Anything But Vanilla Podcast

God Damn you 2020. Yes, we said it. Or rather, we say it, time and time again, this year is just a huge flaming piece of trash. AND NOW????? You take away one little bright spot from our lives too? Why’d you have to do it? Huh? Why’d you have to go and take Jerry from us? That mat talk. That love. That positivity. That bright personality. It’s all gone. 2020, you done did us dirty, finally and officially. The ladies of ABV are throwing in t he towel, with this weeks disturbing and depressing news. But… what did we expect from this year anyway?

Welcome in to episode 75, where we officially hit the 3/4 century mark in terms of our episode count and are here to celebrate it with you- our dearest listeners. This week in review brings both the good (Fran is a blonde now and Claire enjoyed her backyard hangout with former ABV host Erica!) and the bad (Claire’s week overall was just pretty crappy and Fran has child crying PTSD/anxiety) News of the week  is breaking our hearts-Jerry (from the Netflix documentary Cheer) was charged with one count of production of child pornography and had violated, at least, 10 minor boys. He is being held in Jail without bail. Claire continues to bring the hardest hitting news to our listeners and this week is a doozy (Read Guinness Book of World Records). A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding his girlfriends relationship with his family. Is she controlling? Is his family judgmental? Is this advice seeker part of this problems? We think so. The ladies are sharing their 2020 coping strategies combatting the lows of this pandemic, this president and this shitty time,  in this weeks, “Ask Us Anything”. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a Sacramento, Black owned restaurant and another amazing Netflix doc.  Lastly, this weeks hater may be creeping around your local park. WATCH OUT!

 Fall Cider Sangria
2 1/2 c. apple cider 
3/4 c. brandy 
1/2 c. fresh clementine or orange juice
1/4 c. fresh lemon juice 
1 1-in piece fresh ginger, peeled and very thinly sliced 
2 tsp. orange bitters 
4 clementines, thinly sliced 
2 apples very thinly sliced 
Pomegranate seeds 
1 750ml bottle Prosecco or other dry sparkling wine 

Directions In a large pitcher, stir together cider, brandy, clementine juice, lemon juice, ginger and bitters. Stir in clementine and apple slices (you can refrigerate this mixture for up to a day). 1 When ready to serve, add Prosecco. Serve over ice with a few pomegranate seeds, if desired.

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Ooooooooooooo lala… what do vibrators, blowjobs and ABV have in common? All three get ya going and satisfy that itch that you just needed to be scratched, duh! This weeks episode is all about the saxxxxy times, so listeners (especially our mom s and family members) beware! Pop in your head phones, don’t let your kids listen and if this weeks episode title doesn’t get you buzzin' during these terrible times in our country and world, we just don’t know what will!

Welcome in to episode 74, where the vibrator content is bangin’ and the sex talk is dominating the episode.  This week in review brings listeners the good (fun times with friends getting bombed) and the bad (Fran needs sleep, its slowly breaking her). News of the week is  on the lighter side, during these heavy times Claire and Fran didn’t want to bring you down, so if you like having orgasms and everything fall related, this news is for you. A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her contentment in her relationship-sans sex. Do you believe her? The ladies might surprise you in their lack of hate. The ladies are sharing their most embarrassing vibrator stories in this weeks, ask us anything. And they are cringeworthy. Shit the ladies like this week is skin care and food, highly predictable.  Lastly, this weeks hater is here, lets’ stop obsessing over a babies weight, mmmmkay?

Craft Cocktails Hibiscus Ginger and Vodka. 
1 bottle Craft Cocktails Hibiscus Ginger
Add 12 oz vodka. 
Put in fridge for three days. 
Take two shots and add Fevertree Hibiscus tonic to your taste

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter c

Do you, dear listeners, have any awkward celebrities run Ins that make you cringe, make you sad or break your heart (In Fran's case) just a little bit? You don't? Well, let us set the scene... it is the mid 2000's, you have never heard of coronvirus, netflix was shipped vis USPS and you got to get trashed at your favorite local haunt on the regular. You don't have a care in the world. Your childhood celebrity crush walks up to you at said bar and propositions you for some bathroom sex. Do you A) take said celebrity crush up on this offer and get down and dirty In the bathroom. B) politely decline his offer, but Instead give him some hot and heavy kisses. C) Tell that fool, give me your wallet and proceed to get kicked out the bar all by your damn self. If you haven't guessed yet, Claire chose C.

Welcome in to episode 73, where the ladies are trying not to depressed by the state of this world and have been dodging c-list celebrity bullets, like it's their JOBS since '05. This week in review brings listeners the smoke free skies (friend hangouts and mini vacations) and the terrible AQI's (Vacations are the worst with Infants, are we right?). News of the week is coming at you from Universities hiring college "Influencers" to help establish safety protocols on campus and to make It look "cool". Fran also decided to share a weird article about tickling being child abuse, so there's that.  A listener is seeking our advice on how to handle a situation, where she doesn't really care for the said friends' child. Once again, we shit on a listener, great. The ladies are sharing their awkward, sad and cringe worthy celebrity run-ins in this weeks, ask us anything.  The gals are continuing to share shit they like and this week it is art for a good cause and essential reading material coming from a female Black writer. Lastly, this weeks haters are the hypocrites in our political system running RAMPANT at the moment. FUCK ALL YALL. 

Adult Orange Julius

• Lots of ice
• 2 Tablespoons French vanilla coffee creamer
• Vanilla Vodka (Whipped Vodka would be good, too)
• 2/3 cup orange juice
• 1/3 cup milk
• sugar and orange zest for rimming glasses
• whipped cream, orange zest and orange slices for serving

Put all this into a blender and whir that bad boy up. Enjoy!

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

The world is divided into two types of people… those who procrastinate and those who do not. If you haven’t guessed yet, Fran and Claire are of the former group, as evidenced by this weeks late episode. HOWEVER, research has also shown that individuals who procrastinate are generally; more creative, have better taste, exhibit greater intelligence, have wlcked senses of humor and are extremely witty, when compared to their timely counterparts. Oh you haven’t read this research? Well, an influencer we follow shared these facts on instagram, so they must be true, right??  JKJKJKJK we get our news strictly from facebook. 

Welcome in to episode 72, where we will not let go of summer and refuse to accept that it is now officially fall.  This week in review brings listeners the Glorious (fun Sundays with both of our kiddos and “normal” summer evenings teaching outside) and the shitty (Claire has a thorn this week, whaaaaaat?!?!)). News of the week is teaching Claire and Fran about parenting triads (its a thing of beauty) and the recently updated Rolling Stone magazines top 500 albums of all time (let the guessing games begin!). A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her friends employment struggle. And let’s be real, bitch just because you have a job, doesn’t make you gods gift. The ladies are spilling their guts and sharing their controversial, against the grain opinions (wait isn’t that this whole show?) in this weeks, ask us anything.  The gals are continuing to share shit they like and this week it is (drumroll please…) alcohol and TV documentaries. Lord, are we predictable.  Lastly, this weeks hater is the whole lot of racist grand jurors Louisville. YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE.  

The RBG (RIP)
Rum (as much as you want, to your taste)
Banana Liqueur (Splash)
Grenadine (Splash) 
Coconut Creme (to your taste)

Blend with ice and enjoy in honor of one bad ass woman

 Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

We all have that friend, you know the one, who likes to tell you what do and when to do it. The one who is always right and likes to tell you about it and weigh in on your wrongs. The one who calls you out for breaking the rules and then breaks them herself! Wait… you don’t have this friend? WTF? Claire has been telling me that there is one of these in every relationship and thats just the way it is. God damn it. 

Welcome in to episode 71, where we get a glimpse into some seriously AWKWARD family dinners and share some random celebrity partying dreams. This week in review brings listeners the Good (ALL THE ROSES FOR CLAIRE)  and the meh (4 month infant regressions are a bitch). News of the week is coming at ya by way of ICE facilities practicing eugenics in this country (what fucking year is it?) and cancelled Halloween festivities (sigh) A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding some family man sharing. Its good, TRUST.  The ladies share their dream celebrity bachelorette party smite list in this weeks, ask us anything.  The gals are continuing to share shit they like and this week it is Lululemon finally creating more inclusive sizing and the new Paris Hilton Documentary..  Lastly, this weeks hater is a local Sacramento business. Don’t worry, the Bee already called them out. 

 Last Bit O Summer Cocktail

Jalapeno Infused Vodka

• 1 cup vodka
• 1 diced jalapeno, seeds removed

Cocktail

• 1 shot jalapeño vodka (1 – 1.5 ounces)
• Lots of Frozen Pineapple
• Handful of Mint
•  lime or pineapple flavored sparkling water

1. Pour the vodka into a glass jar and add the sliced jalapeño. Seal the top with a cover or lid and let sit overnight to infuse
2. When ready to assemble the cocktail, combine the jalapeño infused vodka with the frozen Pineapple and mint, blend it up. After blending add in sparkling water flavor of choice (lime or pineapple works best)

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Tale as old as time… true as it can be… can you finish the lyrics here???? This tale is of a woman. Does she need to sell her soul, compromise her morals and completely change her being in order to GET THAT MONEY????? The answer, dear listeners, is NO. An emphatic NO, she does not. An in our opinion, sister, you don’t need to sell your soul, all that you need to do is sell. that. vagina.  And you can watch those platinum AMEX cards fill up your Chanel bag. YOU GOT THE POWER IN THAT PUSSY. Don’t change for that money hunnnnnay.  

Welcome in to episode 70, where we decide that we are, in fact, all that and a bag diamonds. In case you didn’t know already. This week in review brings listeners the clear skies (Claire got to go RV camping and Fran got to use her pool and watch her adorable kittens) and the smoke (Claire got to RV camping with her kids and it was a lot of work and Fran had her fun themed ride get cancelled due to unhealthy air quality). News of the week is coming at us from racist/prejudiced home appraisers and a biased home lending process and a local “worship concert” permitted by the CHP. A listener is seeking our advice this week asking how to help her friend. Lady, your friend doesn’t need your help, go get yourself a damn designer bag and pipe down. Sadly, we learned this week that, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, is coming to a close. The ladies share their favorite Kardashian and favorite moment from the series, in this weeks “ask us anything”. The gals are continuing to share shit they like and this week it is Netflix shows and weekday farmers markets.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by the police. Are you surprised? No, no you aren’t. 

Pomegranate Margarita
2 cups fresh pomegranate juice
1 cup lime juice
3/4 cup tequila
3/4 Cointreau
Pomegranate seeds for garnish
Pour over ice

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Names, names, what’s in a name???? How important is choosing the name with the “right” fit, feeling and flow? Well, if you are as petty as the B who thinks she knows better than everyone else in this weeks advice, there is a lot to a name. And she is out to take it for her own. 

Welcome in to episode 69, where we tell it like it is... and in this case, it’s cold blooded. This  week in review brings listeners the great (fran had a small group park dinner and claire got to attend a somewhat normal birthday at the zoo during the pandemic) and not so great (fran has her dad on her mind with the passing of another friend).  News of the week comes at you with Claire sharing some news of spice chain CEO, William Penny, “looting” his own Kenosha, WI store in order for him to really “walk the walk” and support protests happening there in present time. Fran follows up that real news with some BS story about celebrity’s being called out online for their shitty behavior. IT’S CALLED BALANCE y’all.  Advice this week comes to us from the pettiest of petty B’s out there. You’ll understand when you hear it. You’ve heard it here many times over the past 69 episodes, the gals are no big fans of the police and this week in AUA they share their worst experiences during their own run ins with the law. ABV, shit we like (trademark pending), runs the gamut from wellness documentaries to amazing reads. Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by the city council members of Grass Valley. You honestly need to be on the right side of history here people.

Watermelon Cooler
Blender full of frozen watermelon
Lots of vodka
Mint 
1/2 cucumber
3-4 limes  juiced
Blend and enjoy

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

How many times have you, dear listeners, blamed your shitty behavior on your upbringing? Drinking too much? For sure my dads fault. Picking assholes in relationships? Again, daddy issues. Critical of my family? All my mom. Can’t commit to a good partner? Look at my parents marriage... we here at ABV are of the mind that blaming your folks for all your life’s problems is a straight cop out. Except, in this case we give you the green light 😝

Welcome in to episode 68, where we hate on your parenting, hate on our own alma maters and hate on old folks (per usual). This  week in review brings listeners the good (fran has them Rona antibodies and Claire is firing on all cylinders with work) and the bad (double mastitis and California is on fire, nuff said).  News of the week comes at you with Fran calling out her own high school in light of recent sexual assault allegations against a former track coach and Claire sounding the alarm on racist pieces of garbage vandalizing and targeting black and LGBTQ owned businesses in Oak Park. Advice this week takes on a parent bend, with a mom asking the ladies what do about her husband who is always yelling at their kid. Survey says: it’s a childhood deep dive.  Have you ever loved a moment of your life you wanted to do it again? Is their any moment so tragic you need a do-over? The ladies share their thoughts in this weeks AUA. ABV, shit we like (trademark pending), covers vegan desserts and online content. Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by old people who make you cry. WTF old people?

Spiked Tea
1 can Trader Joe’s black tea peach bev
2 oz vodka
Mint 
1/2 lemon juiced

Combine with ice and enjoy!

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter

Hello out there! You! Yes, you listening to this podcast! Does the use of the word “daddy” for your significant other make you cringe? Are you dying to have a “Molly” party once this pandemic is over? Are you a mom who is clearly dreaming of days where you could vacation away from your children??? Well then this is the episode you have been waiting for!

Welcome in to episode 67, where someone is just trying to take peyote and not get poo-pooed for their choices. This week in review brings listeners the sunshine (Claire got to have her brother in law over for an extended visit in her house!) and the lows (Fran has a runny nose and can’t go to Claire’s to record). News of the week is coming at us from Kanye (He started Sunday Service in Wyoming) and the housing market here in Nor-Cal (Bay Area buyers are coming for Sac real estate and Fran wants to sell her house). Advice comes to us from a listener who was being jerked around in a relationship and now that she has it locked down, doesn’t really want it anymore. Let the arguments ensue. Have you ever wondered what drugs the ladies of ABV want to do in times of corona? Well, don’t be a judgy ass bitch, this is all for fun. The ladies are continuing to share shit they like, this week its fun Sacramento restaurants and enlightening podcasts.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by those folks who are against the Biden/Harris ticket. ESPECIALLY those hating on Kamala. Take your hate and GTFO.

 Spicy Matodor Cocktail
1/2 cup Dole pineapple juice
1 oz. lime juice
1 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. vodka
1 tsp agave nectar
pinch of chile piquin use cayenne if you can handle the heat
1 tablespoon Tajìn (for the rim)
Splash of lime sparkling water

Pour Over Ice!

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Let us set the scene. The year? 1998. You are on your couch waiting patiently for your favorite TV show to start (Its ’98 so you watch your favorite shows, when cable TV says you watch). Before their was true reality TV, there was the MTV True Life series and this week we are transporting you back to the late 90’s so that you can relieve your days on the couch watching the drama unfold. Don’t thank us, but also, thank us. 

Welcome in to episode 66, where someone is playing at life like they are the focus of MTV True Life, I faked my pregnancy during the pandemic. This week in review brings listeners the highs (Claire was a guest on a podcast and Fran got some bday fun in with her niece) and the lows (Claire’s husband got a severe eye injury and Fran’s neighbors are racist). News of the week is coming at us straight from Sacramento (Hello misappropriation of funds) and Georgia (You are packing your hallways, you know someone is going to call you out). Advice comes to us from a listener who is unsure how to move forward with her girlfriend in law, after she faked a pregnancy. We have some choice thoughts. Have you ever wondered who the ladies of ABV were crushing on during their formative years????? Well hold on to your hats ladies and gents because it isn’t necessarily predictable. The ladies are continuing to share shit they like, this week its fun Sacramento businesses and makeup  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by people who are know it alls during the time of corona and try to tell and/or chastise others for silly things. Let them be known, hence forth, as Coron-it-alls. 

Mason Jar Jam Cocktail
2 Tablespoons Raspberry Jam
2 oz or shots White Rum
Juice of half a lemon

Put all ingredients in a mason jar, shake like hell and put over ice! Garnish with fresh berries if you wish!

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter