Psychologist Dr. Gina Di Giulio joins us to discuss Covid anxiety, CBT, and the ways in which attachment styles affect our relationships. She walks us through the three dimensions of attachment theory as well as the four main styles of attachment. Jess and Brandon open up about their own irritability and frustrations and they discuss cognitive strategies to increase feelings of security. And on a totally separate note, Jess also weighs in on a listener question regarding how to ride like a pro!

Check out Dr. Gina's notes below...

Attachment theory: How we attach to other adults strongly corresponds to how we attach to others, especially our primary caregivers, as a child.

Adults with different attachment styles will differ in terms of how they deal with emotional intimacy

How they communicate in relationships, in terms of their needs and wants, how readily they are willing to consider others' as well

How much they trust others, how vulnerable they're willing to be in relationships

How they respond to interpersonal conflict

What they expect from their partner

There are 3 dimensions that underlie attachment styles: 

Closeness - how comfortable someone feels being emotionally close and intimate

Dependency - how comfortable someone feels with needing or having to rely on others

Anxiety - the extent to which someone worries about their partner abandoning or rejecting them

The four attachment styles are: Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant & Disorganized.

Secure Attachment: 

Low on avoidance, low on anxiety

Are comfortable relying on their partner, and their partner relying on them in times of need

Trust that their partner will be around, don’t worry about abandonment

Trusts partner to lead independent life without feeling threatened

Doesn't smother their partner

Healthy self-esteem

Comfortable with closeness

Better in conflict, doesn't avoid it

Forgiving and empathic

Effective communicators

Regulate their emotions well

Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment: 

Low on avoidance, high on anxiety

Insecure in relationships

Fearful of being rejected or abandoned, react by becoming clingy

Worried about being too little or too much for their partner

Sensitive to partner’s moods, take them personally

Clingy, demanding, possessive, “Needy” - can scare partners away

Don’t regulate their emotions well

Moody, argumentative, blame others, poor boundaries

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: 

High on avoidance, low on anxiety

Uncomfortable with closeness

Prefer to be alone

Keep partner’s at arm's length

Values independence and freedom (intimacy = a loss of independence)

Dismissive, fearful

Scared of being hurt

Don't communicate openly and effectively

Fear of being vulnerable or “weak”

“Emotionally unavailable”

Avoid conflict

Good in a crisis, “stoic”, action-oriented

Emotionally distant and rejecting

Disorganized (Unresolved, Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: 

High on avoidance, high on anxiety

Fearful of being rejected or abandoned, react by distancing themselves from others

Uncomfortable with intimacy

Uncomfortable with closeness, difficulty trusting others, can’t depend on others

Unresolved emotions, mindset from past traumas

Often abusive and dysfunctional in relationships

Lack of empathy, punishing, narcissistic, disregard for rules

Often a traumatic past, PTSD, intrusive triggers, anger, dissociation to avoid pain

Attachment Styles and Infidelity

There are many reasons why people cheat, complex and varied - attachment styles is one of them and the dynamic between partners is one of the strongest predictors of cheating. The Ambivalent (Anxious) is most likely to cheat.

Anxious Attachment: Running toward closeness.

Might cheat as a means of feeling closeness and feeling an emotional connection and affection from someone else (esp. if their partner is dismissive)