Your Stupid Minds

Another early 90s moral decay police brutality movie with fascist overtones and mild sci-fi elements, it's 1990's Street Asylum, from director Gregory Dark, the man who brought you such classics as New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, Let Me Tell Ya 'Bout White Chicks, and Mandy Moore's "Walk Me Home" music video (she presumably wants to have you walk her home so she isn't murdered by cops).

Arliss Ryder (Wings Hauser, again) is a good cop wanting to do better, so after getting shot in the lower back he joins the police S.Q.U.A.D. of psychotic aggressive cops who murder innocent people, created by mayoral candidate Jim Miller (played by Watergate break-in mastermind G. Gordon Liddy). When his maniac partners—including a giggling sexual predator known as "Joker" (Sy Richardson)—repeatedly murder innocent people and then commit suicide, Ryder begins to suspect something is up.

It turns out the cops have mind-controlling microchips implanted in their lower spines that make them have persistent 'roid rage, and Ryder is determined to stop it at all costs, even if that cost is to dress his girlfriend up in bondage gear to seduce a mustachioed politician.

For no particular reason, here's 2008's Made of Honor, a romantic comedy starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, and Kadeem "Dwayne Wayne" Hardison.

Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (Monaghan) meet in college when Tom nearly sexually assaults Hannah in a hilarious mistaken identity late 90s Halloween Bill Clinton related dorm prank. They exchange witty Hepburn/Tracy like banter and become best of friends. Ten years later, in the common day of pre-recession flip phone 2008, she's a curator at the Met and he invented those coffee cup caddies and does nothing. She goes away to Scotland for work, and in that time falls in love with Scottish Duke Colin (Kevin McKidd), and Tom realizes he's in love with her. She asks him to be her maid (made?) of honor. Hijinks ensue. Colin has a huge penis.

Your Stupid Minds delves into the depths of Amazon Prime to find a scratchy VHS transfer television edit (for a channel that doesn't exist) of 1991's Blood Money (a.k.a. The Killer's Edge). Starring Wings Hauser (father of Cole), Academy Award nominee Karen Black (Five Easy Pieces, Nashville), and catcher's mitt face himself, the late Robert Z'Dar (Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker).

Jack (Hauser) is a homicidal alcoholic with crippling PTSD, but he's a cop so he's the good guy. Miller (Z'Dar) is a wannabe mob boss who raids a counterfeit operation to nab millions in fake bills. Jack and his line-flubbing partner Burt (Joe Palese) must track down the perpetrators. It turns out Jack and Miller are old army buddies from 'nam. Can Jack catch him in time? Will he get over his overwhelming toxic masculinity, alcoholism, violent tendencies, probable body odor, and general insecurity? Was that siren in the soundtrack for a reason, or did they just film on the street?

Well after its Easter weekend release, Your Stupid Minds reviews the third and latest (final?) film in the God's Not Dead franchise: God's Not Dead: A Light in Darkness.

Pastor Dave (David A.R. White) is released from prison after the last film's pointless cliffhanger. The movie continues on a different path toward proving the existence of God: A struggle with a rural college over the presence of his church on campus. People are upset, for some reason, that they just discovered a church has been there for 150 years, and decide to protest vociferously. When a vandal accidentally blows up the church and kills Dave's co-pastor and BFF Pastor Jude (Benjamin A. Onyango), the college uses this opportunity (?) to shut it down. Dave engages in an eternal struggle for survival, with his secular social justice lawyer brother Pearce (John Corbett) at the front line. "Featuring" "special" "guest" comedian Ricky Gervais.

Your Stupid Minds once again takes on a Cannon Picture (and separately, a movie somewhat focused on submission/domination) with 1987's Gor, based on the fetishist fantasy science fiction books by John Norman.

Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is a college professor whose lectures focus on magic rings that transport people to Counter-Earth, a planet that lies on the opposite side of Earth's orbit and perpetually masked by the sun. After his girlfriend breaks up with him, Cabot gets into a car accident and is transported to Counter-Earth, also known as Gor. It is a savage land of prehistoric people with primitive weapons, dirty/sexy loin cloths, and slave women. Cabot must find the Home Stone (that looks like a giant Pop Rock) in order to get back to earth. Also a dwarf is there.

Your Stupid Minds "celebrates" to release of Eli Roth's Death Wish with a review of... not a Death Wish movie. Rather, prime yourself with our Death Wish 3 review and dig in to a non-Cannon Charles Bronson classic: The Evil That Men Do.

Based on a not-so-good R. Lance Hill novel of the same name, Clement Molloch (Joseph Maher) is a war criminal and torture expert known as "The Doctor." He contracts out himself to brutal dictatorships and enacts creative and gruesome ways to murder people. When he kills dissident journalist Jorge Hidalgo (Jorge Humberto Robles), ex-CIA assassin Holland (Charles Bronson) takes the case of revenge.

A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (Lana's meathead boyfriend) wants revenge on Christian and Ana! Because they ruined his career after he attempted sexual assault? No, a much dumber reason!

Join us as we get progressively madder at action-interrupting ski lodge visits, wonder at the very obvious storylines for G-list characters cut down to single lines, and struggle to keep track of who is who in a movie composed entirely of blandly attractive people with no interesting traits.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its stunt casting double feature with the 1996 direct-to-video movie Breakaway, "starring" shamed figure skating star Tonya Harding. The sassy quotation marks are because she's barely in the movie and her character serves almost no purpose.

Myra (Teri Fruichantie) is a mob courier who goes out on her last job. Her boss doesn't like that very much and instructs his nephew Nicky (Michael Garganese) to kill her. She escapes, along with the $300,000 she retrieved, and pretends to be on a blind date with anthropology professor Dan (Tony Noakes) for no reason at all in order to escape. To finish the job, the mob boss hires a second hitman Grey (Joe Estevez) and everything goes wrong at once. There are also mobsters playing basketball in suits. And Tonya Harding kicks some guys.

Your Stupid Minds presents a '90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper, which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mouse. They try to recover the last piece of a superweapon microchip, while she struggles to stay alive. There are also 2.5 sex scenes in this movie.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its series and the year with ABC Family's 12 Dates of Christmas starring Amy Smart and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Kate (Smart) is a single thirtysomething jerk who is trying to get back together with her ex-boyfriend during the holidays. While shopping for an expensive present for him, she is spritzed in the face with perfume by a careless clerk and knocked unconscious. She wakes up and goes on with her day, only to relive Christmas Eve over and over in a fashion that in no way resembles another famous movie where a jerk relives the same holiday over and over. Can she get back with her ex? Or will she find true love with her hunky widower park designer/youth orphan hockey coach blind date Miles (Gosselaar)? We think you already know the answer.