I started listening to your circles material after being introduced to it by my friend Ines. I have the membership so now slowly exploring the other content as well. Ive done years (decades) of meditation and non duality work and been in therapy my whole adult life, yet I feel like I always come back to this reality of my life right here and now. I haven’t been able to figure out exactly the circle I am in - I find myself in a repeating pattern of retraumatisation through work. Every job I take I end up being bullied, undermined and not paid  for fairly for my work as promised. It feels like betrayal, I am very good at my job but there is no recognition or reward. I feel my very survival is threatened because I grew up poor and earning money is my route to safety, self esteem and being able to take care of myself without being dependent on anyone else. I just left an abusive job in New York (was there over 5 years) and moved to London and ended up in an even more dysfunctional and abusive situation than before. Its nuts. Meanwhile I am terrified of looking for another job and I am equally DESPERATE to get out of this place I find myself in. I also find my inner creativity is dried up - for example I used to want to start a business or help the homeless but I can’t act and I feel totally stuck. I have never grown or thrived at work - I have never been successful. 

When the last cycle of trauma and abuse happened at work it was only 4 months after joining the company from Aug-Dec. I had high hopes for this job - searching for a feeling of engagement and enjoyment at work. It was such a shock to my system to go through the same abuse again that I felt like giving up on life. I have since regained my perspective and been able to detach but something still feels raw inside. I have spent years doing inner child work, feeling feelings facing trauma etc. yet I feel none of it helped otherwise I would not have found myself in this same job / worse abusive situation than before. I am 46 and have been working since I was 22 years old. 

In addition, I am recognizing from your talk that I have limited my life for safety - I don have a partner nor many friends nor a social life - I work and then scuttle home to be with my dog with whom I feel safe. I think safety is a huge theme but not sure how to deal with it. I am currently working with a counsellor with whom I feel my inner child feelings and face them every two weeks or so. The rest of the time I am trying to be more conscious of triggers but instead find myself doing things like drinking half a bottle of wine or watching mindless telly but not sure what I am escaping from. 

I am not sure how to identify the circle I am in nor the nub of the issue. And I certainly dont know how to let go of the doer. Despite years of zen meditation and seeing and near finding the self I feel it is very much in charge.