Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds moves chronologically backwards in the 3 Ninjas franchise with 1994's 3 Ninjas Kick Back, the second movie in the franchise. If you saw the original 3 Ninjas and thought "this doesn't appeal to me, a dumb babby, enough," then this is the movie for you!

Grandpa Mori (Victor Wong) and one third of the kids from the original movie are back and they're going to Japan! …Eventually. First they have to compete in the dirtiest Little League game of all time, and then a luggage switch-em-up forces Colt (Max Elliott Slade), Rocky (Sean Fox), and Tum Tum (J. Evan Bonifant) to commit identify fraud to go to Japan and bring a sacred dagger to their grandpa in time for the end of a ninja tournament.

But who is this? Evil bad guy Koga (Sab Shimono) is trying to steal the dagger for reasons. And he's using his dumb nephew and his two dumb friends to do it! Also who is this Japanese girl Miyo (Caroline Junko King) who is so good at ninja stuff? And why won't this kid on the opposing baseball team stop farting? And why does Tum Tum break the fourth wall at the very end? You'll just have to watch to find out!

This episode originally aired January 15, 2018.

Your Stupid Minds presents a '90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper, which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mouse. They try to recover the last piece of a superweapon microchip, while she struggles to stay alive. There are also 2.5 sex scenes in this movie.

Your Stupid Minds continues its "semi-recent movies that actually aren't that bad and available on Disney Plus" series with the third Narnia movie that Disney dumped and neither of us got around to seeing until now. It's 2010's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader!

Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley) are stuck in northern England waiting out the Blitz with their annoying cousin Eustace (Will Poulter) when they're sucked into a painting and end up back in Narnia. They board King Caspian's (Ben Barnes) ship the Dawn Treader and must recover some magic swords to stop an evil green mist from ravaging the land. That's about all you need to know.

Your Stupid Minds accidentally reviews two Kaya Scodelario movies in a row by covering a film shot in 2014, and intended to release in 2015. Instead it was dumped unceremoniously into theaters in January of this year. It's 2022's The King's Daughter! Directed by Sean McNamara (3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain).

Marie-Josephe (Scodelario) is an orphan brought to 18th century Versailles for unknown reasons. It turns out she's, get this, the king's daughter. Specifically, the daughter of King Louis XIV (Pierce Brosnon). So she must navigate the court intrigue of the palace while she finds true love.

ALSO, the king wants to live forever, so he uses his quack court doctor Labarthe (Pablo Schreiber) to concoct a plan wherein if he eats the heart of a mermaid during an eclipse, he will achieve immortality. So the king hires a Captain Yves (Benjamin Walker) to capture a mermaid (Bingbing Fan) to do the deed. Will he go through with it? Will he have a change of heart? Did anyone see this movie? You'll have to listen to find out.

Your Stupid Minds features another underperforming pandemic film with this hard reboot of the Resident Evil franchise, removing Alice and the laser puzzles of the Paul W.S. Anderson films and sticking to something closer to the video game remakes. It's 2021's Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City!

Claire (Kaya Scodelario) is a former orphan from Raccoon City who returns to visit her brother Chris (Robbie Amell) and tell him something's not right with the town. She is almost immediately proven right when a warning siren goes off and the T-Virus zombified townsfolk start attacking everyone. Can Claire, Chris, and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. police squad escape the city before it explodes? Can they cram as much stuff from the games as they can? Will Jill Sandwich make an appearance? You'll have to watch to find out!

Your Stupid Minds returns to the ninja movie well in our futile attempt to find a bad one. Surely the huge flop reboot based on toys will do the trick, right? Right? It's 2021's Snake Eyes: G.I. Origins.

Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) witnesses his father's murder as a child, and he vows to get big and buff and seek revenge. When evil Yakuza guy Kenta (Takehiro Hira) says he'll give him his father's killer if he works for him, Snake Eyes agrees. It begins when he's asked to execute a traitor in the gang's midst, who turns out to be Tommy (Andrew Koji) heir to the Arashikage ninja clan.

I can't get into much more without spoiling the plot, so let's just say there are some cool ninja fights and a glowing jewel that vaporizes dudes. And of course Cobra is involved.

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of meh Disney movies with an unfaithful adaptation of the broom dancing sequence from Fantasia. It's 2010's The Sorcerer's Apprentice!

In a flashback to 740 A.D., Merlin (James A. Stephens) is betrayed by this trusted apprentice Horvath (Alfred Molina) and slain by the evil sorcerer Morgana (Alice Krige). A bunch of years later, in 2000 A.D., a kid named Dave (played by Jay Baruchel when he grows up) wanders into a curio shop and is given a magic dragon ring by Balthazar (Nicolas Cage). Ten MORE years later, in 2010 A.D., they must work together to stop Horvath from freeing Morgana, who will destroy the world or something.

Your Stupid Minds covers the dingy, sociopathic, completely unnecessary sequel to Saturday Night Fever: the Sylvester Stallone-directed Staying Alive from 1983. And to sweeten the pot, we have a special guest: author and Plan 9 from Outer Space lover Katharine Coldiron!

It's six years after 1977's Saturday Night Fever, and Tony Manero (John Travolta) is a struggling dancer trying to make it in the big city. His on-again-off-again girlfriend Jackie (Cynthia Rhodes) supports him, despite his general flakiness and constant desire to cheat on her and treat her like a doormat. When Jackie scores a spot in a hit Broadway show, Tony ingratiates himself with/seduces the star Laura (Finola Hughes) and gets himself into the laughably titled and orchestrated Satan's Alley. Tony sleeps with Laura, then becomes weird and possessive. Can he make it in the show? Or will his machismo sabotage his aspirations?

Our guest, Katharine Coldiron, has a new monograph out about Plan 9 from Outer Space, a movie that inspired our namesake and is near and dear to our hearts. It's called, appropriately, Plan 9 from Outer Space and it is available through PS Publishing. You can find it in hardback or ebook and is also available from Amazon.

You can also find Katharine on her website, Twitter, and the Dana Gould Hour.

What is Vanquish (2021)? Is it an action film? Is it a money laundering scheme? Is it a sweetheart deal with some new Uzbekistani streaming service? Whatever is is, it isn't good.

Retired hero cop Damon (Morgan Freeman) was paralyzed in the line of duty and therefore Freeman does not have to stand up to leave the room throughout the entire movie. He now lives in his giant glass mansion calling corrupt cops on the phone and scheming criminal deeds. He decides to "help" his ex-hitwoman caretaker Victoria (Ruby Rose) by kidnapping her sick daughter and making Victoria do five cash pickups in one night to get her back. However, not each pickup is what it seems. Is there some ulterior motive for his plan? Yes.

Your Stupid Minds returns to its alternating YA theme with a book adaptation that Miramax and Disney had big hopes for, and then was dumped on Disney+ in the middle of the pandemic without so much as a $20 premium to watch it. It's 2020's Artemis Fowl, directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh.

Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw) is a super smart smarmy super genius whose mom is dead and dad (Artemis Fowl I, played by Colin Farrell) keeps leaving for long stretches of time for strange and sexy adventures. But one of dad's adventures puts him in hot water with a mysterious fairy (who looks like Ronan the Accuser) who kidnaps the dad and demands Artemis II give them the Aculos, an egg-shaped MacGuffin that has a bunch of power and stuff. Can Artemis save his dad? Using an elaborate heist-like plan and high charisma buff? Yeah.