A Way Beyond the Rainbow

This is part I of a 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we discuss what addiction is, from physiological, emotional and personal perspectives. We  also look at the damaging effects of porn and the horrifying realities associated with the porn industry.

Do I have a compulsive sexual behavior disorder? How does compulsive porn use, masturbation or sexually acting out affect the physiology of my brain and nervous system and lead to addiction? Other than physiology, what are other important aspects of addiction to take into account so we can understand our behaviors and habits? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins
- The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide To Understanding And Ending Pornography Addiction For Men by Andrew Ferebee
- The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn
- Pornified: How Pornography is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships and Our Families by Pamela Paul
- Resources from Dr. Patrick Carnes: official website and online assessment tests
- "Your Brain On Porn" official website
- "Fight the New Drug" official website
- TED talk “Why I stopped watching porn” by Ran Gavrieli
- TED talk “Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong” by Johann Hari

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In this episode, we explore the topic of masturbation comprehensively, from its legal (fiqh), physiological and psychological angles, taking into consideration particular complexities and nuances relevant to men and women dealing with same-sex attractions. We also discuss practical tips and tools to help us keep masturbation in check in our lives.

Under what conditions can masturbation be considered haram or halal? What are the benefits and harms of masturbation? If a single man or woman dealing with same-sex attractions needs a "sexual release", would masturbation be safe and acceptable? How can we deal with compulsive masturbation? What are some recommendations to help us curb our desires and keep such habit in check? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Fiqh al-Sunnah (فقه السنّة) by al-Sayyid Sābiq (Arabic)
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam by Sh. Yasir Qadhi
- TED talk “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit” by Judson Brewer
- SA, Sexaholics Anonymous webpage
- No Fap website

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In this episode, we explore together some of the ripple effects of the sexual revolution and gay liberation movement, discuss the nature of morality in Islam, and introduce relevant sexual ethics and gender norms within Islam based on the male-female dichotomy.

What are some of the tangible effects of the sexual revolution that we witness nowadays? How do we understand morality, sexuality and gender norms within an Islamic framework, and how does that contrast with the modern Western paradigm? Are there Islamic legal exceptions or special considerations for men and women dealing with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria when it comes to matters of morality and behavior with members of one's own gender? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used in this episode:
- "Boys will be Boys - Gender identity issues" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Fall of the Family" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Gender, Sexuality, Morality and Identity" webinar by Dr. Sharif El-Tobgui

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This is part II of a 2-episode series on setting boundaries. In this episode, Amina and I discuss setting boundaries with people who have narcissistic tendencies, how to prepare mentally for any pushback, and how to avoid being pulled into the arena of what many psychologists call "pathological narcissists".

What are some characteristics and behaviors of "pathological narcissists", and how might they behave when we start setting boundaries with them? How do I deal with parents, relatives, partners, friends or colleagues who have narcissistic and manipulative tendencies? How do I avoid being manipulated by them? If my parents are actually "pathological narcissists", how do I reconcile being dutiful to them while setting boundaries with them and avoiding their manipulation and mind games? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos: "Observe Don't Absorb" technique (example videos here and here), "Induced Conversation" (part I and part II), "Preparing for the Narcissistic Storm" and "12 Potent Tricks" of narcissists

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This is part I of a 2-episode series on setting boundaries. In this episode, Amina and I discuss what boundaries are, how to define your own boundaries, communicate them and maintain them, as well as techniques on how to say "no" and how to clearly communicate your needs  with others in your life.

Are my boundaries loose, rigid or flexible? What are the three main types of boundaries, and how can I assess these boundaries in my life? What is the difference between emotional dumping and venting? How do I communicate boundaries, say "no" to others and tell others how I feel and what I want/need without hurting them or second guessing myself? How do I deal with any backlash if it takes place? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency
- Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr. Aziz Gazipura 

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This is part II of a 2-episode series on healing codependency and emotional dependency. In this episode, Amina and I discuss how to reclaim our place and power in relationships, how to help men reclaim their masculinity, how to reconnect with our path and purpose, as well as how to begin to heal emotional dependency.

How do I feel more secure in my friendships and romantic relationships? How can a cost-benefit analysis help me continue with or sever a relationship? How can men dealing with codependency and/or same-sex attractions reclaim their sense of masculinity and feel like "men among other men"? How do I begin to chart my own path in life and connect with my purpose? How do I deal with procrastination along the way? If I am in an emotionally dependent relationship, is there hope for healing and growth, or should I sever that relationship altogether? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency
- "When Friendships Become Toxic: Understanding Emotional Dependency" webinar by Brothers Road

Additional resources (support groups, books):
- Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDa) international website
- The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents by Melody Beattle
- The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation by Melody Beattle
- You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent.: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma or Toxic Shaming Must know to have peace in their lives by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter
- The Road Back to Me: Healing and Recovering From Co-dependency, Addiction, Enabling, and Low Self Esteem by Lisa Romano
- Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency by Robert Weiss

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This is part I of a 2-episode series on healing codependency and emotional dependency. In this episode, Amina and I discuss how codependency shares similar traits with addiction, and we explore some of the goals, expectations and practical tips on the healing journey, starting with reclaiming our personal power.

How can I stop people pleasing and focus on my own growth instead? What aspects of self-care help me overcome  codependency and emotional dependency? Why are expressing feelings and boundary setting important on the healing journey, and how can we practice them in a safe environment? How can we let go of fear and practice surrender? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Video on "CoDependency and Addiction Recovery"
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency and self-love abundancy pyramids
- Ross Rosenberg's "Understanding Trauma and Rosenberg's HITCH", "Healing The Inner Trauma Child (HITCH) Method", and "Healing the Inner Trauma Child Psychotherapy Method"

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In our second episode in the series on attachments, codependency and emotional dependency, Amina and I discuss the mental, emotional and behavioral characteristics that many individuals dealing with codependency and/or emotional dependency tend to exhibit.

What is the difference between caring and care taking? Why do I avoid confrontation and resort to people pleasing? Why do I hide my mistakes and have an attitude of perfectionism? Why do I enjoy giving but struggle with receiving? Why do I struggle with being too enmeshed in my relationships or too avoidant? What's the difference between codependency and genuine empathy? These and other questions are explored in this episode. 

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg
- "The Difference Between Being an Empath & Being Codependent" video
- "When Friendships Become Toxic: Understanding Emotional Dependency" webinar by Brothers Road

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In a series of episodes on emotional attachments, dependency and codependency, my friend Amina joins me to discuss the origins and characteristics of these themes as well as relevant and practical healing and recovery work.

In this episode, we talk about the origins of attachment styles in adulthood,  the four styles of adult attachment, and we introduce the topic of codependency. Why am I anxious in my relationships with others? Why am I avoidant of commitment and intimacy? What is codependency and where does it come from? These and other questions are addressed in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency and self-love deficit disorder pyramids
- An explanation of Adult attachment styles 

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An important theme along the healing and recovery journey is inner child work and re-parenting. In this episode, we dive into childhood attachment theory, introduce the inner child, inner parent and inner adult, as well as the inner child archetypes, and we talk about practical tools of inner child work and the reparenting process.

Who is my inner child and how different is he/she from my inner adult? What does this kind of work have to do with the healing and recovery journey? How can I communicate with my inner child? How can I manage my emotional and sexual triggers using inner child work? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.

Resources used in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction by Richard Cohen
- Re-Parent Your Inner Child masterclass by DailyOM

Recommended books mentioned in the episode:
- Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw
- Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione
- Healing the Child Within by Dr. Charles Whitfield
- Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John Pollard
- The Inner Child Workbook by Cathryn Taylor
- Recovery from Codependency: It's Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood by Dr. Laurie Weiss and Dr. Jonathan Weiss
- Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci

Sample meditations for connecting with and healing the inner child:
- "Inner Child Meditation" by Dr. Nicole LePera
- "Healing the Inner Child" meditation by Andrew Johnson
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Selena Lael
- "Inner Child Healing Meditation: Self Love, Inner Power & Self Worth Affirmations" by Kenneth Soares
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Diane Linsley
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Oliver Jenkin
- "Healing Inner Child & Emotional Processing Meditation" by Erin Colleen Geraghty

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