Your Stupid Minds

Superfan Leo requested one of those most notoriously bad movies in modern history: Rob Reiner's 1994 box office bomb North.

The titular 11-year-old wunderkind North (Elijah Wood) is tired of his parents' (played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) bickering and self-centeredness, so he decides to become a "free agent" and shops around for new parents.

With his parents in a shock-induced double coma, North traipses the globe looking for a new family, which takes him to Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, and so on. A number of A-Listers and fun character actors appear, including Bruce Willis, Jon Lovitz, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Kathy Bates, John Ritter, Abe Vigoda, Richard Belzer, Ben Stein, and a very young Scarlett Johansson in her very first role.

Have you ever wanted to see *NSYNC, Kenny Rogers, O-Town, Zachery Ty Bryan, LFO, Gilbert Gottfried, Dustin Diamond, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Paul Sorvino, Britney Spears, and Art Garfunkel all together on the big screen? No, you didn't. You really, really didn't. Because that's what happened in 2001's Lou Pearlman produced film Longshot, and it was awful.

Much like a Russian nesting doll, the film is a gigolo-based espionage thriller within a high school basketball redemption story within a story about O-Town watching the film just described. Producer and co-writer Tony DeCamillis stars as said gigolo Jack, who is forced by gangster Lazzlo Price (Sorvino) to seduce a rich widow for information about a recent merger.

Meanwhile, Jack's nephew Alex (Joey Sculthorpe) misses a game-winning basketball shot, and slowly gains confidence over his tormentor Deke (Ty Bryan) by beating up a mugger ("The Rock" Johnson) in a poorly-lit New York alley. Cue numerous gratuitous and pointless cameos from Lou Pearlman's various employees, friends, and well-wishers.

We are back…. now for Your Stupid Minds's 150th episode! Since we've gotten into the habit of releasing episodes featuring Neil Breen movies at fifty episode intervals (see: Fateful Findings, Double Down), we had to wait until Nick's $30 standard definition DVD copy of his latest film, Twisted Pair, arrived via USPS from the Breen's Las Vegas estate.

Neil Breen plays twins Cade and Cale Altair, who were taken by aliens at birth and imbued with AI Intelligence superpowers that make them jump really high and unconvincingly. They are returned to earth to a secret agency in order to protect stock footage soldiers from gif explosions. While Cade excels, Cale flounders and grows a fake beard.

Since this is where the voice over ends in the film, the rest of the synopsis gets a little hazy. Cade stalks a college campus at night, while Cale kidnaps evil corporate greed corporate business men and tortures them. The twins each have girlfriends who look remarkably similar in sparse lighting. Also starring Astro-Eagle and Brad Stein as Dectective (sic).

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (we always say that) to cover a movie that, as Mary Berry likes to say, ticks all the boxes. Roger Cormon, Jim Wynorski, '80s, swords and sandals, buff dudes, John Lazar… Deathstalker II has it all!

Deathstalker (John Terlesky) helps out a seer/princess Reena/Evie (Monique Gabrielle) regain her throne after the evil Jarek the Sorcerer (John Lazar) seizes the throne and clones an evil version of the princess to serve as his princess queen. Deathstalker is a swaggering mercenary who reluctantly goes on the mission, but stops a few times for side quests involving cemetery jewels. There are also amazons, nudity, wrestling, dwarves, bar fights, and a matter transmitting video phone bog.

Your Stupid Minds starts a new life... under the sea! Just in time for DC Comics' aquatic superhero movie, and (probably) two years before Disney makes an embarrassing remake of The Little Mermaid, it's the Walgreens genetic brand The Little Mermaid! Armando Gutierrez is a "banker, political consultant, and entrepreneur," who decided he should also become a movie producer after producing and appearing in Walt Before Mickey, a film version of a negative bio of Walt Disney. Armando teamed up with Blake Harris (writer, 12 Dates of Christmas), to make a public domain version of the Little Mermaid!

Near-fatal cat infections and paternity leave is over, so after a brief hiatus, we are back! Chris's recuperation involved a trip to scenic New England, where he saw an old building once owned by Benedict Arnold (great-grandfather of the guy you're thinking of). A Google Maps search revealed a strange museum dedicated to the building. Friend of the show Sarah Long (guest on American Strays, .com for Murder) mentioned that the owner of the museum produced a movie! So we watched it!

You, you are allowed, you are invited to check out our newest episode of Your Stupid Minds! After last episode's ghostly boat adventure, we head back to the open seas with 1988's Uninvited.

Wall Street wiz Walter Graham (Ted Kord, Archangel from Airwolf and one of the bad guys in Street Asylum) and his partner (George Kennedy) have a vague, illegal plan that the SEC is investigating, and the only thing they have to do to become ultra-rich is take Graham's yacht from Fort Lauderdale to the Cayman Islands. As a front, they pick up two spring break babes, and the trio of dudes the babes recruit to make sure they're never alone with gross old men.

Along with the ship's captain Rachel (Toni Hudson, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III), the gang also decides to bring a cat: unfortunately, as a result of genetic experiments (?) a monster comes out of the cat and poisons people's blood when he bites them (???).

Join us as we discuss how this cat's demon powers work, guess at George Kennedy's shooting schedule, and more! Plus, Chris brings a new pet into his home. What could go wrong?

Your Stupid Minds is back with a very special guest, Vanessa of the Square Roots Classic RPG Podcast! She brought a Blu-ray from her collection with her, 2002's Ghost Ship!

Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies, Isaiah Washington, a young Karl Urban, and two guys you don't know are back from a successful boat salvage when mysterious stranger Jack Ferriman (Desmond Harrington from Dexter) offers them an opportunity to salvage a boat in the Bering Sea.

The crew reluctantly take the opportunity to salvage a "ghost ship," but quickly run into spooky doings a transpiring when Margulies spies adorable child-ghost Katie (Emily Browning of Sucker Punch). Among a bunch of spooky red flags, Ferriman discovers a bunch of gold in storage. What a lucky coincidence that surely won't end in the death of most of the crew!

By popular demand, Your Stupid Minds finally does Brenda Starr, the troubled Golan-Globus based-on-a-comic-strip-no-one-read film shot in 1986, completed in 1989, and released in 1992 about a hotshot reporter.

Brenda Starr (Brooke Shields) is a star(r) reporter at the New York Flash. After getting the scoop on a German/Irish gangster Donovan O'Shea that results in her being hospitalized, her editor sends her on a mission to get the scoop on a rumored new water-based super fuel. She gets a tip from mysterious eye-patched beau Basil St. John (Timothy Dalton) and goes to Brazil by way of Puerto Rico.

Meanwhile, a number of people are on her tail, including Soviet spies, rival reporter Libby 'Lips' Lipscomb (Diana Scarwid), and her own cartoonist from the real world Mike (Tony Peck, son of Gregory). What results is some hijinks involving capoeira, an alligator with a cigar, and Jeffrey Tambor.

Your Stupid Minds reviews the movie that critics DON'T want you to see, the years-in-the-making pro mafia propaganda film starring a dimming Hollywood star: Gotti!

John Travolta assumes the titular role in some of the best wig work of his career. John Gotti is a low-level goon in the Gambino crime syndicate who gets the opportunity to move up the ranks through a targeted assassination. He kills the guy but completely borks the killing and goes to jail for the crime. He spends the rest of the movie in and out of prison, squinting and assuming a horrible accent, yelling at his kids, yelling at his underlings, telling horrible jokes, killing his boss in an unsanctioned hit, being the boss for a while, and dying in prison. The movie determines this man is a hero.

Also starring Travolta's wife Kelly Preston as scenery-chewing Victoria Gotti, and Spencer Rocco Lofranco as John Gotti Jr., which the movie inexplicably becomes about after Gotti Sr.'s death. Since Gotti Jr. consulted heavily on the film, the entire experience reads like a love letter to poorly implemented and flamboyantly executed crime, without actually showing what the mob does to earn money. Directed by Kevin Connolly (E from Entourage) with a disjointed mix of voice over, flash back, and 30 second nonsense scenes that go nowhere.