But For Real

Val and Em are flying solo (duo?) this week — no guest, just the two of them getting into one of their favorite obsessions: community. Why is it so hard to find your people as an adult? Why do we feel lonely even when our calendars are full? And what does the actual research say about what makes community work?

They get into the loneliness epidemic (yes, it's as bad as you've heard), the concept of third spaces and why we're losing them, the underrated power of weak ties (heeey Diane from Pilates), and what Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering taught them about the difference between filling a room and actually hosting people.

Plus—Val shares about resurrecting her guitar, her Buffy rewatch, and her tarot practice all at the same time, Em reflects on a trip back to the UK after 16 years and what it stirred up about cultural identity and belonging, and they answer a listener question from someone who keeps showing up and trying — but can't seem to break in anywhere.

Stuff we mentioned:

• The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
• Priya Parker on We Can Do Hard Things podcast
• US Surgeon General's 2023 Advisory on Loneliness and Isolation
• Hackney Mosaic Project (East London)
• Community micro-hydro power in the Northern Philippines
• Camp Gaia (our online membership!)

Chapters:

• 00:00 - Introduction to But For Real Podcast
• 05:12 - Exploring Community and Connection
• 09:52 - The Importance of Community and Connection
• 27:23 - The Importance of Structure in Community Building
• 30:13 - The Birth of Camp Gaia: Building Community Online

Connect with Us:

• More about the pod / past episodes
• Watch us on YouTube
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• Send us a story for The Lore segment
• Send in a request for advice for our Step Into My Office segment
• Connect with us on IG: @butforrealpod
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @existentiallyval
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

In this episode of But For Real, we delve into the transformative realm of expressive arts therapy with our distinguished guest, Wednesdae Reim Ifrach. Their expertise lies at the confluence of queer embodiment, complex trauma, and creative healing, offering a profound perspective on how art can serve as a conduit for emotional expression and personal growth.

We explore the misconception that art therapy is merely "arts and crafts for sad people," illuminating its true potential to facilitate deep, somatic healing beyond verbal communication. The conversation traverses the intersections of identity, creativity, and resistance, emphasizing the vital role of authenticity in both personal and professional spheres. Join us as we unpack these intricate themes, and discover how embracing one's multifaceted identity can foster resilience and empowerment in the face of societal challenges.

Takeaways:

• This episode explores the intersection of expressive arts therapy, trauma, and queer identity, highlighting their profound connections.
• We discuss how art therapy transcends mere creative expression, serving as a legitimate therapeutic modality for adults.
• The conversation emphasizes the importance of authenticity and personal expression in combating systemic oppression and fostering resilience.
• Listeners are encouraged to pursue their own creative endeavors as acts of resistance against societal norms and expectations.
• Wednesday's experiences illustrate the transformative power of art in healing trauma and affirming one's identity in a complex world.
• The episode concludes with a call to action for increased accessibility and understanding of mental health resources and creative therapies.

LINKS + Referenced in the Episode:

• Wednesdae's website
• Follow Wednesdae @queer.art_therapist on IG
• The Gaia Center: Therapy in Nashville + coaching worldwide
• Follow us @butforealpod and @thegaiacenter on IG
• MOMA
• Fire Road Foods

What if the version of you most of the world knows… isn’t actually *you*?

In this episode of But For Real, we’re sitting down with Devon Price, PhD—social psychologist, author of Unmasking Autism (+ several other books!), and badass autistic human—to get really REAL about something that is kinda the opposite of that:

Masking.

That pattern of adaptation that’s helped you survive… but can slowly erode at your sense of self. 🫠

In this conversation, we get into what it actually means to “mask” as an autistic or otherwise neurodivergent person (hell, even just as a people-pleaser living in a capitalist society): how it shows up, why so many of us do it without even realizing, and what happens when you finally start to take that mask off.

If you’re one of MANY people who was diagnosed with autism later in life, you know it can feel like a huge relief… but it can *also* feel like grief, anger, and even a full-on “who TF am I actually?” era.

We’re talking about what it’s like to spend decades performing “normal,” only to realize you’ve been white-knuckling your way through life—and what it takes to rebuild something that actually fits.

And we keep coming back to this:

You don’t just “stop masking.”

You slowly, painfully, honestly… learn how to exist as yourself.

So if you’ve ever thought…

“Why am I so exhausted ALL THE TIME?”

“Why do I feel like I’m performing in every interaction?”

“Who am I without all of this?”

…this one’s for you. 🫂

In this episode of But For Real, we unpack…

• What “masking” actually is—and why it’s so common in autistic adults
• Why late autism diagnoses often bring both relief AND grief
• The hidden cost of people-pleasing and social “autopilot”
• Why you can’t just flip a switch and stop masking overnight
• How identity confusion shows up after unmasking begins
• The role of burnout, exhaustion, and chronic overwhelm
• Why safe relationships are essential for unmasking
• The emotional phases: relief → grief → anger → rebuilding
• How to reconnect with your authentic self (without blowing up your whole life)

And here’s the timestamps—

• 00:00 – Welcome back to But For Real
• 01:00 – Meet Devon Price, PhD (and why this convo matters)
• 03:30 – The “hive mind” metaphor + masking as social survival
• 05:30 – Listener question: late autism diagnosis in adulthood
• 07:00 – Relief vs grief after diagnosis
• 08:30 – “I’ve been performing my whole life…”
• 10:30 – Why masking isn’t something you can just turn off
• 13:00 – Identity confusion: who am I without the mask?
• 16:00 – The emotional aftermath: anger, grief, and loss
• 19:00 – Autistic burnout + chronic exhaustion
• 22:00 – Safe people, safe spaces, and practicing authenticity
• 26:00 – Reconnecting with your younger self
• 30:00 – What unmasking actually looks like in real life
• 35:00 – Why this process takes YEARS (not weeks)
• 40:00 – Final thoughts: you’re not behind—you’re becoming

Connect with Dr. Devon

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drdevonprice/
• Substack: https://drdevonprice.substack.com/
• Books: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/2294535/devon-price-phd/

Connect with Us:

• Submit a story for The Lore segment
• Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
• Reach out: [email protected]
• But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @valkaymartin
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

So… your partner brings up opening the relationship. 👀

And you’re trying to be thoughtful, open-minded, maybe even a little curious…

but there’s also this voice in the background like:

“Wait… do I actually want this?” 🫠

In this episode of But For Real, we’re sitting down with therapist Em Mortenson to get into the real conversation around polyamory and ethical non-monogamy—beyond the labels, beyond the hot takes, and into what this actually looks and feels like in real life.

Because yeah, on paper?

It can sound freeing. Honest. Even aligned. ✨

But in practice?

It can bring up jealousy, fear, uncertainty—and a whole lot of questions about where your “yes” is actually coming from.

We’re talking about what happens when a partner introduces this idea, how to navigate the in-between space of not knowing yet, and why this isn’t something you have to rush to figure out overnight.

And we keep coming back to this:

It’s one thing to understand something intellectually…

and another to feel ready for it in your body.

So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering:

“Am I actually into this… or am I trying to be okay with it?”

“Is jealousy a red flag—or just part of the process?”

“How do I explore this without losing myself?”

…yeah. This one’s for you. 💬

From there, we unpack:

• How to tell if you’re genuinely interested in polyamory—or just trying to be “chill”
• Why jealousy is a normal part of ethical non-monogamy (and what to do with it)
• The difference between curiosity, pressure, and people-pleasing in relationships
• What polyamory and open relationships actually look like in real life
• Why boundaries are essential—and constantly evolving—in non-monogamy
• Common mistakes couples make when opening a relationship
• How fear of losing your partner can shape your decisions
• Why this isn’t a one-time “yes or no” decision—but an ongoing conversation

We talk about:

• 00:00 – Welcome back to But For Real
• 00:50 – Meet Em Mortenson (and the chaotic cat story 🐱)
• 03:20 – Tiny pockets of joy when everything feels heavy
• 05:50 – “My partner wants to open our relationship…” 👀
• 07:10 – Am I open-minded… or just scared to lose them?
• 09:00 – Polyamory vs monogamy: what are we actually talking about?
• 12:30 – Why people jump into this too fast ⚠️
• 15:30 – The biggest misconception about polyamory
• 19:00 – Let’s talk about jealousy (because yeah… it’s coming)
• 22:30 – Is jealousy a dealbreaker—or part of it?
• 26:00 – What healthy polyamory can actually look like
• 30:30 – Boundaries, communication, and real-life dynamics
• 35:30 – When this goes wrong (and why it does)
• 41:30 – Polyamory discourse, TikTok, and moral superiority 🙃
• 47:30 – So… how do you know if this is right for you?

Connect with Us:

• Submit a story for The Lore segment
• Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
• Reach out: [email protected]
• But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @valkaymartin
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

What if the thing you’ve been calling “being rude”… is actually just having a boundary?

Yeah. Let’s talk about it.

Because somewhere along the way—especially for women, people-pleasers, and anyone raised to prioritize politeness over honesty—boundaries got branded as selfish, cold, or straight-up b*tchy.

And honestly? That narrative is doing damage.

In this episode of But For Real, we’re doing a full, unfiltered deep dive into boundaries—what they actually are, why they feel so uncomfortable, and how your relationship with them changes as you grow up (or burn out).

We’re talking about the subtle ways we’ve been conditioned to shrink, overextend, and contort ourselves to keep the peace… and the moment you realize: “Wait… I actually can’t keep living like this.”

We get into the real-life evolution of boundaries—from being overly accommodating and “nice” to realizing that clarity is not cruelty.

And yes, we’re saying the quiet part out loud:

Not everyone who sets a boundary is a b*tch…

…but also? You might have to tolerate being perceived that way anyway.

Cool cool cool. 🫠

Because boundaries aren’t just personal.

They’re relational. Cultural. Political. Survival.

So if you’ve ever wondered:

• “Am I being too much?”
• “Why does setting boundaries make me feel like I’m doing something wrong?”
• “How do I stop people-pleasing without becoming an asshole?”

…yeah. This one’s for you.

Let’s roll the tape.

From there, we unpack:

• Why boundaries are often mistaken for being rude or “difficult”
• How people-pleasing and politeness culture shape your ability to set limits
• The difference between being a b*tch vs. having a boundary
• Why your relationship with boundaries changes over time
• How burnout and survival instincts force boundary growth
• The hidden cost of over-accommodating yourself in relationships
• Why clarity is actually kinder than silent resentment
• How cultural expectations (especially for women) distort boundary-setting
• What healthy boundaries actually sound like in real life
• Why being misunderstood is sometimes part of doing it right

We talk about:

• 00:00 – Welcome to But For Real
• 01:00 – Why we needed a boundaries deep dive
• 02:00 – People-pleasing, politeness & cultural conditioning
• 03:00 – “Am I rude… or do I just have boundaries?”
• 04:00 – Why boundaries feel uncomfortable (especially for women)
• 05:00 – Boundaries as survival, not just self-growth
• 06:00 – Tea & Crumpets: Olympics, joy, and elite performance
• 08:30 – What high performers teach us about boundaries
• 10:00+ – The real conversation begins: boundaries, identity & growth

Resources Mentioned:

• Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988
• Find international support: https://www.findahelpline.com
• reasonstostay.co

Connect with Us:

• Submit a story for The Lore segment
• Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
• Reach out: [email protected]
• But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @valkaymartin
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

We need to talk about suicide… like actually talk about it.

Not in the polished, clinical, tip-list way. Not in the fear-based, “don’t say the wrong thing” way. But in the real, messy, human way that most of us have experienced—whether personally or through someone we love.

Because here’s the truth: suicide is way more common, complex, and misunderstood than we’re comfortable admitting. And the way we talk about it? Often makes it harder—not easier—for people to feel seen, supported, or safe enough to open up.

In this episode of But For Real, we’re going there.

We’re talking about suicidal ideation (including the kind that doesn’t mean you actually want to die), the difference between passive and active thoughts, and why so many people feel ashamed of experiences that are actually more common than we think.

We’re also unpacking the tension between holding the weight of this topic and still making space for humanity, humor, and connection—because healing doesn’t only happen in sterile silence.

And yes… we’re bringing both the heavy and the real.

We’re asking:

• Why is suicide still so stigmatized—even in mental health spaces?
• What actually counts as suicidal ideation?
• Is it “normal” to have passive thoughts about not wanting to exist?
• Why does shame keep people stuck in silence?
• And how do we talk about this in a way that actually helps?

Because here’s the thing:

Not every suicidal thought means someone wants to die.

But every experience of suffering deserves to be taken seriously.

So whether this topic touches your life directly or indirectly… we’re really glad you’re here.

From there, we unpack:

• What suicidal ideation actually is (and what it’s not)
• The difference between passive vs. active suicidal thoughts
• Why passive SI can be more common—and human—than you think
• How shame and stigma keep people from talking about their experience
• Why humor can be a legitimate coping skill, not avoidance
• How therapists actually think about and approach suicide
• Why overly clinical conversations can feel disconnected—and what works better
• How to support yourself or someone else without defaulting to panic or silence
• The role of lived experience in shaping mental health work

We talk about:

• 00:00 – Why this topic matters
• 01:00 – Can we talk about suicide and still be human?
• 02:30 – Humor as a coping skill (yes, really)
• 03:00 – Content warning + how to take care of yourself while listening
• 04:00 – Personal connections to suicide and why this work matters
• 05:30 – Passive suicidal ideation: what it actually means
• 06:00 – Tea & Crumpets: existential YouTube rabbit holes
• 08:30 – The psychology of death, meaning, and “last meal” thinking
• 09:00 – A movie that explores the afterlife—and what happens next
• 10:00+ – The deeper conversation begins (suicide, stigma, and nuance)

Resources Mentioned:

• Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988
• Find international support: https://www.findahelpline.com
• reasonstostay.co

Connect with Us:

• Submit a story for The Lore segment
• Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
• Reach out: [email protected]
• But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @valkaymartin
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

We need to talk about sex addiction — because culturally, this phrase gets thrown around a lot. And depending on who you ask, it’s either a legitimate disorder… or a moral panic wrapped in clinical language.

Either way, it is certainly true that some people need expert support to realign their sexual behavior with their values and intentions, and heal any wounds that may underlie sexual acting out. But is addiction the one best model for doing this work?

In this episode of But For Real, we’re diving into the messy, controversial world of sex addiction, porn use, and what clinicians actually mean when they talk about “out of control sexual behavior.”

Because here’s the truth: the phrase sex addict gets used everywhere — in couples fights, celebrity scandals, religious communities, and treatment centers. But clinically, the picture is way more nuanced.

We’re asking:

1. Is sex addiction actually recognized as a mental health disorder?
2. Why does the DSM not include it?
3. What’s the difference between a high libido, a porn habit, and something that’s truly out of control?
4. And how much of this conversation is shaped by moral judgment, religion, and cultural discomfort around sex?

Because here’s the thing:

Not every high libido is pathology. Not every porn habit is addiction. And not every relationship betrayal means someone has a disease.

But if your sexual behavior feels compulsive, secretive, or deeply distressing, that matters — and it deserves real support, not internet armchair diagnoses.

In this episode, we break down the history of the sex addiction model, why many sex therapists challenge it, and what a more nuanced understanding of sexual behavior actually looks like.

Plus, we explore the role of shame, porn culture, religion, attachment, and emotion regulation — because sometimes behavior isn’t the real issue. It’s the coping strategy underneath it.

From there, we unpack:

1. The origin of the sex addiction model and its roots in the 12-step world
2. Why “sex addiction” has never been officially recognized in the DSM
3. The difference between sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, and out-of-control sexual behavior
4. Why labeling someone a “sex addict” can sometimes pathologize normal sexuality
5. The cultural factors (religion, gender norms, and shame) shaping the conversation
6. How porn use actually fits into this discussion
7. The difference between sexual acting out vs. sexual offending
8. Signs sexual behavior might truly be compulsive or distressing
9. Why shame and secrecy often keep people stuck in the cycle
10. How sex therapy approaches this topic differently than addiction treatment

We talk about:

1. 00:00 – Life hacks: hiccup cures & anxiety nausea tricks
2. 05:30 – Tea & Crumpets: internet rabbit holes and cultural commentary
3. 09:30 – Step Into My Office: porn, shame, and being labeled a “sex addict”
4. 14:00 – The DSM: is sex addiction a real diagnosis?
5. 17:00 – Val’s experience training as a sex addiction therapist
6. 20:00 – Why the DSM rejected hypersexual disorder
7. 22:00 – The shift toward out-of-control sexual behavior frameworks
8. 24:00 – Moral shame vs clinically significant distress
9. 30:00 – Porn, masculinity, and cultural narratives about sex
10. 36:00 – A healthier way to understand sexual behavior

Resources Mentioned:

1. The Myth of Sex Addiction by David Ley
2. Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior by Doug Braun-Harvey & Michael Vigorito

Connect with Us:

1. Submit a story for The Lore segment
2. Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
3. Reach out: [email protected]
4. But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
5. Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
6. The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
7. Val on IG: @valkaymartin
8. The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

We need to talk about child stars, y’all. 🎬 Not just in a nostalgic “remember when?” way. And not just in a “look at their meltdown” way. In a developmental, nervous-system, attachment theory-informed way.

Because culturally, we’ve been sold a shiny story about fame, money, and success. But from a developmental perspective, achieving fame early in life can leave lasting scars, which are too often exploited as memes and clickbait headlines.

In this episode of But For Real, we unpack the psychological underbelly of child stardom — from Britney in that revealing schoolgirl uniform at 16 to Bieber stripped down at this year’s Grammys— and from the Disney/Nickelodeon machine to TikTok kids with brand deals before puberty.

We’re asking:

1. What happens when identity formation gets too blended with performance?
2. What does it do to a child’s attachment system when they’re the breadwinner?
3. How does a nervous system develop under constant visibility and evaluation?

Because here’s the truth:

Money does not regulate a nervous system.

Fame does not replace attunement.

And followers do not equal safety.

From there, we unpack:

1. How identity formation gets disrupted when a kid becomes a brand 🎭
2. Why being rewarded for compliance and performance warps self-concept
3. What happens developmentally when you can’t have your “weird phase” in private
4. How attachment dynamics shift when the child becomes the breadwinner 💸
5. The psychological pressure baked into parentification
6. Why money and fame don’t regulate a nervous system
7. The mental health risks tied to chronic evaluation, overstimulation, and performance conditioning
8. How substance use becomes an understandable (but costly) regulation strategy
9. What parasocial relationships and hyper-visibility do to individuation 📱
10. Why the lack of federal protections for child influencers should concern all of us

Plus— rabbit holes (well, of course) exploring Jeanette McCurdy, Val’s QVC host childhood dreams, paparazzi and algorithm culture, the Coogan Law, Ruby Franke’s family vlog fallout, and why “but they had everything” completely misses the point.

We talk about:

1. 00:00 – Intro
2. 03:00 – Jeanette McCurdy and the child star reckoning
3. 06:00 – A 10-year-old who wants to be famous (Step Into My Office)
4. 11:00 – Erikson, identity formation & losing your “weird phase”
5. 15:00 – Attachment theory & the child-as-breadwinner dynamic
6. 20:00 – Substance use, performance pressure & shame
7. 23:00 – Paparazzi culture vs. algorithm culture
8. 27:00 – Parasocial relationships & hyper-visibility
9. 30:00 – “They had everything” — and why that argument fails

Connect with Us:

1. Submit a story for The Lore segment
2. Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
3. Reach out: [email protected]
4. But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
5. Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
6. The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
7. Val on IG: @valkaymartin
8. The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

Let’s be honest. We all love a little drama… as long as it’s not happening to us. 😜

From celebrity family feuds to wedding-day chaos to messy public statements, we can’t look away. But the second that kind of public-facing conflict hits our own nervous system? We’re either shutting down, spiraling, or plotting our escape into permanent invisibility.

In this episode of But For Real, therapists Val and Emerson unpack the psychology of why we love drama and gossip— at least, of course, until it’s about us. We’re talking attachment wounds, tribalism, and the very human tendency to consume chaos as entertainment while avoiding it in our own lives.

As always, we’re kicking things off with some pop culture tea (the Beckhams are fighting, y’all), but quickly zoom out to explore the deeper question: why does other people’s relational conflict feel juicy, but our own feels threatening?

If you grew up in a family where repair wasn’t modeled…

If conflict makes your chest tighten and your brain short-circuit…

If you find yourself glued to reality TV but allergic to confrontation…

This one’s for you, babe.

Because of course drama hits different when your attachment system is involved.

From there, we unpack:

1. Why other people’s drama feels safe to consume
2. What happens in your nervous system when conflict becomes personal
3. How attachment wounds shape your reaction to relational tension
4. The difference between curiosity and rumination
5. Why public family conflict hits so hard culturally
6. When drama becomes avoidance
7. How to stop intellectualizing and start embodying repair
8. Why healing relational trauma requires tolerating discomfort

Plus: Snowmageddon survival stories, exploding trees and frost cracking, unexpected love for a Super 8 motel, Spice Girls loyalty debates, and the trainwreck-you-can’t-look-away-from of the Beckhams fighting in public.

This episode is for anyone who:

1. Loves a little pop culture tea but gets dysregulated the second conflict hits close to home
2. Grew up around tension, enmeshment, or emotional landmines and now feels hyper-aware of drama everywhere
3. Finds themselves glued to other people’s relational mess while avoiding their own
4. Is realizing their nervous system reacts to conflict like it’s a five-alarm fire

Because sometimes we’re not obsessed with drama. We’re just trying to understand something our body never got to feel safe inside of.

We talk about:

1. 00:00 – Snowmageddon 2026 & survival mode
2. 03:30 – Pop culture tea: The Beckhams are fighting
3. 07:00 – Why we love drama when it’s not ours
4. 11:00 – Nervous system activation & conflict
5. 15:00 – Attachment wounds and emotional reactivity
6. 20:00 – Enmeshment, boy moms, and wedding-day chaos
7. 25:00 – When curiosity turns into rumination
8. 30:00 – Conflict avoidance vs. relational repair
9. 35:00 – Why drama can be a form of avoidance
10. 40:00 – Doing hard relational things anyway

Connect with Us:

1. Submit a story for The Lore segment
2. Submit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segment
3. Reach out: [email protected]
4. But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
5. Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
6. The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
7. Val on IG: @valkaymartin
8. The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

If conflict makes your chest tighten, your brain freeze, or your instinct scream “AVOID AT ALL COSTS, ABORT, ABORT!,” this episode is for YOU, honey.

In Episode 37 of But For Real, therapists Val and Em talk honestly about repair—not the Instagram version, but the real-life, messy, emotionally vulnerable process of repairing relationships after conflict. We recorded this episode fresh off a hard week, which means we’re not speaking theoretically. We’re speaking from inside it.

We unpack what repair actually looks like when it wasn’t modeled, when uncertainty feels unbearable, and when your nervous system is convinced that conflict equals danger. This isn’t about fixing everything perfectly or tying things up with a bow. It’s about starting, staying present, and choosing connection even when you’re scared.

From there, we unpack:

1. Why repair doesn’t mean “everything is fixed now”
2. Why starting matters more than finishing
3. How uncertainty is anxiety’s worst nightmare (and still unavoidable)
4. What it looks like to live your values instead of just talking about them
5. Why doing the messy, uncomfortable thing is often the most ethical choice

Plus: fragrances, phone maximalism, dairy-free Boursin supremacy, Hobby Lobby slander, and letting your inner toddler run the show occasionally.

This episode is for anyone who:

1. Never saw repair modeled growing up
2. Feels terrified of conflict but longs for deeper connection
3. Thinks they’re “bad at relationships” when really they were just never taught
4. Is learning how to do hard things scared, tender, and imperfect

Repair isn’t clean. It isn’t linear. And it isn’t always possible. But when it IS possible? Even if it’s messy, it can be powerful as hell.

We talk about:

1. 00:00 – Welcome back, sleep deprivation, and why we sound unhinged
2. 01:30 – Why we chose repair as today’s topic (and why it’s personal)
3. 03:00 – Emerson on conflict avoidance, repair not being modeled, and inner-child witnessing
4. 05:00 – Anxiety, uncertainty, and why “not knowing how this ends” is brutal
5. 07:30 – Living your values vs. performing them
6. 10:00 – Tea & Crumpets: fragrance recs, phone maximalism, and inner toddler joy
7. 15:00 – Food opinions we feel unreasonably strong about
8. 18:00 – Why repair isn’t about blame, villains, or being “right”
9. 22:00 – Val’s tower moment: things falling apart to rebuild stronger
10. 26:00 – Starting repair without knowing the outcome
11. 30:00 – Why doing the messy thing is the work
12. 34:00 – Repair when it’s possible—and when it’s not
13. 38:00 – Final reflections: doing hard things scared, together

Connect with Us:

1. Send a story or ask for advice: [email protected]
2. But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
3. Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
4. The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
5. Val on IG: @valkaymartin
6. The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.