I get a lot of problems about adoption, usually, but not always, from the adopters who are struggling but are mired in shame that they cannot cope. Once someone has been through the process of adoption it can be very hard for them to admit they are finding it tough. But in this podcast we also hear from an adoptee, because that's the other side that I hear from (and often a voice which is missing when adoption is discussed). When adoptees write to me, they often talk of constantly looking for something, as if something is missing, or they feel 'unlovable', no matter how much they are in fact loved. In turn they feel they can't talk about this for fear of upsetting their adoptive parents. And there's a narrative that adoptees are 'lucky' and 'chosen' which makes voicing any negative feelings very hard.

In this episode I talk to psychotherapist and adoption specialist Alison Roy who once said that parents who adopt children often have a 'three course meal of love prepared for the child, but the child can only handle a teaspoon at a time'. This phrase really resonated with my readers.

Alison's book is called A is for Adoption and it's a highly recommended read. She also recommends some other resources:

Books:

https://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/oct/22/top-10-books-about-adoption-chosen-by-adopted-children

Alison’s book A is For Adoption:

https://www.routledge.com/A-for-Adoption-An-Exploration-of-the-Adoption-Experience-for-Families-and/Roy/p/book/9780367439477

It Didn't Start With You - Mark Wolynn

The Primal Wound - Nancy Verrier

Why love matters by Sue Gerhardt

The Red Dust Road by Jackie Kay

Parenting Matters: Parenting a child with difficulties in learning caused by trauma

Respark by Dr Graham Music

The secret garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

How are you peeling by Saxton Freymann

Why be happy when you could be normal by Jeanette Winterson

Children and young people

feeling different - bullying: https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/54964969

Books about adoption for children/older children

The Unmapped Chronicles and Sky Song - Abi Elphinstone

Dragon Rider - Cornelia Funke

The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson-Burnett

The Northern Light Trilogy - Philip Pullman

The Polar Bear Explorer’s Club - Alex Bell

Websites and useful articles

How to win an argument with a teenager https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/07/how-to-win-an-argument-with-a-teenager

Coram BAAF https://corambaaf.org.uk

Adopt UK https://www.adoptionuk.org

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