Bible Stories for Atheists

Welcome to the season finale! Creation is over and it's all down hill from here. We find out that Abraham wasn't the best dad. At least until he gets his son laid! That's the best way to make up for the whole sacrifice thing.

Thank you for listening! Hopefully you learned something, even if it was how much of dumbasses we are. We'll be back soon, eventually, sometime.

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You think you have it hard? You think you have bad neighbors? You think you have family problems? 

Well, I'm Lot. A mild mannered sodomite that never bothered anyone. And I was a proud sodomite. I sought to unite sodomites in love and acceptance! To reject all the awful crap God told us to do to people. That's what us sodomites are known for. Radical love and acceptance of all. Until a couple angels from the Lord show up and everything went to hell.

First my town suddenly developed a sex fueled rage aimed directly at my house, then my wife ghosted me! Next thing you know I'm kicked out with my two daughters. It's not easy being a single father of two. So sure, I drink some times. But I drink to cope. 

And, yes, I black out on occasion but I never let it get out of hand. And thankfully my daughters are old enough to take care of themselves and don't need me to always be the sober strong one. They're good girls after all. Maybe a little weird since their mom left and God killed everyone they knew including their boyfriends. But who wouldn't be messed up from that? 

I can't wait to one day read the scriptures myself and see my daughters memorialized as the pure angels they are. And hopefully they never take revenge on me for offering to throw them to a mob of rapists.

As for me, I want this simple adage written on my tombstone to help others with their own grief: "Lot's had lots of loss in his life but learned leaning on laughter leads to loving living." 

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Sorry, in a rush this week. You'll have to make up your own funny quips and pretend they're in this description. 

On this week's episode:
- Tower of Babel
- We meet Abram/Abraham
- A big piece of evidence that Moses didn't write Genesis.
- The War of the Nine Kings
- And we read an email from friend of the show, Dwight

For the flood story with the sources highlighted, check out this page: https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com/resources/bible-history

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Have you given YOUR firstlings to the Lord? If you don't, your brother might and then where will you be? No regard from the Lord. How are you going to make it in this world without the Lord's regard? You'll end up stripping at Jezaballs for Chucky Cheese tokens!

And we let the flood pour over us. Turns out there are two completely different flood stories in the bible and most people don't realize it. Speaking of which, you should check out this video for more Flood Facts (trademark).

"The Pre-Biblical Origins of Noah's Flood" by ReligionForBreakfast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw13SadIPOs

For the flood story with the sources highlighted, check out this page: https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com/resources/bible-history

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In the beginning, we'll lay out the building blocks of our 6000 year old universe. And explain that hard, blue shell up there that gets dark at night when you can see the holes in it, or what "NASA" calls "stars".

And we talk about the first people. The lab rats in this odd experiment gone horribly infallible. Turns out not knowing right and wrong leads to sinning. Now that we know that, we must permanently punish the lab rats and their descendants forever. That's science.

Eve made his pull out game weak and here we are. And Linz just texted me that food is done so this description is too. 

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New 5 episode series coming every Sunday starting August 4th. We'll be covering the first half of Genesis. Insert witty jokes here. Too much crap to do today to do it myself. 

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Hey folks! For our episode today we're changing things up. We're going to be switching to a more "seasonal" model. The plan is we'll get a few episodes lined up around a theme and put them out weekly. So that's the plan, but you should still listen to the episode because we're really funny when we explain it. Like funnier than I was when I just explained it, which wasn't really funny at all.

Also, we got a great message from a listener named Patience!

"You're beautiful." - James Blunt

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This is a special episode with two special guests. Ministers Bendr Bones and Luis Cypher, co-heads of the Satanic Temple - West Michigan.

Recently, they made news by having the AUDACITY to deliver the opening invocation at an Ottawa County board meeting. And when the Ottawa County board were forced to allow the invocation local Christians lost their damn minds.

Invocation Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7kkBj0mnVM

Overflow Room Video:
https://twitter.com/leftofcentermi/status/1782911971936870781

https://thesatanictemple.com/
https://www.facebook.com/WestMichiganTST/
https://twitter.com/SatanicMichigan

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We read a selection of Psalms suggested by AI to figure out if this ancient book of songs holds up to the hype.

It doesn't.

Despite Josh's warnings that we might find the material repetitive and dull, we plunge ahead with open minds, only to discover that the Psalms are boring as Pshit. 

I don't have anything more to say about it. Why don't YOU have something to say about it?! Huh!?

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The kingdom of Israel splits into two separate nations after the death of King Solomon. His son Rehoboam ascends to the throne and when the people ask him to not be a dick like his dad. But his friends goad him into doubling down on his dickishness. He should have listened to Nancy Reagan and just said no to peer pressure!

So Jeroboam comes back from Egypt to take control of the northern kingdom of Israel while Rehoboam maintains control of the southern kingdom of Judah (oh yeah, and Benjamin).

And Jeroboam decides to make some golden calves. Why would he do that? Didn't he know golden calves are bad? Does he not read his scriptures? Or is there something else going on here? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Is that like a medical condition? Are you giving off avian pheromones or something? You should get that checked out.

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