Has anyone ever told you that boundaries are selfish? Some people might claim that your boundaries are too “harsh” or “rigid,” or that boundaries are “wrong” or even “evil.” ( Yes, really!) In this episode, I’ll explore several explanations for why people might react this way, and truth about boundaries and selfishness.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #44:

• The least pathological explanation for why someone might think boundaries are selfish is that they simply don't understand what boundaries are. If someone has a strong distaste for boundaries, it’s likely they just don't understand what boundaries are.
• Another explanation for why someone might tell you that boundaries are selfish has to do with manipulation or control. The person on the receiving end of a boundary might complain that the boundary blocks intimacy, which is often a manipulation strategy.
• Nobody owes another person physical or sexual intimacy, or access to their body on demand. This is true even in intimate relationships and marriages. Boundaries around physical or sexual contact are non-negotiable, and are not selfish.
• Here are four reasons why boundaries are not selfish: they create safety, they create clear communication, they help you understand (and choose) how close you want to be to another person, and they let you become more relational.

Highlights from Episode #44:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about the question of whether or not boundaries are selfish. [00:39]
• We learn about the least pathological explanation for why someone might think that boundaries are selfish. [02:19]
• Vicki shares a story and some examples that illustrate boundaries as reasonable and necessary. [04:54]
• We hear more about a problematic explanation for why someone might tell you that your boundaries are wrong or selfish. [07:43]
• Sometimes the person on the receiving end of a boundary will complain that the boundary is blocking intimacy. [09:07]
• Vicki points out a problem with telling someone that their boundaries are blocking intimacy. [11:33]
• We learn four reasons why boundaries are not selfish. [12:50]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Sheri Winston