I have seen a lot about my weight issues in the last few weeks and days. I saw the war going on inside between wanting to be thin and not being thin and also about wanting to be thin and not being able to make myself thin. Two wars going on, so much effort and exhaustion.

In looking deeper, I saw that what I want from being thin is life to be easy, because life is so hard for me. I don’t really have a hard life, the opposite is true, but life appears just so hard, except for eating, sleeping, reading and watching TV. 

When I realized this, it struck me that this is exactly how my parents were living their life, or how it appeared to me. Thinking everything is hard and/or dangerous and the only allowed ease and joy was eating and watching TV, well and reading and sleeping. I had to sleep a lot as a child and I didn’t want to. Same with food, I had to eat a lot and I didn’t want to. 

It was such a shock to see that after all the therapies and stuff I’ve done, I still function with this old pattern. I also understand that all the life I lived before which was completely different to my parents’, like a ballet career and decades of partying and doing lots of adventures, even having lots of children and pets, was always done with a sort of fight spirit, fighting against this old pattern but the older I get the more the fighting ability vanishes and only exhaustion is left. 

The true program is revealed, eating, sleeping, reading and watching TV. No other thing is classified as easy or worthwhile, all other activity need more or less amounts of effort to push through. Even my handstand training this is true, which I love on the one side but I have to overcome resistance to do it every single day. 

It’s a relief to see the deep programming I didn’t know it existed but on the other hand I just don’t know what to do with that. It’s like realizing I am in a trap but not being able to leave the trap.