Your Stupid Minds

Apropos of nothing, Your Stupid Minds reviews 1994's Streets of Rage, a vanity project written, produced, and starring wrestler Mimi Lesseos.

Melody Sails (Lesseos) is a former special forces badass and aspiring journalist. After talking to some homeless children in the slums of Los Angeles, she uncovers a pattern of child murder which ties back to evil British pimp Lunar (Oliver Page). Melody also juggles three different men after her affections, and fends off other men in the form of random street goons by kicking and punching them.

Your Stupid Minds reviews Sniper: Special Ops based solely on its horrific Photoshop Frankenstein DVD cover. And Steven Seagal is in it.

Jake (Seagal) is a 65-year-old elite Army sniper on a mission in Afghanistan (which has geography that in no way resembles Southern California) to save a kidnapped congressman. The squad leader Vic (Tim Abell) is also present, along with Vasquez, (wrestler Rob Van Dam) and some other people. Jake shoots two dudes with the sniper rifle, then it breaks and he never uses it again. One squad member is shot in the spine and unable to evacuate via the Humvee, so Jake stays with him out of the goodness of his heart (and not because leaving would require him to descend a number of stairs).

After the mission, the movie shifts completely to a story about a broken truck and a women with her child. There is also a plucky Lois Lane-like reporter Janet (Charlene Amoia). These storylines eventually converge, sort of, and Seagal stays seated for most of the movie.

Featured Music: Crossing the Chasm by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3562-crossing-the-chasm License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Your Stupid Minds enters 2020 with one of the worst of 2019: the John Travolta starring, Fred Durst directed movie out of time The Fanatic. Moose (Travolta) is a Los Angeles resident obsessed with the past-his-prime action star Hunter Dunbar (Devon Sawa). He gets access to a premiere party only to discover he isn't there. After multiple attempts to make contact, his friend Leah (Ana Golja) points him to an app that maps celebrities' homes. He uses this opportunity to stalk Dunbar and do a bunch of other weird things.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates the holiday season, nutcrackers, Lifetime movies, and incest-based coffee commercials with our latest episode of 2018's A Very Nutty Christmas!

Kate Holiday (Melissa Joan Hart) is a woman who doesn't dislike Christmas but is generally stressed out by it. She's a baker and has to bake a lot of cookies for the holidays. After her actor/Santa boyfriend Mark (Ryan Caltagirone) dumps her, she acquires the original nutcracker toy which inspired the Nutcracker ballet.

Needless to say it comes to life as a hunky guy named Chip (played by the older brother of Simon from 7th Heaven) and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. He teaches her about the meaning of Christmas by saving her bakery while working on poverty wages and cracking a lot of nuts with his bare hands.

Special guest Adam Pecht returns to Your Stupid Minds to cover another poorly thought out and shoddily made horror film: 1990's Demon Wind!

Cory (Eric Larson) and his girlfriend Elaine (Francine Lapensée) visit the beautiful Napa Valley. The recent suicide of Cory's father compels him to visit his family's old home. He assembles ten of his closest friends to help with the investigation, including Elaine's jock ex-boyfriend Dell (T-Force's Bobby Johnston), some nerd (Stephen Quadros), and a magician who is probably their drug dealer (Rufus Norris).

Despite the creepy gas station owner warning them, they go to the house and encounter a bunch of creepy stuff, such as a minotaur head, weird demon children who turn people into dolls, skeletons, flying knifes, a handwritten book with Latin phrases, and so on. Needless to say they all die and/or turn into Star Trek aliens. Spoiler alert.

Your Stupid Minds dips into a movie too tawdry for children and too stupid for adults: 1994's Milk Money. A trio of 11-year-old boys saves up to purchase the services of a sex worker so they can see her naked (which is probably what they think sex is). When V (Melanie Griffith), a prostitute in the big city, agrees, circumstances bring her to their bucolic suburb where she lives in one of the boys' treehouse and strikes up a romance with his widower father Tom (Ed Harris). There's also something about stolen mob money, threatened wetlands, and a frilly leather jacket. Malcolm McDowell and Anne Heche are also in there somewhere.

In honor of the (now not so recently) late legend Rutger Hauer, Your Stupid Minds covers one of our favorite Hauer films. No, not Blade Runner. Come on. You know what kind of podcast this is. It's 1989's Blind Fury!

Nick Parker (Hauer) is an American solider in Vietnam blinded by Viet Cong shrapnel. He's taken in by local villagers and taught the ways of the sword through elaborate bullying and pranks. Years later, he finds himself plopped into southern Florida as a friendly hobo. He goes to visit his old army buddy Frank (Terry O'Quinn), and instead finds his son Billy (Brandon Call) and soon-to-be-ex-wife Lynn (Meg Foster). The house is invaded by some goons and Nick must bring Billy back to his father and get to the bottom of this attack.

After a thorough and inefficient search of the Amazon Prime streaming options, Your Stupid Minds settles on the most ridiculously titled '90s direct-to-video release in its general eyeshot: 1996's Kid Cop!

A kid cop (Jer Adrianne Lelliott) insists on being a kid cop after his adult cop dad is killed in the line of duty. His mother (Alexandra Paul) is concerned, but somewhat relieved that Kid Cop is guided by the man who did not prevent her husband's death, his partner Frank (Edward Albert). Kid Cop finds a pattern in a series of burglaries around town, and eventually suspects a pair of newcomers to town: The ice cream truck owners Beverly and Stan (Cindy Pickett and John Rubinstein). He elicits the help of his new friend Lisa (Bethany Richards) and thwarts a heinous gold coin heist by these outsider monsters.

Your Stupid Minds reviews a classic of the gym-based '80s slasher genre, Killer Workout, also known as Aerobi-cide.

An up-and-coming model (Marcia Karr) is horrifically burned in a freak tanning bed fire. Two years (or is it five years?) later, her twin sister Rhonda (mentioned only in online synopses) opens up a gym where babes and hunks are murdered with a comically large novelty safety pin. A needlessly confrontational investigator, Lieutenant Morgan (David Campbell), is assigned the case. Another hunk, Chuck, (Ted Prior), is sent by the gym's senior partner to work at the gym, and also knows white guy karate.

Your Stupid Minds returns to sports television pioneer cum b-movie schlock director Andy Sidaris (Hard Ticket to Hawaii) with his 1989 beach babes spy caper Savage Beach.

Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlson) return to the Sidaris-verse when, after a drug bust and a naked hot tub session, fly to a remote island to deliver medicine to orphans. During the mission, they encounter a storm and have to crash land on a different island, which ends up being the center of an intertwined narrative about recovering hidden World War II era gold while a bevy of other parties—ninjas, Filipino revolutionaries, and the U.S. government—attempt to do the same.