May 10, 2024

381: ⏫️ Mio A. revisits

2 hours 23 minutes

🔸 The cost of youthfulness; making sense of “You’re ugly”
2️⃣ The precious house, where the little girl was almost strangled to death.

🔹 Parts:

P Everything is my fault, im a monster, im selfish.

P Afraid of change, the new relationship, having someone say he loves me

P ”I'm able to make somebody feel good??” Afraid I will soar too high

P/E? I’ll go under if someone leaves (and if i'm not ugly).

E knotted up, fear stricken, awaiting ultimate punishment. Nothing stays, nothing to hold on to, everything leaves. Maybe 5-8

2️⃣

Ice cold exclusion, utter despair and pain

Panic: “if he sees behind the mask, sees how ugly I am, then he will leave me too”

E: 6, 7, 8 - grandma disappearing is all my fault. Taking on gaurdian's shame. Have to put on a mask to show the world What a good granddaughter I am, Grandad and mom never talked to me about it. Nasty kettle. Bottomless guilt. Mom will do anything to tame that strong will. Wants a desert, place without walls, nothing hard, without judgement, can sink into sand.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Don’t know. Maybe not much. Felt bad ending the call where we did but it didn’t seem too disruptive. Not sure how to handle when a part says “don’t leave” and I'm like “ok time to go”. I’ll try to get Mio in again soon, but I'm also curious how she handles it on her own.

2️⃣

Kept my foot on the gas the whole time; not stopping to check with every protector. Felt right.

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