Sexual desire, or libidos, naturally ebb and flow. Sometimes over a course of a single day. So one of the most common challenges that couples face in relationships is a loss of desire or mismatched libidos. Often in these situations, sex begins to feel like a chore or a performance, which leads to further avoidance.

On this Sex FAQs episode, Sara and relationship coach, Valentina Tudose from Happy Ever After tackle common questions crowdsourced from listeners around the topics of desire, and how to take sex from performance to pleasure:

1. "How can we restart our sex life after having a baby? I'm in the mood more often than my wife, but hesitant to bring it up with her as I'm afraid it will lead to conflict."
2. "I have a far stronger libido than my partner. When we do have sex, it tends to be the same every time, without much enthusiasm and passion. We've talked about it but she just doesn't have the same interest in it that I do."
3. "I've always thought of sex as a performance and for my partner's pleasure rather than myself. When my partner asks me what I want, I find myself not knowing what I want as well. Is there anything that can help him and us?"
4. "I used to enjoy sex but find myself avoiding it because it feels like too much hard work and gives me very little pleasure. I focus so much on not coming too fast that it takes me ages to get there and I sometimes just give up. What can I do to learn to enjoy it again?"
5. "I have been trying to get my wife pregnant but it seems my body disagrees. I am having trouble getting hard and when it happens, it only lasts a short time. Please help."

Valentina and Sara talk about broadening the experience of sex beyond just orgasm, and approaching it with a sense of curiosity, fun and playfulness. Adopting a "performance mindset" around sex (i.e. reaching orgasm) usually results in unsatisfying sex, and lead to couples overlooking other ways of building physical and emotional intimacy.

We also discuss strategies for couples to introduce novelty, explore each other's bodies, and take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure. After all, sexual desire is built on the assumption that you're having the kind of sex that is worth craving!

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