Former Sports Illustrated and ESPN journalist Ivan Maisel spent the bulk of his life holding big emotions at bay, and turning to run at the first sign of emotional pain. It was behavior learned from years of watching his parents, who valued strength and stoicism in the face of tragedy, which Maisel himself successfully dodged for 55 years. Then his son Max went missing, and everything changed.

On this episode of Paternal, Maisel discusses his 2021 memoir I Keep Trying To Catch His Eye and reflects on his role as a father to Max, who struggled with social anxiety and resided “somewhere on the learning disorder spectrum.” Maisel strained at times to connect with his son and leaned heavily on empathy and a hope that Max would one day find his people, and his place in the world. But when that expectation goes unfulfilled, how will Maisel cope with the kinds of emotions he’s been running from for years?

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