No matter how much of a canker blossom your husband is, you can be at peace in your heart, and find sweet hope for your future. You can even learn to love him, and find all kinds of creative and liberating ways to inspire him to be far less of a canker blossom. This is what I love to jam with you on. Let’s brainstorm! (Complimentary Session)

What do you need more of in your life? More laughter, more silence, more fun, more poetry, more inspiration, more help? Let’s find a way to get them. If you know in your heart of hearts it’s a good thing, and reasonable, don’t let his disagreement or disapproval stop you. 

Move forward. However gradually. What is the worst thing that can happen? Yelling and door slamming? The silent treatment? You come from strong stock, you can weather that storm. If it’s just unthinkable, let’s talk about why. What are you making it mean about you? What is the secret horror that’s being activated? How can you nurture and heal yourself through it? 

Remind yourself that you are of infinite worth and loved beyond measure, that you are a work in progress, and any regrets you have are a reason to celebrate your growth, NOT devalue yourself. If you look back and feel bad about something you did or said, that just means you’re learning, discovering and growing, which is exactly what you were put on this earth to do. Also, there is no shame in being afraid. That’s just your brain trying to keep you safe. But you are a rebel, and a queen, and you don’t have to do everything your brain says. Let’s say, you’re afraid of confrontation, but you feel the fear, encourage yourself through it and speak up anyway. You say…

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I just saw an inspiring reel on Instagram by @peacefulmindpeacefullife, an account I would highly recommend following- fabulous messages.  The reel spoke of the Top Five Regrets of the Dying.  It was based on a book I now want to read, by the same title, by a veteran palliative nurse named Bronnie Ware, (My sincere apologies for calling her "Bonnie" through the entire episode 😳) who spoke to and held the hands of the dying.  This is sobering stuff, but so beautifully instructive to the rest of us.  

Memento Mori-  Remember you will die.  While you’re looking for the best deal on winter boots at Kohl’s, you’re also rolling swiftly down the hill of your lifespan, gathering laugh lines, gray hairs and self-reproach, on an inevitable trajectory toward the great Air B&B of eternity.

When you reach that hallowed doorway, wouldn’t you prefer to feel serenity and peace, rather than a lingering pang for what might have been, if you’d only had greater courage, if you’d only had the presence of mind to know what really matters?  If you’d only had a greater appreciation for the artistic vision of the legendary Nickelback?  LOL.

But seriously, do you want to know what people regretted the most? (Many thanks to journalist Susie Steiner of The Guardian who condensed the book conveniently into an article.)

The fifth most common regret was...

Are you aching for your husband to just acknowledge you?   Wishing for some clue that you matter to him?  That he thinks you get some things right once in a while?  That he feels that he’s in the right place and not sitting around daydreaming of being with someone else?

Have you been trying to get him to realize this, but you just can’t seem to make any headway?  If you try to kindly explain your position he always manages to find a way to make it your fault! He keeps telling you you’re overreacting, and you just can’t accept that, so you point out that he’s obviously doing the same thing, and won’t admit he’s wrong.

You just can’t win no matter which way you try, and every cry for help turns into another item on the list of what’s wrong with you.

And it hurts!

My journal entry from 2008 reads, “I lost it.  I felt so defeated- like I couldn’t do anything right.”  And then “It escalated really fast.” “I didn’t want to take it, and I kept repeating, “Likewise, likewise, likewise.” “I couldn’t get rid of my angry feelings.”

So how do you get the validation you need from him?

Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com           Message me on Instagram.

My clients are absolutely extraordinary women.  Not because they are beautiful, intelligent and talented (though incidentally they are all that as well), but for one very simple reason:

They have the humility to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?”

Why the word choice of “wrong”?  Kind of a problematic word.  I choose it to highlight the way we often oversimplify conflict in our relationships: “I’m right.  He’s wrong,” when there’s always so much more behind it.  When seen in these dualistic terms, even to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?” takes on even more courage, vulnerability, meaning and relevance.  (It’s the question posed in the wonderful books of The Arbinger Institute, an organization dedicated to resolving conflict.)

Being able to ask the question “Might I be in the wrong?” doesn’t mean that he isn’t also wrong, and in the stinkiest way- nobody’s saying that.  It simply means that we want to be on the lookout for anything that’s within our power- my own power- to improve.

And my clients understand this beautifully- or they wouldn’t make the investment.

So when you notice that you could have phrased something better, there is nothing weak about saying, “I’m sorry- I need to say that in a different way.”  You can apologize for whatever small discord you’ve added, even if his blatant mess is befouling the whole room.  It’s what a powerful, radically responsible, unstoppable woman does.  And then your sincere and respectful request that he choose more civil words in the future, takes on much greater credibility, and is much more likely to be received and acted on.

Does apologizing when he’s a butthead mean you’re being taken advantage of?  No.  Radical responsibility means you’re also in full charge of your well-being, and you are filling your bucket.  You’re taking a pottery class. The hiking trip you’ve planned with your girlfriends tomorrow is non-negotiable, and your evening out for sushi is happening whether it’s a “me party” or a table for two.

The only weighing and balancing you’re doing is between loving and recharging yourself and giving to others.  Not between what you’re doing and what he’s doing, because even though he sleeps in your bed, I hope, that’s out of your lane.  Don’t hold back on your limitless potential because he’s cooped up in his man comfort zone.

Remembering this allows you to stop resenting, snapping, sulking, fighting, simmering, raging, scorekeeping, and dreaming of cutting him loose once you finally get through Christmas.

So instead of measuring his efforts against yours and holding back, get busy crafting the premium version of YOU.

And speaking of Christmas, or Chanukah, or whatever your traditional winter family celebration might be, the timing is just right for you to begin working with me and completely transform the feeling in your home during these winter holidays.  Please consider carefully whether you want to prioritize the “stuff” in the room or the feelings there.

I trust that if you’re feeling that inner call to meet with me, you will message me “IT’S TIME” on Instagram.  As one of my incredible clients recently told me, “You were my strength.”  I would be most honored to help you find your strength.

I believe in you.  I’m rooting for you.  You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.

bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Now what do you do when your husband acts like a categorical snotlord?  When he talks like a complete jerk, or as Shakespeare would say, a droning, dog-hearted death-token?

Let’s say you tell him you’re too tired for sex, and he calls you a “frigid beach… towel”.  It’s so easy, when the man says something so inexcusably rude, to react with shock and outrage, call him your own choice names, to shun him, to add it to the long list of reasons you plan to leave the marriage, to hold on to the hurt, say, “I don’t have to take this,” and stonewall him for the rest of the night.

It’s also so very natural to say, “Why should he get a pass?”  “Why does he get to say whatever he wants and I’m just expected to take it?”  “Why am I the one who has to make the effort here?

Let’s be clear.  You don’t have to.  You don’t have to treat him any better than he deserves.  You have the right to be offended and punish him and shut him out and let both of you pass the night in alienated, disconnected misery. All of these courses of action are available and understandable.

It would be weird if you didn’t feel and behave in one or more of those ways at such a time.

But is that how you want things to go?

What if you could find a weird way to make it turn out differently?  What if you could be the weird change that makes married life better and more enjoyable, and the world a better place?  Would it be worth the effort?  Would it be worth things being unfair if you could love each other and feel cozy again?

But I don’t want to love a man who calls me names like that.

I get it.  But he’s there.  You’re married to him (unfortunately, it feels like, right?) And you have a situation inviting you to respond to it.  What do you do?

Our fight or flight brains like to tell us there are only two alternatives, fight back and punish him, or cave and get taken advantage of.

But there is always a miraculous third and better alternative.  It is stronger than any of those reactive punishments, and at the same time, kinder than caving and acting the victim.

Listen to this episode to get a step-by-step breakdown.

It can be lonely work and dadgum hard to push forward with on your own steam.

My clients get daily personalized support through the strenuous work of healing their marriages and it’s hard to think of an investment that pays richer dividends than delicious love at home.  If you’re ready to talk about making that commitment, and moving forward with a proven plan for a happier love life, message me the words, “Love at Home” on Instagram.

If you only knew how much I believe in you.

You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.

bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Sources: 

Shakespearean Insult Generator

James "Fish" Gill on Instagram

peacefulmindpeacefullife on Instagram

Are you surrendering or settling?

Are you saying, “Ok I can work with this?” or “Wake me up in ten years?”

Are you seeing the distinction?  You could be in a true place of surrender and still work your love handles off to make things better.  It just means you’re not going to bang your head against any walls that might crop up along the way.  You are laboring toward outcomes without being attached to them. The concept is simple, but also terribly complex.

Oliver Wendell Holmes once wrote, “I don’t give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity, but I would die for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.”  I love that so much.

Okay Summer, now you’ve really hopped on the obtuse bus .  I thought you were going to say something useful about marriage- like maybe how I can get my husband to stop barking at my teenagers.

Just hear me out.  We'll get there.

Message Summer Cox, Wife Coach, here.

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Summer, no one appreciates what I do.  I could wake up at 3:00 am and bust my fanny til midnight and no one will care, and they sure as heckwads won’t say thank you. That sounds spectacularly painful, and as the mom of many, I understand where you’re coming from. Let’s get something straight right now.  They are never going to give you the appreciation you deserve. Never. No one can ever appreciate you properly, because they are not having your experience, and they can’t possibly comprehend the internal effort you’re making on their behalf. But you can.  And the fact that you’re doing it without the appreciation you deserve makes it all the more praiseworthy. Let the gift of your service be a gift to yourself as well by viewing it as a privilege. 

"Heart Coach" James “Fish” Gill once said “I have ritual times with myself where I actually acknowledge to myself what I’m experiencing.  I’ve discovered that acknowledging myself for what I’m going through is really the only acknowledgment that I can be sure that I can ever get.  And validation. And forgiveness actually... ...No human being can ever really bring us the depth of acknowledgment that we know they deserve.  They can’t.  Because they don’t know the depth to which we know we deserve it.” This man actually holds his own hand and talks to himself, offering appreciation and encouragement.  

He acknowledged on the excellent Human Cogs Podcast, that it may sound weird, but he doesn’t care, because it has made all the difference in his emotional health.  

I encourage you to try it.  It really does feel good.  Squeeze your hands together and say “Linda, I love you.  You are working harder than anyone knows. And you exercised great courage in reaching out to Jim today and listening.  I send you all the love.” 

You can coach your family to say “thank you”, and I encourage you to do that, but it will never be more than a feeble token of what you truly deserve. What if you decided right now to make peace with that? 

What is this episode bringing up for you? Let's talk about it on Instagram. 

bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com