Call Your Girlfriend

Difficult patches, communication breakdowns, and periods of estrangement are part of a LOT of important relationships, and friendships are no exception. We discuss our breakdown and why we had to go to therapy to start fixing it. And therapist Miriam Kirmayer shares tips for navigating conflict in friendship.

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This week we’re taking a break from our Summer of Friendship to bring you a very special guest: Zadie Smith!! Zadie Smith is the author of the novels White Teeth, The Autograph Man, On Beauty, NW, and Swing Time, as well as two collections of essays, Changing My Mind and Feel Free. Her latest is Intimations.

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Race plays out differently in every friendship. And not all interracial relationships involve a Black person and a white person, but ours does. 

As Wesley Morris wrote in his memorable review of the forgettable movie Ted 2:

"For people of color, some aspect of friendship with white people involves an awareness that you could be dropped through a trapdoor of racism at any moment, by a slip of the tongue, or at a campus party, or in a legislative campaign. But it’s not always anticipated. You don’t expect the young white man who’s been seated alongside you in a house of worship to take your life because you’re black. Nor do you expect that a movie about an obscene teddy bear would invoke a sexual stereotype forced upon you the way Kunta Kinte was forced to become “Toby.” "

Wesley talked with Aminatou about the trapdoors of interracial friendship, Joe Biden, friend breakups, and yes, Ted 2, in an interview we recorded while writing Big Friendship in 2019.

Links:

• Wesley Morris is a critic-at-large for The New York Times and the co-host of one of our favorite podcasts, Still Processing.

• Wesley Morris on Ted 2

• Pat Parker: For the white person who wants to know how to be my friend

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We stretch when we grow with, and in response to, a friend. But it can be hard to figure out: How do you know how much to give to a friendship—and take from it? We talk to therapist Jordan Pickell about interdependence and the blurry line between leaning on friends and asking too much of them.

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We did not write a “female friendship” book, but we are indeed two women. And our friendship has been both strengthened and threatened by the ways we communicate. We interview linguist Deborah Tannen, whose book You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships was a touchstone for us—explaining concepts like "story of sameness," one way that some friends bond by finding similarities in each other's lives. Catch the virtual book tour and get a copy of Big Friendship at bigfriendship.com

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Days away from the release of Big Friendship, Aminatou and Ann share key definitions from the book and read a passage about a very challenging time in their friendship, early in the life of this podcast. Catch the virtual book tour and get a copy at bigfriendship.com

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We learn about young Aminatou and Ann from Faith and Bridget, our high-school besties—who both remain close friends today.

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We kick off a summer dedicated to friendship—its joys and its difficulties—as we get ready for the release of Big Friendship. On this episode, we talk about our friendship origin story, and interview our mutual friend Dayo Olopade about how she knew we'd hit it off. Also, we're looking for your voicemails about long-term friendship—stories about difficult patches you've survived, and also your questions for us about keeping friendships strong in the long term. Leave us a message at (714) 681-2943.

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On the conflict between outward facing antiracist messaging (ads, content, “solidarity” statements) and internal office behavior: who’s hired, who’s promoted, who’s given a raise, how Black people feel at your place of work, whose ideas are supported and welcomed—in media, and beyond.

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We talk with queen of gossip and media literacy Lainey Gossip about the meaning of gossip, the royals, how covering celebrity has changed, knowing your worth in your work, and the empire she's launched her site LaineyGossip.com.

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