October 16, 2023

310: ⏫️ Bee A. revisits

2 hours 21 minutes

1️⃣ Take a nap, let me tie your shoes. And James solo.
***
2️⃣ Internal plate smashing w/ The Compassionate One.

🔹 Parts:

1️⃣ P: The cotton ball, fog, shut it down, take it nap, resembles my mother. "This is too much for you, lemme tie your shoes for you... You don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t even follow instructions. You’re not smart enough you’re not strong enough you are handicapped. If you try you’ll fail, disappointed."

P: Will crush hope! Thinks im 9 or 10 Would rather play and discover. Does it all have to be so serious?

P: Mother. Needy! If I give you space you’ll shut me out. You’ll never listen to me

E: Part that feels weak. Can’t you see me? Screaming. I wanna try and believe but they’re all waiting on me to fail. Will you let me try?

***

2️⃣ P: “You can’t be who you are Or everyone’s gonna leave you”. You don’t know how serious this is, you’re gonna make it worse. Better to avoid it. They’re gonna find out how needy you are. Fraud. Thinks im pre pubescent

P: Fuzzy fog (see last call)

E: “Other lives depended on me giving up mine. And if they find out what I gave up, they won’t like me” She wants freedom to write, do art, with no expectations

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

1️⃣ I realized after she came back from break: I *was* talking because she wasn’t! Relieved.
***
2️⃣ I was starting to lose it after the plates there... sometimes I forget it’s a podcast and I'm supposed to make words come out.

Otherwise I was unusually explanatory and lead-y but from the very start of this call (and others) I feel like her system is rather trusting/deferring to me. So I'm speaking to the audience *in her*. In fact that might have been a personal record for induction.

There’s some other context from our convos that makes me feel more comfortable leading even when she’s blended / emotional. Not saying any of that’s a good thing, just noticing.

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