Your Stupid Minds

We continue our ad hoc mini cyborg series with a sequel to an Albert Pyun movie but not directed by Pyun: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow.

Cash (a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first starring role) is a top-of-the-line cyborg created to seduce her company's competitors and blow them up. Her and her karate instructor Colton Ricks (Elias Koteas) have a good rapport, but a mysterious mouth named Mercy (Jack Palance) connect with both of them on every available CRT television nearby.

Mercy helps them both escape and they're on the run from competing cyborg hunters Chen (Karen Sheperd) and the unhinged Danny Bench (Billy Drago). They eventually find themselves at an outpost Fallout-style town where Colt must fight in a death match for the money to escape.

In a vague gesture toward Cyberpunk 2077, that game people used to complain about a month ago, Your Stupid Minds dips into Amazon Prime's vast archive of schlock and found 1992's Nemesis, directed by YSM mainstay Albert Pyun (Dangerously Close, Captain America).

Alex (Olivier Gruner, a Jean-Claude Van Damme type) is an LAPD cop with cyborg enhancements. He is tasked with finding his former partner and lover Jared (Marjorie Monaghan), who has gone rogue and allied with cyborg terrorists... or has she? He goes on his mission after a bomb is implanted into his heart without his consent.

Alex comes across various players in this confusing scenario, including cyborg babes, gang leader Angie-Liv (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), a Lori Petty type named Max Impact (Merle Kennedy), his boss Farnsworth, a Mike Pence type (Tim Thomerson), and Billy, a Thomas Jane type (Thomas Jane). There are a bunch of shoot outs and some cyber eyeball gore. I think a Terminator attacks their helicopter. Some other cool stuff happens.

Legend has it every three years, Danielle and Valeah will return to Your Stupid Minds to review a middling Christmas movie. That legend has been fulfilled for Netflix's The Knight Before Christmas, starring Vanessa Hudgens and some British guy. Featuring special guests, as previously mentioned, Valeah and Danielle.

Brooke (Hudgens) is a schoolteacher in small town Ohio who recently suffered a mild breakup that hasn't really affected her at all, is ambivalent but not hostile toward Christmas, and has dead parents that are barely mentioned. When she hits a mentally unwell person with her car, she decides to take him home to her mansion and let him stay in her 1,500 square foot guest house. Never mind the man (Josh Whitehouse) is wearing full knight regalia, goes by "Sir Cole" (or "Circle" if you say it fast enough) and talks like a RenFest role-player. He's cute.

As it turns out, Circle is actually a medieval knight, transported to the pre-COVID 21st century by an old crone in the woods to fulfill his quest of becoming a true knight. What is that quest? The crone isn't clear. Hopefully it involves learning to drive a car, catching and eating a skunk, called Mrs. Claus an old crone, or putting an Amazon Echo into a freezer, because that's what he does.

We finally got around to reviewing Money Plane. What is Money Plane, you ask? A movie about a plane. With money on it. Well, not really. Cryptocurrency. Which I guess can be considered money. And you bet on snuff films. Or something. And you rob it. Rob the Money Plane.

Jack Reese (former wrestler Adam "Edge" Copeland) is a thief with $40 million in gambling debts. When his crew is set up during an art heist, aforementioned criminal boss "The Rumble" (Kelsey Grammer) buys his debt and makes him rob a billion dollars in cryptocurrency from a flying casino. Which cryptocurrencies? Let your imagination decide that.

His crew, consisting of karate lady Isabella (Katrina Norman), hacker Trey (Patrick Lamont, Jr.), and not-as-good hacker Iggy (Andrew Lawrence), concoct a plan to rob the Money Plane, and then it mostly goes as planned. Also Jack's friend Harry (Thomas Jane) is around to fly a drone in case things go south.

A halloween spooktacular so good you'll puke your guts out! It's Lucio Fulci's 1980 movie City of the Living Dead!

A New England priest (Fabrizio Jovine) hangs himself in order to open a portal to hell and unleash an army of the undead. Mary (Catriona MacColl) discovers his plot during a New York seance and travels with a reporter (Christopher George) to stop the zombie horde on All Saint's Day through… means.

Meanwhile, the denizens of Dunwich, Massachusetts notice strange happenings in the town, including, but not limited to, earthquakes, make out hauntings, 30% of the population dying of fright (according to the coroner), skull smashings, organ pukings, and a perverted gas station attendant with a blow up doll.

We're sealing up our loosey-goosey Worst of 2019 series with the most notorious big budget movie of the year: 2019's Cats! Featuring special guest Sarah Richard (née Dobson).

Victoria (Francesca Hayward) is a cat abandoned by her owners on the mean streets of Cat London. There she meets up with a musical bunch of Jellicle cats who show her the ropes of what it means to be Jellicle. They all sing their silly songs as proof that they are the Jellicle Choice™.

Meanwhile, the evil cat Macavity (Idris Elba), kidnaps all the Jellicles using magic and sends them to a boat on the Thames in order to secure his spot as the Jellicle Choice™ to go to the Heaviside Layer.

That's the plot.

Rebel Wilson eats a humanoid cockroach at some point.

Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with a big budget adaptation of a book that was not nearly as best-selling as the book: The Goldfinch! Starring a bevy of hot young male actors with incredibly silly names.

Theo Decker (Oakes Fegley) is a boy who is a victim in a terrorist attack targeting New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. His mother is killed in the blast and he goes to live with some WASP-y family friends. The matriarch Mrs. Barbour (Nicole Kidman) takes a liking to Theo, but he is whisked away by his deadbeat alcoholic gambling addicted dad Larry (Luke Wilson).

He moves outside Las Vegas and befriends an emo looking Ukrainian boy Boris (Finn Wolfhard). There is some time jumping to the present with Ansel Elgort as adult Theo. Something about a missing painting. A young homoerotic experience. A deadly yachting accident. An elaborate European art heist. Some other things too. It's really long.

Your Stupid Minds continues its Worst of 2019 mini theme with a film that technically didn't come out in 2019 (December of 2018) but also didn't really come out anywhere, really. Nicolas Cage stars as another character named Joe in Maria Pulera's ghostly thriller dark comedy drama horror film Between Worlds.

Joe (Cage) is a widower Alabama truck driver whose wife and five-year-old daughter died tragically in a house fire. He comes across a woman named Julie (Run Lola Run's Franka Potente) being choked out in a truck stop bathroom. He beats up the choker, but Julie explains the choking was consensual. She has a psychic ability to exist "between worlds" when she is near death. She needs to use her ability to rescue the soul of her daughter, who is in a coma after a motorcycle accident.

Joe and Julie start a relationship, but things are not what they seem as the recovering daughter Billie (Penelope Mitchell) begins acting stranger and hornier than usual.

Your Stupid Minds enters the world of Baker Dill as part of its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with the flop Serenity. Don't worry nerds! We're reviewing the other movie named Serenity that was a big flop. The one about fishing and step-dad revenge. Not Joss Whedon's space opera.

Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey) is an island fisherman trying to catch a giant tuna named Justice. His high school sweetheart Karen (Anne Hathaway) finds him and offers $10 million to kill her abusive husband Frank (Jason Clarke), and Dill is conflicted. This is all I can say without giving away the big twist.

In honor of our one-off mention of the scene where a man throws a dog in the ocean, Your Stupid Minds reviews Hulk Hogan's Mr. Nanny!

Sean Armstrong (Hogan, credited as Terry "Hulk" Hogan, which is still not his real name) is a down-and-out wrestler whose manager Burt (Sherman Hemsley) gets him a job as a bodyguard. It turns out Armstrong will oversee two psychotic children for Alex Mason (Austin Pendleton), the CEO of a microchip company.

While the two children find various clever ways to try to kill their new bodyguard/nanny, the evil Tommy Thanatos (played by the News York Dolls's David Johansen, who also wrote and performed the soundtrack) finds devious ways to get his hands on a cutting edge microchip Mason's company is developing. Hijinks ensue.