was just spilling out of their clothes. They walked past the security guard just as nonchalant as can be, making eye contact, smiling and nodding as if they had nothing to hide. And if the store alarm hadn’t gone off, they might have gotten away with it, too.”

The three say they were obtaining supplies for their group’s annual “Doin’ It for the Kids” celebration, in which pediatric burn victims compete in a series of events for the coveted “Gelly” award.

Sources inside the group revealed that the Gellies Local 416 chapter has been struggling financially for years.

Also: Simpson’s Speculation vs. Lisagor’s Constant, the red cloud button, stem of a snifter, the Full Rooney, whiskey for the house, haha that wine label made me laugh just kidding it’s the worst, bodegalier, preemptive delivery service, Adam’s other apartment, don’t really ever wink ever, buddy waiter, guilty innocence, Advil snatch, just to feel something, anything, friendship union, The Tilders, play that back in Latin, a fez and a tiny car, Knights of Caesar, blast that window.

Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward.

The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer

Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear!

First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, pressed, steamed, folded, blocked, shanty-towned, gathered, pinned, stapled, re-steamed, cobblered, new-jacked, and–yes–packed.

To help you get your own Summer bag rolling in style, take a minute to inventory your way through our indispensable You Look Nice Today Packing List:

Best of luck, have a terrific Summer, and try not to let your legs explode.

Imagine it….

We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know.

To honor that love, we worked with a team of chefs to create signature sushi rolls for each of us. First, we went to Japan and found some masters of the form. Then we taught them English and made them listen to all of our shows, over and over, until they had distilled the essence of each of us into a roll.

Here they are—invite your friends over for a YLNT Sushi Night sometime soon.

The Merlin Roll: copy of Cheri magazine (June 1978), Hüsker Dü T-shirt, mayonnaise.

The Scott Roll: pantyhose, glossy photograph of Harry Anderson, mayonnaise.

The Adam Roll: nunchucks, B♭dim7 chord, mayonnaise.

Also: Sushi DMV, pupu platter, Tuna Corn Mayonnaise, kiwanis roll, the Andrew Jackson with extra hickory, two types of foreigner, $50 squid, lobster drag, dinner theater, is it vegetarian if she throws it away, Tevas, “My mussel’s name is Sandy,” ma, the jute chewers, churn for a living, Andie MacDowell and a Sofia Mini.

Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales.

It’s a start.

“Baby City”

Also: No thanks twins, Paregoric, Whaddaburger, Pacific Rims, airplane cures, can you pause it, toy robot, the miracle of childbirth, tubs, dilation-related study materials, music jokes.

We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it.

This episode is about friendship. (And some other stuff. Well, mostly other stuff.)

We never would have had the chance to make this if it weren’t for our friend Jesse Thorn—the brains, gumption, and do-juice behind MaxFunCon. So Jesse, this episode is for you. Throughout the month of May, whenever we make number three, we’ll be thinking only of you.

(Please note: this is the show that Jad Abumrad was at, and he totally laughed.)

One last note: print this out & show us your Winston face for 15% off your first Maraschino Isopropyl at Mommy Needs a Minute. Look for a franchise opening soon, in your kitchen, as soon as I find that corkscrew…

Black and white photos by Jon Deal.

Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction

Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M.

Auction With Reserve Will Be Conducted By:

Notice:

Summary:

Sellers are forced, after years of negative cash flow, to liquidate their storage locker as a condition of their bankruptcy claim. Sellers identify themselves as “We Look Nice,” an internet group. Items for sale include memorabilia and other items related to the sellers’ childhoods, including:

• Butterfly knives

PAYMENT MAY BE MADE IN THE FORM OF DOLLARS, YUAN, FLOOZ, OR COMPLIMENTS THAT SOUND LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SELLERS, THEY’RE STILL PRETTY SAD ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING

Photo: Boxed-in, by patries71

Subject: #1228743 “Mann”

Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is Subject’s 12th separate application to the Board in just the past 2 years.

No signs of progress.

Pictured, above, is Subject’s self-declared “Summer Transformation.” No comment is required other than to note the outfit, which includes a web belt, painter’s pants, fake Adidas “four-striper” sneakers, a Dallas Cowboys T-shirt, and, tragically, Mork suspenders.

It is the recommendation of this Coolness Officer that Subject be allowed to re-apply to the Board not less then two (2) years from now, or after the cessation of puberty, whichever is soonest.

APPLICATION STATUS: DENIED (UNCOOL)

ASSOCIATED MEDIA:

cyber goth dreads

PHOTOS:
Merlin Mann (top), Wikia (bottom)