If you're a stepparent feeling frustrated, stuck, or unhappy, change for the better is absolutely possible. But it's probably not gonna come from the direction you think it is.

We keep waiting for our stepkids or partners or the ex to change so our lives become easier. We get increasingly frustrated when no one seems interested in changing. And the whole time, we forget that WE can change; that's the one thing we have 100% control over in our blended families.

In order to blend, everyone in your family will need to adapt and compromise. Including you. You can’t accelerate this process for your other family members, but you can start with yourself. As the saying goes, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Or in this case, be the change you wish to see in your stepfamily.

The first thing we typically need to change? Our own preconceptions: about how our stepkids should act, or how our partners should parent them. We could also stand to change all the wasted time and energy we spend wishing the ex were less intrusive or less crazy or just plain didn’t exist.

It can't be said often enough: blending a family, on average, takes 5 to 7 years (or more). You're in this for the long haul. The sooner you start letting go of your own preconceptions, the sooner you’ll start feeling more comfortable in the stepparenting role. To help, try one of these:

The 7 stages of becoming a stepparent

Stepparenting survival guide

Why everyone in a blended family needs to let go of “should”

17 coping tips for managing overwhelming stepparenting emotions

And of course, you can always find more support in our private Substack community. We’d love to have you! xo

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