Your Kickstarter Sucks

It would have made a lot of sense to stop doing episodes after we made it to 311…such a momentous occasion, such an incredible event, and of course it’s all downhill from there anyway. But according to recent polling, people are loving the slop more than ever before (and also we don’t have other jobs or things to do outside of sitting on the computer) and as a result, we have elected to continue doing the show for the foreseeable future! And as luck would have it, there were approximately 6 new things to talk about this week, including a guy reinventing drinking water, a guy reinventing sleeping, and finally, the discovery of a combination of sex and food that somehow fails to make any sense whatsoever. Looks like this one is coming in at the required length, so pop some pornocorn and let the AI-powered tablet beep and boop at you for a while…it’s time for a new YKS!

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

If I were even more YKS content, just where would I hide….Oh yeah! YKS Premium on Patreon! Last week we were joined by our friends from E1 for a trip down Sandler Lane as YKS Beach Party 2 continues. And the only place to hear it, or get an invitation to Alex Branson’s Hawaiian House Party is at Patreon.com/yourkickstartersucks

This week’s YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

Factor - My name is Bub and I love to eat Grub! That’s just my pitch for a character named Bub who loves healthy, convenient meals delivered straight to his front door. Oh and guess what? His dad died in the war so he has a lot of trauma to process. And according to this card here, the show has been canceled. Meanwhile I’m going to FactorMeals.com/yks50 for 50% off my order! Who cares about Bub! I’m glad he’s gone. 

Schedule35 - Sometimes you have to think thoughts. I know, I know, I’d prefer not to as well. But it says here microdosing psilocybin can help make thinking thoughts more pleasant by creating new neural networks in the brain which help boost focus, creativity, mood enhancement. Now that’s what I call, eating some stuff that’s good. Get 15% Off with code YKS at Schedule35.co - That’s 15% off at Schedule35.co and use code YKS

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Oh yeah man, mondo badass episode! Schwing! Sorry it doesn’t really work to try to sound like the boneheaded robbers from 3 Ninjas, textually, and also I’m not sure 311 Guy is in the same ballpark. But, on the other hand, it’s our damn milestone and we can celebrate it however we damn well please! I choose…incoherent, replacement-level episode description. On today’s episode we’ve got a brand new Weird Coffee drink and it’s called the Starbucks Booger! That’s just a complete joke of course but you’re used to that by now, 311 episodes in. What we do have though is a dumbass little kid’s fascist magazine, some cute signs from some old ladies, and 13 pieces of crap in one. And don’t say that’s me and all my friends! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Son of a BEACH!! This month of YKS Premium is guaranteed to be hot, hot, hot! Join DB, JF, and some very special guests as they feel the sand between their toes and the popcorn between their teeth as YKS Beach Party returns to the YKS Premium Patreon page! 

This week’s episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

Factor - Food. We all know you’re gonna eat it. I’ll be the first one to admit, I’m in on that stuff every day of the week and twice on Sundays. But I don’t feel quite right unless I’m getting my macros and my yumminess quotient and my convenience needs met. That’s where Factor comes in. Get fifty percent off your first box with code yks50 at FACTORMEALS.com/yks50.

Schedule 35 - Microsoding, huh? I know of at least one super hero who would probably get down with that. Way down with it, if you know what I mean. And maybe even his latest movie is evidence that he has! Whoaa dude, I’m like, feeling very calm and stuff...Out of this world! And into my mouth! Get 15% Off with code YKS at Schedule35.co - That’s 15% off at Schedule35.co and use code YKS. 

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Oh my God! It’s almost the Fourth of July! I hope this episode of YKS talks about it instead of being about stuff that happened three weeks ago! Oh my godddddd! I want to talk about the Fourth of July!!! Shaddddddddaappppppp! Nobody cares about that busted ass holiday anyway; we’re already thinking about Augstrember’s Eve. On this week’s episode of YKS, we’re talking about what happened to broccolini, Rube Goldberg masturbation, and going back to the soup. Plus, we got a stupid fuckin bowl, a machine to incentivize wiping your butt at your computer desk, and a mask that will make you go completely insane. That’s good enough for a show but somehow we probably do like 15-20 more things. What will they be? Only one way to find out..

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Want more YKS? Then ya gotta get YKS Premium! There are more episodes there than there are grains of sand at the beach! That can’t possibly be true, but we’ll be finding out for sure this July during YKS Beach Party 2! Summer movies and more with some very special guests, only at Patreon.com/YourKickstarterSucks

Athletic Greens - Vitamins is so important this time of year, and when it comes to consuming them, I’m more of a drinker than a chewer. Thank Gaia for Athletic Greens, a beverage I’d drink even if there wasn’t any good stuff in it, but they put a bunch in there anyway. Get a 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at AthleticGreens.com/yks

HelloFresh - Meals meals meals, I like to have about 3 a day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But it’s quite nice when at least one of them comes from the Kitchen Wizards (they didn’t tell me to write that, I chose it on my own) at HelloFresh. Get 16 free meals plus free shipping at HelloFresh.com/yourkickstartersucks16

Schedule 35 - You all know me. I like to think inside my head because that’s where the thoughts live. But I do understand, at times, it could be useful to expand our horizons a bit. And who doesn’t like a little pick-me-up? Well evidently microdosing mushrooms can help, and I’m not talking about nonna’s sunday gravy. Get 15% Off with code YKS at Schedule35.co 

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Lego Brandon!!! That’s the type of thing I’m saying, when I want to express a feeling I think I’m trying to have, but don’t really have the courage or belief in myself to see it through completely. And plus, I’m stupid and my breath stinks and I probably am not that good at wiping my butt so there’s still some “crust” left behind in my shorts. Yeah, that’s the kind of guy I am. I’m thinking…I’m that guy. On today’s show we’re raising a cup to Obama and asking him to protect us from the rise of the funnies. Plus it’s that classic showdown of Porbeagle vs Oncle…Momondo, ladies and gentlemen! Momondo! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! The place that honestly they should consider shutting down because we are having too much fun over there! And if they do shut it down, I hope they trap me inside and never let me out! I’m stuck in there ha ha ha. Luckily, I have many hundreds of hours of audio and video content to tide me over, and of course I can access the YKS Pisscord with all of my friends who are also trapped in the place that we’re in. I can’t really conceive of what it would be like, but it is a lot of fun and it’s only like five bucks so you know what, let’s all go do it. Right now!!

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

Factor – Now, we’ve all eaten food. But sometimes the food tastes bad or isn’t convenient or even, and yes we’ve heard of this, it can be not that nutritious! Well Factor was tired of all of that and they figured out a way around it! Let’s beat this thing, baby, with Factor! Use code yks50 to get 50% off your first box at Factormeals.com/yks50!

NordVPN - 🌏 Get Exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ https://nordvpn.com/yks

It’s risk-free with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! ✌

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I’m watching one of those David Attenborough-narrated nature documentaries, because it’s my day and I get to do whatever stupid crap I want. I love these shows, especially the ones about the ocean, even if the information goes in one ear and out the other. I think I just like bobbing around in the water with those crazy guys, and marinating in Big Dave’s raspy whispers. He’s definitely a compelling narrator, and I even think he’s probably pretty smart, if only from just actually reading the information I let wash over me like whale guts while researching carpet cleaners on my laptop. But within a few minutes of this one, he dumped out something like “We’ve explored more of Mars than we have the deep ocean, and blah blah blah”, which made me look up from the computer in shock. That’s some dumb shit I would say, not you. You’re British! Do something smart! Anyway enjoy YKS: the show that’s sometimes just as smart as Blue Planet II. And don’t forget to #EatLikeOsama. 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Want more YKS? The only place for it is YKS Premium! Get ad-free episodes and a bunch of other episodes and mainly the draw there is more episodes, I guess. You have to like listening to our show to really get much out of the deal, which is unfortunate really; I think we’d do a lot better if it was, for instance, brand new Apple computers or extra medicine that people didn’t use all of when they were sick or something like that. But as it is, enjoy us talking more on there for about $5/month. 

Athletic Greens - Did you know: Vitamins are actually good for you? Yes! Many scientists presumably agree that getting the full alphabet of those bad boys inside ya will help with everything from tip to tail. But forget the big pills and suck ‘em down liquid-style, with Athletic Greens! Get a 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at athleticgreens.com/yks

FastGrowing Trees - It’s time to get dirty! I’ve been out in the yard digging holes and planting stuff and putting water on it. It’s fun, and it looks good, and it probably helps the earth somehow. Join me, won’t you? With 15% off your order at FastGrowingTrees.com/yks, I don’t see how you can afford not to!

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I am a good person because of where I buy stuff! Are you? Keep in mind, if you say no, we will be instantly waging an ideological and perhaps literal war – one which can only be solved only with a swipe of our credit cards. On today’s show, we take a few swipes of our own – at some scams and flubs of today, including an air conditioner that fits on your wrist, a computer that tells you if your kid is drowning, and a way to sell your parking spot. Wow! Nobody ever thought of that! And nobody ever thought of this either: download our show and listen to it so you can have a nice time! That is the Mike Hale guarantee.

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! The only place, perhaps on Earth, with as much YKS as the regular YKS feed! On last week’s show we had a bunch of nasty guys. And this week’s show? Well, let’s just say there’s gonna be at least 2 of em on the mic. Lord have mercy!

This week’s YKS is brought to you by these fine brands:

HelloFresh - Breakfast, lunch, or dinner: which meal you use HelloFresh for is what’s known as “dealer’s choice”. I’m a dinnerman, but if you’re Lunch Heads in your household, then by all means, cook ‘em up around noontime! But whatever you do, don’t pay full price for these delectable, healthy, convenient meals. Use our code! Get 16 free meals plus free shipping at hellofresh.com/yourkickstartersucks16

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My roots are planted in the past

Though my life is changing fast

Who I am is who I want to be

A single mom who works too hard

Who loves her kids and never stops

With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter

I'm a survivor...

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

Please…subscribe to YKS Premium! My yard needs yard food to live. 

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

AthleticGreens - I need my vitamins so bad! But how do I get them? Maybe by using a knife and fork to eat a huge pill by a burning oil drum? Uhh no, maybe I should just get a delicious slightly tropical beverage packed with all the nutrients a man heading into flu and cold season could possibly ask for! Get a whole year’s worth of vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at athleticgreens.com/yks

Factor - It’s a “feeding frenzy”! The Factor box has just arrived and the entire family is rushing toward the door in a massive sphere of humanity to pick out their favorite lunches and dinners. But no worries, Factor has something for everyone! Even Fido! (If Fido is like the name of your kid or grandma etc.) Wanna try some for yourself? Head to factormeals.com/yks50 for 50% off your first box!

NordVPN - 🌏 Get Exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ https://nordvpn.com/YKS

It’s risk-free with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! ✌

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I’m sitting at the kitchen table writing this episode description and while it’s never a very productive place to do any work, it’s definitely a lot harder when your kids are sitting here smashing their chips on the table and talking about the origins of the word “fork”. I don’t know! It probably comes from some dead guy! On this very picturesque episode of YKS, we’ve got a new freak to love, an old freak to hate, and something called “Poopl”! Now that sounds like a jam-packed episode, and I just looked it up and it’s from the Old English forca, force (denoting a farm implement), based on Latin furca ‘pitchfork, forked stick’; reinforced in Middle English by Anglo-Norman French furke (also from Latin furca ). Great! 

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! The ONLY place you can get more Mike and JF! Unless you start hanging out at the grocery store or weed store and you happen to see us there and confront us with a little whistle and flag while wearing a bodycam for YouTube in the hopes that we start beating on you! Last week we went back to school once again to do battle with some elementary schoolers on elementary subjects, and made ourselves look stupid as hell. Most of the time we look really smart though. You could be smart too, by signing up today and enjoying our big brains at Patreon.com/YourKickstarterSucks

This episode of YKS is brought to you by these fine brands: 

Rocket Money - Too many dadgum subscriptions! This is a modern day problem that calls for a modern day solution: Rocket Money. Rockets are modern, and so is money, so what I said basically makes sense. Let Rocket Money “blow up” that unused, overpriced streaming service bloat on your bank account, and reclaim that cash we all love to have! Try it out today at RocketMoney.com/yks

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Now before you get mad at me for language appropriation for the title, listen to the episode. And get mad at my kid instead! I’m just kidding don’t email me about this or I’ll lose my gourd. Last time I saw him, he was in Vancouver. Again, this is a joke. On today’s episode of YKS, we are reviewing some funny ass memes, headbanging to the Abhorrent Stench of Flatulence, and discovering just what types of things you shouldn’t imply you are doing to your dog on a t-shirt you wear in public. Plus! A work from home solution so bad I’d go into the office, a guy who thinks he can make air travel even less dignified, and a cute little kitchen gadget from Japan that I actually don’t want. Insane…how do they do it?!

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

YKS Premium! THAT’S the place to listen to the real show…not none of this 2 hour long hilarious, informative, sometimes-mentioned-on-a-website stuff. We’re talking LESS runtime, LESS relevant, and WAY LESS informative. It’s the only place to catch your two favorite guys watchin’ videos, makin’ videos, and chatting with crazy guests. That’s right, we’ll NEVER have a guest on YKS Regular. They fuck with our flow! Check out our fucked up flow and much more over at Patreon.com/yourkickstartersucks! 

This episode of YKS is sponsored by these fine brands: 

Factor - When the meals come to your house and they’re good and healthy >>> Get 50% off your 1st box code with the code yks50 at factormeals.com/yks50

Athletic Greens - We simply must have our vitamins, gang! And throw in the nutrients as well, gratis. 5 free travel packs and a year supply of Vitamin D can be yours, if you sign up today at athleticgreens.com/yks

Fast Growing Trees - I am looking out onto my beautiful verdant shrubs, that I myself purchased, with a different style of “green”, from FGT, right now, and I simply could not be prouder. Unless you also did the same. Why not? Now I’ve heard of pruning trees, but pruning prices? Well, just go on over to Fastgrowingtrees.com/yks, where you’ll get 15% off, and tell me if that doesn’t make a little more sense to ya. 

NordVPN - 🌏 Get an Exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ https://nordvpn.com/YKS It’s risk-free with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! ✌

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Yesterday I was in Lowe’s looking for an anti-siphon valve, and a guy walked up behind me also looking for something. It sounded like he was looking for the same thing as me, so I showed it to him and he was like “no that’s not it, it’s like this.” And that’s fine I was just sitting there anyway. So then the Lowe’s employee walks over and he’s looking around, and mumbling, and going “Oh that’s not good”, and the original guy starts saying how he’s just gonna have to order it online, and it used to be $5 and all this shit. So I get my thing and stand up, and the guy’s wife says “I think he has the thing right there. And it’s only $4.” So I hand it to him and he just takes it and leaves. What a loser! Anyway none of that is in the show today, which is mostly about Pasta Tools, Trevor Ariza’s Money, rap battles, bougie popcorn, and AI pens. Nothing about my triumphant Lowe’s story, though, unfortunately. Still worth a listen.

Music for YKS is courtesy of Howell Dawdy, Craig Dickman, Mr. Baloney, and Mark Brendle. Additional research by Zeke Golvin. YKS is edited by Producer Dan. 

For ad-free episodes, access to the YKS Pisscord, and a whole bunch of other crapola, you’re gonna wanna head on over to YKS Premium and give us a classic amount of money! By the way, the Pisscord is a Discord server. And I don’t really know why we call it that. Pretty stupid actually, but guess what. Smart people are in there. Let’s go bother them! 

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