Most stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids.

So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our stepkids, right? If accused of overstepping, we typically back off just to stay on the safe side, even when all we're doing seems like totally normal stepparenting.

Here’s the thing though. A normal, mature adult whose children have a stepparent wouldn't insist on dictating that relationship in the first place. So if that's what's happening, HELLO RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩 Chances are pretty dang good you're looking at someone who's high conflict.

So today’s pep talk is more of a reminder: just because the ex claims you’re overstepping doesn’t mean you’re actually overstepping.

Many a high-conflict ex will play the overstepping card in an attempt to get you the hell away from their kid. Or control what’s happening at your house. Or stir up drama. Or heck, all of the above!

A lot of stepparents get intimidated by this shit and become paranoid about what the “right” way is to interact with their stepkid. (I know I did!)

So let me be clear: normal, everyday involvement in your stepkid’s life does NOT constitute overstepping.

Packing school lunches, driving your stepkid around, attending their games & recitals, decorating their room at your house, planning family vacations with them, asking them to take their dishes to the sink… none of that is overstepping.

It’s stepparenting.

Anyone who implies otherwise should be soundly ignored.

Like everything else about dealing with a high conflict ex, don’t let their attempted manipulations influence how you and your partner run your household.

This isn’t a job interview. The ex doesn’t get a vote; they don’t have veto power over you. You do not need the ex’s approval to become a stepparent, and they don’t get to dictate the way you’re allowed to stepparent.

If you’re fed up with a nightmare ex, you should definitely come join our support community on Substack. We have a private chatroom where you can safely vent, and you can even use a fake name for extra anonymity if you want. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

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