Your Kickstarter Sucks

Imagine opening up the newspaper, flipping past the Coca-Cola stock ticker, Marmaduke and the blurbs about all the people who croaked this week, and finding tucked away in the bottom corner the answers to all life’s most pertinent questions. What’s my destiny? Will I find true love? Am I a good person? What numbers should I play on the Powerball? Well, plenty of people do think you can do just that. And who am I to say otherwise? Well, actually, I’m a Sagittarius – which is the best type of guy you can be. On today’s show we’re talking all about our astrology fuckstyles, autonomous food, celebrity hypnotherapists, and all kinds of other stuff that’s, well, fake but still fun. Plus a fan type that promises to threaten the Lasko Throne. It’s another crazy YKS so let’s just all listen to it right now! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium also answers some of life’s big questions: where can I get more YKS, is there any more YKS, do the YKS guys do any other shows or stuff, how can I get rid of $5? Next month: Miketober Returns. And who’s to say what’s after that, other than the nation’s top psychics and seers?  You should sign up just in case it’s good though. 

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

Mint Mobile - Big Wireless means Big Bills. And if you’re anything like me, you like your Bills small so you can squish ‘em under your schtinky feet! Let’s put a hurting on those out of control device installment plans, data overages, and FEES with Mint Mobile, where just $15 a month gets you a fully unlimited plan! Wow! Dial em up at MintMobile.com/YKS

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Aliens spotted in Mexico! AI run amok! Weird church guys have their own dating app! It’s Monday morning in America, and these are today’s headlines. Okay I actually just looked at today’s headlines and they’re mostly about Drew Barrymore’s morning show. So we’ll probably get into that on today’s show, as well as Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez appearing in adorable new BFF selfies…very nice! 

Plus we’ve got a tabletop game project so strange that we don’t just look the other way when walking past the guy talking about it, a peanut butter device for true peanut butter freaks, and economic justice. Basically a bunch of crap. That’s what you like, right? Well there’s plenty of it. So download the show and then listen to it on your phone speaker while taking public transit. That’s The YKS Way! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Want more YKS? Then you need YKS Premium. Nuff said. Actually I would also say that there’s hundreds of hours of bonus YKS, and it’s all yours and all ad free. And our best month of the year is coming up, chock full of fabulous guests. And it’s a great way to support the perfect guys who make the show you love more than anything. And what if a mysterious old crone appeared to you in a dream to say you should listen to it? YKS Premium. Nuff said. 

This episode is brought to you by these fine brands:

Factor - “I did everything right. And they eated me!” - My meals. Calorie smart, keto, Vegan, Protein+, Factor’s got something for everyone. And me? I greedily lap it up. Check it out for yourself, and it couldn’t be simpler. Get 50% off with code YKS50 at Factor.com/YKS50 

Athletic Greens - Travel’s coming up! I guess just for me, but plenty of other people will be flying around too. I can only hope that they’ve taken their AG1 and Vitamin D, as I will have. What a way to start the day, even if it’s 3am and I’m standing in a big long line! We’re all smiling in the line, thanks to AG1. Get a free 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at athleticgreens.com/yks

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey! Put down your phone! And put down the other thing that might be in your hand right now! It’s time for another YKS! On today’s program, we’re discovering the intricacies of language, exploring many new and exciting beverage options, and, yes, talking about whacking off. Plus, we’ve got a really cool way to keep peepee off your potty, champagne that even losers can enjoy, and some good old fashioned snake oil. And I’m not talking about that other kind of snake oil! Oh brother! Just enjoy the show…

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! The place for all demons in a tube! Last week we checked out what some of our friends in the church are doing with all the money we’ve been sending their way, and the results are kind of not too good if we’re being honest! This week, we’ll be joined by our even more satanic friends Libby Watson and Pat Gill to discuss the mysteries beyond the stars and plains…UFO Cowboys!

This week’s YKS is sponsored by these fine brands:

Factor - I love my meals, and yours! Because I know they’re all from Factor, the place that will send you food in the mail that’s good to eat. Now normally the mail is where you get letters and junk, but not anymore! Factor has reinvigorated an American institution and also will send you a chicken burrito bowl. That’s what’s up. Go to FactorMeals.com/yks50 and use code yks50 to get 50% off your order

NordVPN - EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/yks Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee!

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And it’s orange!!! No, I’m not talking about the former Mister Diet Coke In Chief, but rather some kind of stupid little fuckin thing you plug into your phone (???) And it Helps You. By letting you call someone else. If they’re, like, super close. Okee doke!! On today’s program, we are changing social media (if our other ideas don’t work out or make sense), drinking some stuff out of a mug (no handles, convenient), and planting some flowers (on the ceiling, hell yeah!) That would be more than enough for one show, but we saw fit to do approximately 3 more things I think. And knowing us…that’s just the beginning. Well hopefully you have enjoyed this episode description as much as I have enjoyed writing it. And oh yeah, there’s a whole show to listen to as well! Not as good as this of course. But still, not too bad. Well, now I need to go to the bathroom. 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium. Buy It. Hear It. Love It. At patreon.com/yourkickstartersucks

This week’s episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands:

Athletic Greens - Yes I’m traveling, and yes I need my damn Vitamins! And I wouldn’t dare do either, without Athletic Greens. Get 5 free travel packs and 1 year supply of Vitamin D at athleticgreens.com/yks

HelloFresh - Why not eat the food if it’s hot and you like it? With HelloFresh, it’s Hot, it’s Fresh, and It’s All Up To You. Go to hellofresh.com/50yourkickstartersucks and use code 50yourkickstartersucks for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months!

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey there! Have ya heard bout Nowee? And the great Fluuhhd? Wale, we’re talkin’ about that today a little bit, and of course those dang ol’ iPods too. Plus, we’re innovating wallet technology back to the early 2000s, kissing our birds, flipping wallet chains with CIA guys, and of course, rocking out! Tell your pappy, it’s a new episode of YKS! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium…a place you can go to whenever you close your eyes, randomly type in the 9 or 10 or whatever digits of some credit card number, and press enter! For more episodes of YKS, access to the Discord, and much more, sign up today! And that will presumably fix some problems we are all having (??)

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands:

Mint Mobile - Ring ring…it’s time for savings! Ring ring was the sound of your alarm going off, not the phone ringing. You’re one of those people who has their alarm sound like a phone ringing. You definitely march to the beat of your own drummer. But hell, so does Mint Mobile. To get your new unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, go to MintMobile.com/YKS

Fast Growing Trees - If I am being perfectly honest, when I search my heart and hold nothing back, I realize that Slow Growing Trees would have been fine with me. But thank goodness my small mindedness didn’t stop the audacious crew of Fast Growing Trees. My flowerbeds have you to thank. To get FIFTEEN PERCENT OFF your entire order, go to FastGrowingTrees.com/YKS

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Old Navy slammed my debit card! That’s just one non-sequitur featuring a name of a company we have no relationship with, which will nevertheless be auto-populated as a sponsor on dogshit AI websites around the net. Here’s some more: Linus Tech Tips, Husqvarna, and the government of the People’s Republic of China. Let’s see what kinda discount code we can cook up with that. On today’s show, our very own Mike goes Spooky Boy mode, we learn a lot from Motivational Speaker Instagram Bald, and we fire everyone who works for us and doesn’t have a six pack (doesn’t apply to co-owners). Plus, we’re membering stuff, tracking our, uh, treasures, and proving the existence of psychic abilities once and for all, with Google Docs. You can hear all that and more by grabbing our RSS feed, asserting a relationship with us, and becoming unresponsive to emails – right now – on an all-new YKS!

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium is where you’re gonna wanna go for more YKS, if you’re into that sort of thing. Beach Party, Jessuary, Miketober, and of course all the episodes where we literally have no idea what we are doing and just sort of flail around for an hour (those are our most popular ones) await you! 

This episode of YKS is brought to you by these fine sponsors:

Factor - “Hell, I could eat”. We’ve all said it. But when the rubber meets the road, sometimes we have a hard time figuring out what, exactly, it is we are supposed to slug down! Well that’s why Factor got invented: It’s food that you eat! Why not, if it’s hot and you like it? Get 50% off your order at Factormeals.com/yks50

Athletic Greens - Yooooooo!! I love taking AG1 in the AM. And that’s a fun mnemonic device to remember it as well, which I’m throwing in for free. Get 5 free travel packs and 1 year of Vitamin D, which many are saying is “the goated vitamin”, at AthleticGreens.com/YKS

NordVPN - EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/yks Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee!

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

YKS 3:16 says I just downloaded your ass! I forgot to say that in the episode so putting it here will poopsimply have to do. On today’s show, we’re joining Club Cool with Jukebox Ron and sending a  tribute to J. Lo. Plus we got a coffee product that somehow is not intended for everyone on Earth to drink, a probably-illegal brain scam, some guys who would fall for a brain scam, a Christian TV show so bad I don’t think even Christians would watch it, and more. It is at this point that I catch a couple of seltzer cans out of the air, crack them open, pour them all over my head, and kick Producer Dan right in the belly. I have won the title, and am the Big Champion of Whatever. A crazed fan slides into the studio and attempts to remove my jean shorts before being tackled by DB in a clown suit. It’s just another day taping YKS. 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! That’s basically where we live. Come and say hello to us, and give us a small treat. In return we may perform one of our famous tricks (having a great guest like Kevin Banner on, or sitting there going “uhhh” until one of us remembers a joke we heard in 1st grade). $5 a month for all that, and we won’t even charge you tax (actually I do think it charges you tax).  

This episode of YKS is brought to you by these fine brands:

HelloFresh - In the old days, having some guy come by and toss a big thing of spaghetti carbonara on your front porch would mean you pissed off the wrong neighbors. But now it means you’ve got delicious, nutritious meals from HelloFresh waiting to get cooked up and eaten! So get with the times and sign up today – Get 50% off plus free shipping at hellofresh.com/50yourkickstartersucks with that classic code, 50yourkickstartersucks

FastGrowingTrees - Plants…who needs ‘em, right? Well, wrong. The Earth needs them, and luckily I’ve got a plan. I’m going to go get the plants that are right for my zone, tap some experts for help in taking care of them, and then, oh yeah, breathe in some of that wonderful element known as oxygen. But first, I’m gonna save a little money….Get 15% off at fastgrowingtrees.com/yks

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Would you like to play a game? As kids, we sure did! But you’ll be surprised to learn that Mike and I grew up a little bit differently. Smirk. I’m so inexperienced in classic gaming I thought Escape From Monkey Island was a Jane Goodall biopic. But I digress. On today’s show, Producer Dan poops in a Gatorade bottle (just seeing if he reads these), we confirm the existence of a freaky mail carrier, and we move to Ireland to avoid income tax. Plus, we’re keeping our Altoids safe on the beach (coulda used that last month!), we’re picking up puke, and we’re finally revisiting the amazing world of South Park. I wonder what they’d say if they were still producing episodes today! Ah! Probably something like “My pronouns are Cartman.” I have now been hired for the show. Enjoy.

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Well, folks, we had one hell of a month on YKS Premium. We were joined by Stuart and Dan from The Flophouse, Will Menaker, Charles, Alex, and Andrew from E1, and Zach Cherry for a month of roughly beach-adjacent films and some very roughly recorded parody songs. And this month presents a brand new challenge: how to STOP talking about the beach! Wish us some good luck and nab the archive of hundreds of similarly themed episodes at Patreon.com/yourkickstartersucks. 

This week’s episode of YKS is brought to you by these fine brands: 

Factor - When it comes to this time of year, my mind always wanders to one thing: meals. And cooking them in just 2 minutes or less. Luckily, our friends at Factor have figured out a way to combine these twin loves. All you have to do is ask, “Would I like to live deliciously?” If so, Use code yks50 at FACTOR MEALS.com/yks50 to get 50% off!

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Athletic Greens - Vitamins are so good to have, but my problem with them is often having to slurp down some kind of nasty goo or choke on a fist-sized pill. Well fear no more because Athletic Greens has concocted a delicious tropical beverage that has more nutrients in it than I could honestly ever name. Which is why I love to Get a 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at athleticgreens.com/yks

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey free coffee…want any? Yeah, it does suck! Thanks for letting us use this in our commercial!! ← Do you think this scenario could really happen? Well, the boys at YKS don’t, and that’s why they came out with Episode 314 of the program, and not any other contractual, financial, or sheer inertia-based reasons! On today’s show we’re doing a very short and unsatisfying investigation into how fruit flies pork each other, and yes of course buttwiping technology returns as a focal point of the conversation as well. Plus we’re talking old man hobbies, kissing the computer, and rats with PTSD. Do YOU think you can take down the evil Dr. Divisor with your power of exponent multiplicity? Then put it to the test…it’s an all-new YKS!

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! THAT’S what I wanted to talk about. On last Friday’s YKS Premium, we went out to the…movies! In the middle of a movie month?!! Yep, we’re just that crazy. But there was no better way to introduce our newest series, Limited Engagement, where we see the stuff even the movie theater isn’t that excited about. Plus we ate some crap you wouldn’t feed a dog. Next week, we conclude Beach Party 2 with a “radical” throwback…Point Break (one of em)! 

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands

Athletic Greens - Vitamins are sooooo good. But everyone wants to eat them. I say drink them, and get some adaptogens to boot! A slightly tropical flavor is just icing on the cake. Get 5 free travel packs and a year supply of Vitamin D at AthleticGreens.com/YKS.

Fast Growing Trees - Ferns. Apple Tree. Olive…branch? Those are just some of the wonderful things that grow on this earth, and doubtless also things I could kill without expert support and guidance. That’s where Fast Growing Trees comes in. So, let’s all put some stuff in the ground, in the good way! Get 15% off your order at FastGrowingTrees.com/YKS.

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Opening up a recent issue of Business Touch Magazine to see if there are any weird and slightly paranoid guys selling a 75 year old piece of equipment I could shock myself with, and ah! What’s this! A big heavy thing my friends can roast me over? Well, well well, I do believe I have hit the **ZAP**....jackpot.

I’m just kidding. It looks cool.

I don’t want to do any more references to stuff that’s in the episode because the stuff I wrote down is mostly about poop, and I’m 35 years old so that kind of sucks. But the Kickstarters this week are pretty funny and they are basically all huge scams so it’s okay to laugh at them. And we talk about some other stuff as well, in addition to the poop things I mentioned before. Yep that feels bad. Okay, talk to you later.

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium - I really think, and I am serious, that this is one of the best shows you can listen to in the entire world. Please do not ask me what other shows there are, if I have heard them, or if I know what this show even is. Last week’s ep was a real banger – our friend Will Menaker from Chapo Trap House joined to do some fucking movie. God, what was it? I can’t remember. Well whatever it was, it was surely about a beach. Since the theme for the month is Beach Party. Next week: a fun surprise that Mike will hate. But you? You will love!

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands:

Factor - “Meals” are now called “X”! Just kidding. But you almost believed it, which says a lot about society. Get fifty-percent off with code yks50 at factor75.com/yks50.

Schedule 35 - New neural networks in the brain? Hey get these guys working on my wifi! Of course I know those are different things, but I probably couldn’t, like, really tell you why. Get 15% off with code YKS at schedule35.co

Honey - I’m getting my big head stuck in a bucket that has Honey written on the side. But instead of that classic sweet stuff inside, it’s discounts and cash back! Even better! Save yourself some coin at joinhoney.com/yks

Mint mobile - I hate my wireless plan…why did I buy it? Well probably because I am a sucker and didn’t realize I could get the same service for a lot less, with Mint Mobile. Grab a new wireless plan for $15/mo and free shipping at mintmobile.com/yks.

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.