In this week’s episode, I am talking with Paul DeBerry of The King of DeBerry’s Podcast and the men’s support group Rebuilding Men in Richmond, VA. Paul was kind enough to talk about his story of his marriage and subsequent separation and pending divorce. He takes us through his journey of love and loss and how he was able to navigate the most trying time of his life.

One of the things Paul mentions in this interview is his experience with therapy as a young man. He stated that he and his wife went to couples therapy together. Once he saw that the relationship was no longer viable, he continued to attend therapy to help with his healing and personal growth. This is the biggest take away from this episode! He wanted to be healthy emotionally for himself and his daughter; not just to get his woman back. Paul also took his experiences and created a men’s group called Rebuilding Men here in Richmond, Virginia. His group focuses on all kinds of topics related to manhood and it meets monthly at the local library.

Paul decided to birth out of his pain and experience a group that can now offer support to other men who may be going through something similar to assist them with processing through their pain and to have a safe, open space to talk about it. This is what many men have been lacking. Statistically, it has been shown that men don’t have the emotional support that women do and they tend to repress their thoughts and feelings instead of talking about them.

Check out Paul’s social media accounts to connect with him and find out more about his men’s group, Rebuilding Men and his podcast!

Instagram: @kingofdeberrys

Instagram: @freshheir1

Instagram: @rebuildingmen

Facebook: Paul DeBerry

In this week’s episode of the podcast, I am talking with Shon Hyneman on “Three Reasons Why Men Don’t Want To Marry Today”. Man Crush Month continues with a conversation with a former podcaster on what’s happened to marriage amongst men today. Shon was the host of his own podcast “The Doctor of Love Show” on Google Play. He is a dedicated father and husband who puts his family first.

As you all know, I am an absolute advocate for marriage! I believe that this value has been missing in our culture for some time now and many people, especially millennials, don’t even see the value of getting married. Many of them tell me how “old fashioned” And “antiquated” it is. They see it has something that causes more harm (especially financially!) than good! I want to change that narrative for my listeners.

There are so many benefits of being married; especially to the RIGHT person for you! The Bible tells us that “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? ” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I hope you enjoy this conversation that I had with Shon and please be sure to connect with him!

Snapchat: Shon.Hyneman

Here is a link to a tweet that went viral on how Shon met his wife on Instagram two years ago. It can be seen here https://bit.ly/2Qrh9mq

Here’s the link to Shon’s site for his books and free video downloads. https://lovedoctorshow.selz.com

Watch “Why Men and Women Miscommunicate” on Vimeo: https://vimeo.com/196175204?ref=em-share

Check out Shon’s book “WISDOM: Preventing Problems Before They Happen” on Amazon here!

Check out Shon’s other books on Amazon here!

This week, we are continuing our MCM (Man Crush Month!) interviews with singer, songwriter, and producer Lennox Armstrong. Lennox is from Brooklyn, New York and attended Hampton University here in Virginia. He is currently living in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife. We had a wonderful conversation about the current state of music and how the music today has completely changed the way people view love and relationships!

Lennox shared his personal story and discussed his take on music from years ago and how music has changed and right along with it, how people now view love. So much of the R&B music out today is toxic and it supports some of the nonsense that we are seeing played out in dating and relationships. Cheating and sexual escapades are glorified among men and women! Many of the songs talk about the “hook-up” culture as if this is the normal expectation from dating. Love and commitment have definitely taken a back seat! Gone are the days of men “regretting losing their woman” and begging to have her back!

Lennox writes and performs true soul music. What stronger, lasting and resilient purpose for art than to be a source of cathartic healing. So goes the music of tenor singer/songwriter Lennox Armstrong, making his long-awaited recording debut with Music Therapy, an illuminatingly autobiographical soul sojourn into rarer areas of love, relationships…and rebirth. Lennox brings a grown man’s perspective lyrically and an artisan’s touch musically, graced with the empathetic production in collaboration with Bob Baldwin. The result delivers songs that resonate with truth and soul all but missing from today’s airwaves.

Please check out Lennox’s latest music and take a look at some of his music videos on his website here.

You can pre-order his EP on the website which is due out on February 14th, 2020, just in time for Valentine’s Day! You will NOT be disappointed.

Head over to Facebook and follow Lennox’s page: https://www.facebook.com/MusicbyLennox/

Follow Lennox on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/xonnellennox

 

We are in MCM (Man Crush Month)!

Finally, we are in Man Crush Month on the podcast and I am super excited to be bringing you some really wonderful male guests on the show. In this week’s episode, I have the pleasure of talking with Micheal Vilches of the Man Under Construction Podcast. I came across Micheal’s platform on Instagram and then went over to Stitcher to listen to a few of his episodes.

So, I had to ask the question “Is pornography harmless entertainment?” Well, Michael and I talked at length about this topic and I got to hear all about his story and what inspired him to start the Man Under Construction Podcast. Please head on over to Anchor.fm and check out his podcast. There you can also support the podcast with a monthly contribution!

Please follow Man Under Construction Podcast on Instagram: @man_under_construction

Here is the best information I can give you about the dangers of pornography. It’s one of my favorite websites called Fight The New Drug. It has some of the best clinical research and information on pornography and also how to get help with recovery. Check it out HERE.

 

In this week’s end of year episode, I am discussing “toxic femininity”. I can hardly believe the year is over and I am just now talking about this topic. This has truly been the year of addressing “toxic masculinity” and all things narcissism! I believe that men were able to come to terms with some unhealthy mental and emotional ways that the culture has placed on them for many years and they are ready to do something about it. I myself had a surge of male clients coming in to address some long-hidden traumas and childhood wounds that are holding them back from living the best life for them.

Now, ladies I believe it’s your turn as well to address some past hurts (especially in relationships!) that may be holding you back in life and in love! This year, we saw lots of influencers talking about “hypergamy” and leaving the “dusties” behind! While I agree that women would do best by waiting for a man that is worthy of them, I also believe that women should be working on themselves as well. Many women have issues from childhood (mother and father “wounds”) that need to be addressed and healed. They have also grown weary of the dating and relationship game (and rightly so with the “hook-up culture and unrealistic expectations).

I myself in my twenties definitely had some toxic traits and it stemmed from having an emotionally unavailable father who while I knew him my whole life and at one point in time lived with him, I was constantly seeking his unconditional love and approval. After my divorce, I was finally able to do the work needed to begin to heal those “father wounds” and to start working on being the best woman I could be. Increasing my self-esteem and confidence and pursuing my passion all helped me to see who I really could be with time and work. My faith has also played an integral role in me loving and accepting myself, flaws and all! If you find that you are struggling with any of the symptoms I am discussing in this episode, get help from a professional therapist or join a counseling group (or start your own!). When you get healthy and whole, you will begin to attract a loving, emotionally healthy masculine man to give to you and do for you! Great love really does begin with you! Don’t ever forget that.

Here are some great articles on The Jezebel Spirit that I discuss in the podcast. I am also going to link to a YouTube video from a friend of mine who also discusses this concept of The Jezebel Spirit.

https://www.dephnemadyara.com/25traitsofajezebelspirit/

https://www.theaquilareport.com/10-things-you-should-know-about-the-jezebel-spirit/

Dr. Sophia Reed, PhD of Sophie-sticated Mom Blog on the Jezebel Spirit.

 

In this week’s special Christmas episode of the podcast, I am breaking down why Joseph is the man of your dreams! He was a righteous man, the Bible tells us as he did not want to publicly shame Mary when he found out that she was pregnant and the child was not his. He also struggled with what to do about his engagement to her as he loved her deeply. After being told by God’s angel to take her and his wife, he listened and did just that! He was instrumental in raising Jesus up as a man and he was obedient to the Lord. Joseph, I believe, had the one trait that relationship expert Ty Tashiro says we should look for in a romantic partner.

Ty Tashiro, a professor at the Center for Addictions, Personality, and Emotion Research at The University of Maryland wrote a book called “The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love”. In it, he states that we should focus on just THREE qualities or traits when choosing a partner. Statistically, when we go over that number, we are running the risk of LOWERING our chances of finding a compatible match. The number one trait we should be prioritizing is agreeableness. Yes, a partner who is courteous, flexible, trusting, good-natured, cooperative, forgiving, soft-hearted and tolerant. I know it doesn’t sound sexy, but if you’re looking to mate for the long term, then this trumps everything else!

I have also talked with my coaching clients about focusing on the top three qualities they MUST have to feel happy and safe with their partner, and this one may be at the top of the list. Finding a man that is kind, over just being “nice”. Check out the full article here.

In this week’s episode, I am discussing the reasons why love is NOT enough to sustain a healthy, happy, long term romantic relationship. For years, there was this belief that if two people loved each other that this was all they needed to have a great relationship. We now know that this is a myth. Healthy, functional relationships and marriages take so much more than love and chemistry and connection. Many people don’t have the proper skills to communicate effectively with each other or the conflict resolution skills to manage the hard times.

Couples put too much emphasis on having that “spark” or “butterflies” with someone. Focusing on the relationship you want to have FIRST, and then finding the person who you can have that relationship with makes more sense in the long term. And studies have shown that you can develop an attraction for a person after getting to know them better and determining that they possess characteristics that you respect and esteem. Remember, I often say that we need equal parts love, chemistry and attraction AND all the ways the relationship makes sense! The person is able to meet some basic needs that you have for a healthy partner as well as feeling a deep connection and chemistry.

Much of this discussion today was taken from a book I have read many times by Sol Gordon, Ph.D. called “Why Love Is Not Enough”. This book was written in 1998 but much of the information in it is still very relevant today. Check it out here on Amazon today.

In this week’s episode, I’m doing this one for my guys! It is all about becoming a comprehensive masculine man. Remember, we all have masculine and feminine energy inside of us. Learning how to balance those energies in a healthy way is important to remain emotionally healthy and whole. Our society for a long time only gave men license to express two emotions; anger and lust. Anything else could get you called “soft” or “weak”. Even women have said that a man who cries or expresses fears is “not as attractive” to them. Thankfully, we are experiencing a shift in our culture and there are several men’s movements that are focused on mental health and embracing healthy masculinity.

I believe that a healthy masculine man has a purpose and a plan for his life. He is a leader and isn’t afraid to “go first” and yet, he also considers what others have to offer. He is wise to accept counsel from others who may actually have knowledge that he doesn’t and welcomes it. He requires respect from his woman and in return, he cherishes her feelings. He provides and protects the women, children, and animals in his life. He also doesn’t run from doing the “hard thing”. Take a listen to this episode and let me know what you think about it.

Here is the short list of books that I encourage my male clients to read to become a more balanced and comprehensive man.

“The Way of the Superior Man” by David Dieda

“The Truth About Men: What Men and Woman Need to Know” by Devon Franklin

“The Man Book” by Tony A. Gaskins

“Manhood 101: 101 Principles for Becoming a Better Man” by Eric M. Watterson

“The Manual To Manhood” by Jonathan Catherman

“Emotional Intelligence: For a Better Life, Success at Work, and Happier Relationships” by Brandon Goleman

Check out the article that I referenced in the podcast that came from the Gottman Institutes blog below.

“Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Are Key to a Long Lasting Marriage” by Kyle Benson, The Gottman Institute Blog

In this week’s episode, I am discussing the Five Love Languages and how you can utilize this with your romantic partner and everyone else in your life. Many people are familiar with the book written by Dr. Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages- The Secret to Love That Lasts”. In it, he discusses the five ways that people FEEL love from others. They include 1) Acts of Service, 2) Physical Touch, 3) Words of Affirmation, 4) Quality Time, and 5) Receiving Gifts.

What is most important to remember when we are talking about love languages is that they are SACRIFICIAL. That means that we will do what the other person needs for them to feel loved. So many times, I am working with couples who say things like “I’m just not physically affectionate” or “I am not good with words”. Most people will give love the way they most want to receive it. That may not be the best way for your partner to feel your love, so practice giving love the way your partner, or your friend, or your child needs to receive it.

Check out Dr, Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts” on Amazon today!

 

In this week’s episode, I’m talking to you about the most DANGEROUS males that a woman can come across. I use the term “male” because I have a whole different definition of what a real MAN is! These males should be avoided at all costs as they mean you no good. They will waste your valuable time and will do nothing but distract you from having the life and relationship that you really want. They will always put THEIR needs and wants first and are not healthy, emotionally safe, masculine men. You may recognize some of them. You may have even dated or been in a relationship with one of them. Life is about learning and growing, so hopefully, you figured out early on that these types of males just don’t make good boyfriends or husbands and move on to something bigger and better!

If you have ever dealt with any of these males, this episode does not serve to make you feel ashamed, regretful or resentful. There is no judgment here; we’ve all fell for the charismatic, smooth-talking guy who gave us butterflies. This simply serves as a gentle reminder to NEVER get caught up with these types of men again! See the signs early on and just know that no matter what you do or say, you will not wave a magic wand and change him nor should you attempt to save him! Remember, he must do that himself, without your assistance or input (heck, or maybe even your presence!)

Remember my beautiful, charming feminine queen, you always put yourself FIRST and you focus on the type of relationship you want to have and then assess the man to see if he can give that to you! Your wants and needs are just as important as anyone else’s. You deserve to be happy and loved and fulfilled, so make that your number one priority! Love yourself first, and then decide who you will share that love with. Qualify the man to be sure that he is deserving of that love because he can’t get it like this from anyone else. There is only ONE adorable you!