Anything But Vanilla Podcast

Why, hello there… don’t you look gorgeous. We haven’t seen you in a while. Did you miss us? You did? Well, we missed your sweet cheeks too! We are back dear listeners of ABV and boyyyyyyy do we have an episode for you. Let’s all gather round the outdoor heaters, six feet apart, drinks in hand and fuck the patriarchy together, shall we?

Welcome in to episode 85, where we are sharing a hot take on some Sacramento related issues and bringing you all the usual ABV antics that you have been missing these past few weeks. Our week in review brings the roses (Claire got to see her twin and her nephew for the first time in many months and Fran has a cute lil' 9 month old running around) and the thorns (Claire has hit a new pandemic emotional low and Fran has a seriously fucked up neck from breast feeding). News of the week continues to be random AF (We have some great news for the Sacramento restaurant scene and some prison cell phone opinion pieces to cover). A friend of Fran’s is seeking our advice this week regrading how to, or if she even should, address a fellow school parent who is killing it on Only Fans.  Let’s just say that we dive deep here, so get ready. Shit the ladies like this week is Sacramento focused, so ion you are looking for some cool shops to support locally here, get our your pen and paper (yes we are grandmas fr that reference).  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by that little misogynist fuck Justin Timberlake. Way to tank women’s careers to propel your own. 

Claire Was Bored Shopping At Home Goods 
Shot of Tequila
Soda Water
Fever Tree Tonic 
Herb and Lou’s Infused Ice Cubes- Meyer Lemon Daquiri

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

You know how we know 2021 is going to be better than the shittiest of years, 2020? For starters, Trump is gone, so there’s that. For seconds, we get to record in person, outside (at least for now, but its something ladies and gents) aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddd our favorite cohost, the hostess with the biggest and best laugh, the woman who knows someone who can getcha what you need, Erica Castillo (!) is back for a an episode to catch up, keep it real and roast the shit out of Claire and Fran. 

Welcome in to episode 84, where we are rocking a space heater, eating tacos and drinking all the tequila with out favorite person on the planet. This week in review brings the roses (TRUMP IS GONE!!! Biden is here!!!!!!) and the thorns (Butchie is crawling, Claire hating social media holiday performances and Erica is disturbed by the military presence downtown for Biden’s inauguration). News of the week continues to be on the lighter side of things (Bachelorette breakups, Uhaul moving data and Bridgerton sex scenes). A listener is seeking our advice this week asking about her fear of her daughter recording her sex life on TikTok. Let’s just say that we all know there is more going on in this question then we are led to believe. The ladies are sharing what state they would be willing to move to, if they had to, on this weeks, “ask us anything”.  Shit the ladies like this week has some good TV recs  and some skincare gold as well.   Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by Erica and she ain’t holding back on you bitches.

I Wish I Was In Paradise
2 oz Tequila
1/3 cup OJ
Maui Brewing POG hard Seltzer Poured over top
Tajin Rim
Mix all ingredients and pour over ice

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

It is kept under lock and key for a reason. You know, all your inner thoughts, secret wishes, deepest desires, protected by two hard covers and a lock and key. And the social contract that binds us all, that males us human- do not read someone else’s diary. Its a part of our social contract, our moral code, our given rights to one another, from childhood throughout adulthood. Then, does it surprise you, dear listeners, to know that these two hosts cannot be trusted to keep that code enforced. Of course it doesn’t, Claire is the nosiest bitch you’ll ever meet. She tells you at the beginning of every episode, duh. 

Welcome in to episode 83, where we admit our bad behavior freely, but what the hell is new in the world of this podcast? We believe it makes you all love us that much more.  This week in review brings the roses (Claire can finally play some real games with her oldest son and is enjoying her uno champion status) and the thorns (Fran is getting old and needs to start taking glucosamine for her bunk ass knee joints).  News of the week is kept on the lighter side, during these dark times (B- celebrity Armie hammer is giving some real wild Dms out to the 20 year olds of the world and the sex and the City reboot is a coming!). A listener is seeking our advice this week asking if it is OK to read her daughter’s diary in order to gain insight into her world. Let’s just say that no good ever comes from reading another persons diary, we should know. The ladies are sharing wether or not they have been guilty of reading someone else’s diary on this weeks, “ask us anything”, and you all already know this answer. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a local woman owned restaurant that just opened in East Sacramento and a weekly meal prep/planning service that is is not using diet culture fads as its foundation. Hallelujah.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by The People Of Sacramento Sams insta page. If you haven’t jumped down that rabbit hole, you really should. 

Cosmopolitan
1 oz Grand Marnier or Cointreau
1 oz Vodka
1.5 oz Cranberry juice
1/2 -1 lime freshly squeezed
Pour all Ingredients Into a cocktail shaker, get them Icy and enjoy!

id you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter

Not much to say, other than that it's a damn birthday miracle that we got this new years episode up for Claire! Happiest of birthdays the most judgey, nosiest, funniest and kindest cohost around, Enjoy this birthday miracle everyone and Happy New Year!

 F**K off 2020, helllllllllo wonderful 2021. 

Classic Hot Buttered Rum
1 stick (4 ounces) unsalted butter
½ cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground allspice
Pinch of salt
2 ounces dark or aged rum
6 ounces hot water
Cinnamon stick, for garnish (optional)

In mixing bowl, combine butter, vanilla extract, sugar, spices and salt. Beat until well combined. In heat-proof glass or mug, combine aged rum with 1 ounce (2 tablespoons) spiced butter mixture. Remaining batter can be stored in airtight container in refrigerator for future use. Top with hot water and stir until ingredients are well incorporated. Garnish with cinnamon stick if preferred.

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Oh shit. You know it’s 2020, plus stay at home orders and back to that bullshit zoom recording when we are almost a week late in posting the podcast. But hey, do you blame us? This messy ass year is coming to a close and we are all sorts of topsy turvy. But never fear... episode 81 is here!

This  week in review brings listeners the great (Fran’s son is old enough to finally get Christmas and is so excited and Claire’s husband got a new job) and not so great (Fran’s baby is on a poop strike and Claire lost her personal/work assistant when Matt got this job and everyone is feeling the transition).  News of the week comes at you with some background on Only Fans and how it’s going mainstream. Claire is dropping the bombshell that the Kardashian Christmas party is cancelled, for the first time in 42 years. Advice this week comes to us from a friend who is having a crisis with a
 fraudulent friend trying to masquerade as a POC for her business. In light of Only Fans going mainstream, the ladies share what their personal Only Fans accounts would host if they had them,  in this weeks AUA.  What do the ladies like this week? Well, Instagram accounts and TV shows naturally. This weeks hater is brought to you by the anti-vaxx community who is opposing the COVID vaccine. Stop spreading misinformation people, keep it to yourself. 

Peppermint Hot Chocolate Stinger
Powdered hot chocolate 
Brewed coffee
1oz creme de cacao 
2oz peppermint vodka
Peppermint candy garnish 

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

I mean, you know us by now, right dear listeners? Pillars of the community? Gentle souls? Most non-judgmental duo on this planet??? Wait, no, that’s not us. Sorry. We got confused for a minute. We are the pair of podcasters who almost always roast the person soliciting our advice and in the case of this episode, it gets a little awkward. We don’t mean to judge too harshly, but this mother is giving us some vibes that are making us uncomfortable. 

Welcome in to episode 80, where once again, a cohost is showing up without a drink ready to go and it continues to be freezing in our outdoor “recording studio”.  This week in review brings the roses (Claire crushed her book reading goal and Fran had a great weekend- which was capped off by Claire’s husbands Spinach balls) and the thorns (Fran did not enjoy the smallness of her covid thanksgiving and Claire was feeling sick and went down a covid spiral).  News of the week is highlighting a 100+ dollar burger that both of these ladies would happily order and Fran thought she was sharing some hot Sacramento gossip (She was in fact, not) A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her daughter potentially losing her virginity. LISTEN and let the creepy vibes ensue. The ladies are sharing their biggest kitchen fails on this weeks, “ask us anything”, and the lesson is: Do Not Make Food While High. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a local home store here in Sac that is oh-so-cute and a new interesting podcast.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by the food, calorie and workout focus around the holidays. It’s tired. Let’s let that shit go. 

 Hot Tea
Choose your favorite Tea
Get some hot water
Steep and enjoy. 

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

You have to appreciate her honesty, really. She truly has no shame, for all of your listening pleasure. Because, who at this point, dear listeners, would freely admit that they might actually buy this thing? The target market for this product is the white, conservative and aged populace of this country... so you must forgive her, really. She had no flipping idea that the douche who owns this company is as disgusting as he is. But, she can't deny that she is a sucker for a targeted ad and anything that potentially will help her get a good nights sleep. 

Welcome In to episode 79, where all Fran wanted was a delicious warm alcoholic beverage and all Claire delivered was a bottle of red wine that said cohost brought over. This week in review brings the warm rays of the sun (Fran’s birthday!) and the cold hard rain (Fran’s sister can’t celebrate thanksgiving, fucking corona exposure and Claire is trying to find balance in her life).  News of the week is showing us that Sacramento can do better ya’ll (amazing, right?) and that this country and its terrible citizens just cannot (Fuck you My Pillow). A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her sons proclivity for peeing outside. Fran can really empathize here. The ladies are sharing what food items they might bring into their bed… and it gets interesting. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a local woman owned small business and some Michelin mentioned dim sum, right here in Sac.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by the artist Sia. WTF???? Claire cannot listen to her favorite Christmas song anymore.  

RED WINE
Open a bottle of your favorite, enjoy!

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter

Do you, dear listeners, love yourself a whipped cream bikini, like producer Brian does? Were your formative sexual experiences define by James Vanderbeek and the cast of varsity blues? Are you also as obsessed with prison culture as Claire is? Do you long for a prison pen pal and suggest that lonely widows out there, go seek and find them someone who is Locke up to converse with? Well then, you pour friends, are in luck! This episode waxes poetic about both of these things- and if you are as random as the ladies of ABV are, well then this episode is for you.

Welcome in to episode 78, where its cold AF and we are having to turn to warm alcoholic beverages and layers of clothing to keep these socially distanced recordings up. This week in review brings the great (new ABV listeners giving Claire compliments- this was Fran’s rose BTW and highlighted hair) and the bad (Poor Claire has cats in heat, nuff said).  News of the week is bringing some hypocrisy (Gavin Newsome , come the fuck on buddy) and all the joyful jams (thank you again, Obama). A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her widowed mother. Lady, lay off your poor mom. The ladies are sharing their favorite parts pf the male and female anatomy and Claire is getting some Jackie Warner vibes from Fran. Shit the ladies like this week highlights another instagram account, this week focusing on parenting and some amazing period underwear that Claire is reviewing!  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by a numbnuts Mississippi GOP rep- gotta love these backwards ass dummies. 

Apple Toddy
For the non-alcohol base:
6 cups Apple Cider
3 dashes Cinnamon
1 Dash Nutmeg
1/2-1 teaspoon orange zest

Bring all ingredients to a boiil, pour over 1-2 shots brandy, whiskey or bourbon. 
Cinnamon sticks, for garnish

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter

A week ago were you feeling like us, dear listeners? Depressed, anxious, frazzled, exhausted, overwhelmed? Scared, paranoid, jittery, with just a touch of 2016 election PTSD? You aren’t alone, and as a result, the ladies of ABV had to take last week off from recording. BUT WE ARE FUCKING BACK BABY! We have a COMPETENT and COMPASSIONATE President and Vice President elect and WE FEEL LIKE NEW HUMAN BEINGS! And for fucks sake, hopefully you have been celebrating these election results like we have!

Welcome in to episode 77, where Claire is slowly becoming more and more Jesus like in her sold out Skims robe, and we don’t see anything wrong with that. This week in review brings the great (Both ladies are riding highborns post election) and the bad (Fran is riding the tantrum waves of her three year old and Claire had been feeling really shitty).  News of the week is shockingly positive from Fran (Corona vaccine here we come! ) and on the flip side, extremely depressing news from Claire (Alex Trebek, RIP). A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her late husband. Buckle up kitty cats, this one is a doozy. The ladies are sharing what they enjoy the most and least about being parents in this weeks, “Ask Us Anything”. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a super cute insta account and another Netflix show.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by the most wet blanket Kardashian/Jenner you can think of… yes it’s Kendall. 

 Fall Marg
4 parts apple cider
1 part silver tequila
1 part freshly squeezed lime juice
1/2 part triple sec
sugar, salt and cinnamon for rim
Apple slices, for garnish
Cinnamon sticks, for garnish

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter 

Are you, dear listener, as hopeful as Claire is about our future, given the shitastic year we are having? Do you, like she does, in fact believe that these children will save us? Do you believe, as much as she does, that these children, are in fact, our future, so much so, that you will fire up that show choir voice and let loose your rendition, of said beliefs song? Well then, you are in the right place- Welcome in to episode 76, where Claire is belting out Whitney’s ‘“Greatest Love Of All” and Fran is here to admire that songbird voice. This week in review brings the great (Both ladies got some much needed family/sister time and they are feeling the feels) and the bad (Fran is muddling through the year anniversary of the loss of her dad and Claire is grieving a thanksgiving without her family members) News of the week shows us the true hypocrisy of the Republican Party (way to ram through and inept, inexperienced supreme court justice congress ) and on the flip side gives us some hope that this world isn’t going to totally be fucked (who run the world? Girls!)  A listener is seeking our advice this week regarding her years long hook-up relationship with her “friend”. This “friend” has had a girlfriend, now, wife, throughout their entire affair. Do we again tear an advice seeker apart? Yes, yes we do. The ladies are sharing their favorite halloween memories in this weeks, “Ask Us Anything”. Shit the ladies like this week highlights a Sacramento, Black owned restaurant and a Kim K Skims robe.  Lastly, this weeks hater is brought to you by Fran’s family member- kids, you better watch your step. 

 Gin Toddy
1 1/2 ounces gin (Tanqueray London Dry Gin)
3/4 ounce lemon juice (fresh)
1 teaspoon sugar
2 ounces hot water
Garnish: cinnamon stick

Treat this like brewing a cup of tea- pour hot water over all ingredients and let steep before drinking. 

Did you enjoy the shows intro song? Thomas Castillo and his band Creamline, created ABV’s spectacular music. If you want to hear more from Creamline, you can find them on instagram @creamline916. In need of some advice? Want to ask us something weird or embarrassing and have us answer it live? Looking to slide into our DM’s?

Find us @abvpodcast on insta and twitter