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Over on Instagram, I used to host Tiny Victory Tuesdays in my stories. New followers initially felt discouraged by this — they'd DM me saying they didn't have any wins to share. I'd remind them that all we're looking for is tiny victories and no win was too small to celebrate.

Gradually, even the most stressed-out stepparents started sharing hesitant wins like... "Well I guess I cried less this week" or "My stepkid didn't completely ignore me."

Tiny victories that couldn't possibly be considered wins by anyone other than stepparents who are deeply committed to finding that light at the other end of the tunnel. Tiny victories that absolutely, totally, 100% count as wins.

I remember wishing for huge, unmistakable wins myself — dramatic court victories and firm boundary-setting and admissions of wrong-doing by certain high-conflict exes. The sexy wins, you know?

Looking back, though, I find it's the tiny victories I treasure the most. That time my stepkid spontaneously hugged me when I surprised her by painting a fairy mural on her wall. That time she could've picked anywhere to go for her birthday brunch and she requested I make her favorite pancakes at home instead. That time the kids watched some show that made them laugh so hard they came staggering into our room trying to tell us what was so funny, but then they couldn’t even talk.

Those are the moments I hold closest in my heart: the tiniest of tiny victories. And I am so thankful that I didn't overlook them just because they weren't loud, massive wins all lit up in neon lights.

We all carry an image in our heads of what it means to be successfully blended. What our stepfamily will look like or act like once we’ve worked everything out and we finally feel like a “real” family.

The good news is, you’re already a real family. Blending is a process, not a destination.

What makes a blended family work isn’t the big stuff. We become blended through hundreds of small successes and shared memories along the way. The mumbled good morning from the stepkid who ignored you yesterday. The lack of an angry email from the ex last week — or maybe only one email instead of many.

Look for those bright moments, those teeny tiny victories, and celebrate them for the wins they are. Those are the bread crumbs that will lead you to blended. xo

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