It would be off brand to open with anything other than hair talk, so Caroline gets right to critiquing her new haircut, which is unfortunately more Brooklyn hipster than it is American Girl doll. This triggers memories of eyebrow and leg hair shame from middle and high school, setting the groundwork for the rest of the episode: everything is a lie.

Starting with the lies that people tell about romance in their long-term relationships! Jess can't stand it, so she insists on sharing how she and her boyfriend have recently found connection in the mundane, including a story about dumpster diving plus video game foreplay. Meanwhile, Caroline's done keeping her recent fantasies to herself. Being breastfed by a man is nourishing and gender-bending, her boyfriend gets very small and very far sometimes, and most importantly she cannot marry Jess even though it's all scheduled and everything. Marriage is a scam but we like it!

Dunkin cold cream is actually whipped cream which is actually cold foam. Claw clips are fertile (even earthen) ground for disagreement. And playing sports in high school is not a personality. Neither are Jess's college a cappella days, but the difference is she'll tell you she's cute - no questions asked.

Finally, a game of Super Theoreticals inspires a conversation about avoiding sadness at all costs, only to get horny thinking about Lion King moments later, and that's just what you get on NFE!

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This episode was edited by none other than our prince, Abi Newhouse. DM her for your audio editing needs!

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Intro Music: “Doja Dance” by PALA

DISCLAIMER: All opinions are our own. We are not therapists or health professionals, or professional of any kind, really. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!